What Makes a Good Counselor?

This work will explore the many skills and abilities that combine to make a good counsellor but it will help to start by understanding what counselling itself is. This in itself could form an essay but as Michael Jacobs succinctly writes:

"It is a way of helping others that stresses the gentle stillness of the helper in listening, absorbing, containing, understanding and reflecting back."¹

(Jacobs, M. 1982 Pg 7)

People come to a counsellor as they need help at a certain stage in their life's journey and a good counsellor needs to be aware of the responsibility that rests on his/her shoulders. The relationship can be intense and the possibility of causing more problems, albeit unintentionally, can be great. Perhaps it is easier to start with a picture of "good counselling". The client and councillor sit at a slight angle to each other, not so close as to be intrusive but near enough to engender a feeling of togetherness. The room and atmosphere are calming, secure and there is an un-stated but real feeling of trust within the room. It is an environment where deep and sometimes disturbing thoughts, memories and feelings may perhaps be brought into the open - to be worked through and hopefully resolved - safely held in a framework that exists in several dimensions. Physically in the shape of the room, emotionally in trust and confidentially, ethically by a code of conduct and bounded by time in the length of the session. Without a framework counselling can soon lose focus, meandering complicity and/or collusion can set in and the session (s) prove at best fruitless and at worst damaging.

Perhaps it is not by chance that Jacobs put listening first so let us start by developing this aspect first. Fundamental to good counselling is the ability to listen to a client with total and undivided attention, in a non-judgemental way and absorb and understand what is being said. Clients might have been rarely listened to before, as often in the pressures of life and work listening is an undervalued skill. Often perceived as lack of action it is in fact a skill that is basic to communication. One cannot comment or engage in a real two-way dialogue without really understanding what is being said. A good counsellor needs to listen, not just to the actual words that are being said, but also to the subtext, often unspoken but so important. Clients may find it difficult to open up and state some of their inmost fears and worries - a good counsellor must really listen to and acknowledge the inner "base line" the still small voice that is begging to be heard. My direct experiences both with clients and in experiential groups confirm this. It can often be difficult, even in a supportive atmosphere to open up fully. It can take time for a client to really say what they think and feel and even long for the unconscious to emerge. Silence can be of great importance in listening. It is often so tempting to complete someone else's sentence - a good counsellor needs to carefully gauge when it is time to intervene - perhaps only when a silence becomes persecutory.

As well as listening a good counsellor needs to be able to observe and reflect back. Body language can indicate many inner thoughts and feelings that a client might feel uncomfortable in expressing. The crossed arms the avoidance of eye contact can often indicate what is really being thought as apposed to what the client is actually saying. Equally the counsellor must be aware that his/her body language will send out signals to the client. These physical gestures are not just negative - leaning forward can indicate interest and will help in reflecting back to the client. Reflection by the use of both physical gestures and paraphrasing is an important element in effective communication. To reflect back at appropriate moments what the client is saying can facilitate momentum in a session and provide acknowledgement that the counsellor is effectively listening and understanding what is being said.

Councillors need to understand themselves as individuals. Why does he/she want to help? What are his/her issues and prejudices? Without this basic self-knowledge it can be difficult to show real empathy with a client and there may be incorrect interpretation of events, as the counsellor does not have the necessary understanding of his/her self. False conclusions may be drawn about events due to the counsellor misinterpreting the client and a balance between genuine compassion and a rational understanding of issues could become difficult. We all sometimes wear masks, the images of ourselves that we want others to see rather than showing ourselves as we really are.

The relationship is likely not to be easy and both parties might at some stages try to sabotage, undermine or collude in a way that ultimately stops the healing process. There is always a danger that without self-knowledge the counsellor will reveal too much of his/her own problems and shift the emphasis from client to themselves. Self-knowledge will also enable a good counsellor to know his or her own limitations. Clients and counsellors can meet at deep and painful levels and it could be a temptation to carry on with the counselling process, albeit with the best of intentions, when a counsellor is getting out of his/her depth. A knowledge and acknowledgement of limitations will enable a counsellor to refer on where necessary for the benefit of both client and counsellor. Brendan McLoughlin devotes a whole section to competence but it is worth considering his key point:

"The counsellor owes it to her client and herself not to pursue a counselling relationship where she recognizes that she is out of her depth. It is healthy to recognize your limits and refer on."²The counsellor is in a special position in relation to the client, a position of power that can be misused, often un-intentionally. Clients may be in considerable distress or vulnerability and have a right to respect - behaving in an ethical way is key in building up trust between client and practitioner. The BACP Ethics for counselling and psychotherapy runs to 11 sides of A4 but the section entitled "Values of Counselling and Psychotherapy" encapsulates concepts that a good counsellor should acknowledge and strive to uphold. Whilst not wishing to denigrate any of these by omission I would like to highlight the following:

(McLoughlin, B.1995 Pg 40)

Alleviating personal distress and suffering

Respecting human rights and dignity

Ensuring the integrity of practitioner-client relationships³

(BACP Ethics for Counselling and Psychotherapy 2003 Pg 1)

To summarise - a good counsellor will have a blend of the above skills and abilities. By listing I have not sought to give weight or importance to any particular one - they all have a part to play and gain value and importance by their synergy. Even the fundamental skill of listening will not be of much use in isolation. A good counsellor also needs to observe, understand and interpret what is being, or not being said, needs not to judge, needs to trust and be trusted and needs to empathise whilst still maintaining rationality and reason. These skills and abilities, set within the bounds but not limited by the framework mentioned in the first paragraph, will equip a good councillor to help facilitate a resolution of what can often be long term deep routed and painful issues.

References Used

1. Jacobs, M. 1982 (New Edition) Still Small Voice, Great Britain, SPCK.

2. McLoughlin, B. 1995 Developing Psychodynamic Counselling London, SAGE

3. BACP Ethics for Counselling and Psychotherapy 2003