What Makes a Good Foster Parent?

Valencia Higuera had some good ideas earlier this year in her article "Foster Parents: How to Qualify?" but I've decided to expand on them. I've seen foster parenting and good and bad foster parents for almost a decade.

Her ideas are a great start...and I'd like to expand on two of them in particular:

The money - facts are facts, and one fact is that children cost money. Yes, you do get paid to foster children, but it isn't enough to cover the cost of the children. You aren't just opening your home and heart to a child who may need your care, but you have to crack the pocketbook as well, and this is just a fact of life. If you intend to take proper care of a child, it's going to cost more money than you get to care for them. You can make money if you intend to take on a lot of children, but like Ms. Higuera outlined in her article, that takes a heck of a lot of time, and you have to be sure that you can handle the type of demands that would be made on you if you try to parent children. Don't expect foster parenting to be a liveable income. You barely get enough to take care of the child, much less anything else.

The emotional aspect - a lot of people are getting into foster parenting now to adopt a child. I consider this to be a bad reason for getting into foster parenting, because your expectations can be highly unrealistic. This can cause serious adjustment problems for the child, who (no matter how badly they may have been neglected or abused) really just wants to go home again...whether they can or not. They aren't fresh out of the package...they have parents, and trying to take the place of those parents by referring to yourselves as mom and dad, and thinking of yourselves as mom and dad, can cause rejection or worse, rebellion.

Particularly when children are small, it's cruel to try to convince a child in temporary care that you are their parent. They start feeling a tug of war between their birth parents and the people caring for them, and your goal as a foster parent is to help a child, not harm them. Though you may, someday, get to adopt that child or another child, that should never be a reason to get into fostering (as I said) and you shouldn't be pulling a child's heartstrings and hoping they fulfill your need for family. Remember, one of the signs of a good parent (of any kind) is putting your child's needs ahead of your own. It is irresponsible to have a child so that they love you, and it is more irresponsible to open your home so that children can fulfill your needs.

Other aspects that I consider important:

Working with the parents - if the child in your home is in temporary foster care, most likely that child still has visitation with their parents. This can be a very emotional time for a child. As much as visits with their family are very important, even if everything goes smoothly it is a huge emotional upheaval and the child may act out before or after the visitation because they are upset. They can be upset for many reasons. They may want to go home with their family instead of their foster parents. They may not understand what's really going on. They may be scared or angry over the emotions that they experience during or after a visitation, and this can cause issues before. If the parents don't regularly show up they may be angry and hurt at the let-down because they do want to see their parents.

This is a very difficult time for foster parents as well, who have to somehow help a child who, at least in part, wants someone else. It is best if you don't try to view the parents as adversaries, but if the parents are often late or don't show up to visitation, this can be quite difficult.

It is important to understand that if you try to pit yourself against the parents or replace the parents, neither of these will help the child, and the child is the linchpin of the entire equation.

A good foster parent can be a friend and compassionate person that the child can come to with their feelings without feeling like they're choosing the foster parent over the natural one. If you can learn to view it like this, any child that you take into your home will be grateful to you, even if they don't show it.

No expectations - One of my favorite quotes is 'Expect nothing, then you won't be disappointed.' and I don't mean that in the negative sense...that you should expect little to nothing of these humans that you're opening your door to, rather it's the buddhist notion of non-attachment. Children have their own path, even if they don't know it, and you're responsible for helping them on their journey. If you have expectations of the child that they can't fulfill, it will only lead to aggravation and resentment on both sides. Please know that children are more than just kids, they're little people...and people have their own set of desires, expectations, and goals. It is important to understand that their path may be drastically different than yours or the one that you want from them. While we can try to steer children in the right direction in all things, sometimes it's better to quietly guide them and assist them when they're fumbling, as opposed to pushing them into a rigid role. This doesn't mean not setting clear boundaries in the least. Rather it is in understanding that they too are human beings and not just people-in-the-making.

Above all, love. It can hurt to watch them go to another house or back to their parents. It can hurt when we want the suffering for children to end but we watch it happen, but love is free yet priceless. If you can love a child without clinging to them, putting expectations on them that they can not fulfill, you are giving them the best gift of all in two ways...one, you're giving them what they so desperately need, and two, you're modeling behavior that will only make their relationships with others better.

I hope that this article helps you to understand some of the things you can expect if you intend to become a foster parent. Any feedback would be appreciated.