What Makes a "Perfect" Parent?

Its amazing how another life entering the world can alter everything, especially for the unexpected, expecting parent. For years I went along thinking I could never bear children, as I had been diagnosed with endometriosis, and time passed so much so that I figured it was not in my destiny. Then it all changed. The questions, am I ready??? Financially, no, and I'm still not. Emotionally, the most wonderful news beyond anything ever. Then more questions to myself, will I be a good mother? A bit eccentric, sometimes outlandish, an artist, a romantic writer, so use to living the single lifestyle, so use to going anywhere at any given time. A divorced woman, but stable with the father of the beautiful life created. Living in sin??? There's no sin in not having documented "paperwork" to profess a good and loving relationship.

The time came for her birth, my little Sara Catherine. So adorable, tiny fingers, and tiny toes, and daddy was there through it all, supportive, perhaps in a bit of shock. For him, well lets just say, young at heart and rediscovering responsibility.

I swear my hearing got better. In the night every coo kept me on my toes, for changing, and feeding, and comforting. I became accustomed to it. It all came so natural, just like my mother said it would. I was a mommy, just like my gandmother said I someday would be.

Three years have passed, and I believe I could be doing pretty good so far. Am I perfect? No way, no one is, and everyone is, its all trial and error. I spend a lot of time with her, teaching her things. Three years old, potty trained, knows her alphabet, colors, shapes, numbers. I'm not a teacher. Most was hands on. An old cardboard box painted with the ABC's, wordplay, numbers, repeating them to her, singing songs, being silly, and its paying off. This 3 year old girl can say, "caterpillars change into butterflies and its called metamorphosis!" Then she is stubborn and demanding like any other 3 year old girl, and I do my best to discipline in the right way for her age group. She'll learn, and so will I.

Every step taken is a new discovery and experience for both the child and the parent. Love it, nurture it, and do the best you can. It all comes together somehow.

A small town, raised by my mother. Four children. I was the third. My mom had health concerns, and a dad who left when I was only 3. Broken home? Not in my eyes. My mother was to me both aspects of mommy and daddy.
We had struggles of course. Typical of most. My story isn't a unique one. My grandparents were always there for all of us. They were also like a second set of parents. My grandma - Catherine Sara, to which I used to name my daughter after, she was my heart and soul and I babied her. She said she was five feet two inches but more like four foot something. My mother, myself, and family took care of her until she passed in 2004 at the age of 92. I sure miss her. Same as my grandpa who loved harmonica and candy, and was like a big kid. They were a lot of fun growing up. So how does this relate to parenting? It connects a lot in my life. If I hadn't ever heard of things like the great depression or rationing food, or no child labor laws, or another person's struggles, well I guess when it came to parenting I would know nothing. Everything in this life is consumed by so much work. The tough thing is, we can't hide it from our children. From hand-me-downs to an old used toy that some kid doesn't want anymore, sometimes it can be important, that though it is what it is, it still comes from the heart. Its much bigger than material. As a kid I remember my own mother's worries, maybe at the time didn't quite understand it, and now as a parent, there's such a strong respect in the knowledge of it.

My want to give so much to my little girl, offer her a great life is always going to be strong, but if I can take something as simple as a cardboard box and turn it into something she can have so much fun with, a painted playhouse, her little castle, and that makes her happy, lets go for it, sit down with some old used book that has been read a million times and its new to her, its a wonderful feeling. Who cares, so its not some personal DVD player, or the most expensive toy on the market, but its wonderful anyway, even to me to share it with her.

I sit here writing and say to myself, well who really cares to hear this story, its just so common of most people, but then I figure maybe a little bit of something could somehow effect another, help another in the same situation.

It was not very long after my grandmother's passing in 2004 that I decided to make a big change and leave the area I was born and raised, and followed the man I fell in love with. Nearly one thousand miles. 2005 marked the biggest decision and hardest decision to make. Leaving my family's side. Then nine months after her death, I discover a new life is forming inside me. Now being far away from all of my family, the emotions that ran through me were frustrating and confused. Happy and sad. I was an emotional pregnant woman who felt a bit lost and alone. I was agitated that now I finally after so many years became pregnant, and my own mother couldn't be with me when I delivered my child. So much went through my mind. Is he going to support me? I wasn't suppose to be able to have kids. Is he going to be responsible? His other two children from a previous marriage are already grown. I don't want my child growing up without a father, but he better be a good one! Needless to say he's been right by me and her through everything. Ups and downs we've pulled together, and he's been trying. He's young at heart, despite it, he's been doing the best he can, even in the economic struggles. He loves her very much, and spends time with her, showing her things I know nothing about, and she adores him. We still have our moments. He's fearless, and well me, I analyze every situation. We work together on it.

I guess I obtained my protective qualities from my mom, who was pretty strict in a lot of ways. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and if I was still home even as an adult, there were curfews and rules that I needed to abide by. Sure I was no angel. Sometimes rebellious as most teens can be. It was a much different era than it is even today. I didn't understand it then, but after having my own child, I tend to look up to her even more, and wonder:
how did she do it all with 4 kids!!!??? And wow, how did my grandmother do it with ELEVEN????? Through the generations and time eras and all the everyday changes throughout life, I'm sure it wasn't easy. Sometimes it is tough with even one. I worry all the time!

I call my family nearly every day. Drive them crazy. Get my girl on the telephone to stay connected, hear voices of relatives I want so much for her to KNOW. My sweetheart bought me this computer for Valentine's Day this year, and since, I've used it for contacting other members of my family, staying in touch, getting back in touch sending pictures. Not just relatives but friends I haven't talked to or seen in quite a while. Its amazing, technology at its best. Being able to take a photo today, load it onto the computer and have my family see it TODAY. My older brother bought me a webcam, which I'm still trying to figure out, but have used it maybe twice to talk to him. It was the most fascinating piece of equipment to be able to see him sitting and talking, and him able to see his little niece.

Somehow no matter how many miles, it still comes together, the bonds of family, and love.

The day came for my daughter to be born in April of 2006. It wasn't a clutter of rushing to get everything ready for such a big day. An appointment had been made actually on my due date, and in turn it was discovered that my blood pressure was at such an increased level that I needed to be induced into labor. As any man is with his new child being born, (if so allowed), my love was beside me. WITH A TELEPHONE!!! It was funny, my family and his listening, to the events because they couldn't be there, but me of course, aggravated at the phone, and concentrating on the breathing and pushing! Then this wonderful new life, and she had an amazingly ROUND head. (many born with cone-shaped heads, I thought it was funny in retrospect to what I expected)
I never produced milk, so her feeding was tiny little jars of formula. So swollen, sore, and physically exhausted, but I couldn't sleep. Such incredible unconditional love connecting so quickly.
Bringing her home was wonderful, because we had set up everything in her room, and combined efforts of friends and family made it all happen. Daddy put in his all because I had to be medicated for awhile after with the blood pressure being so high, but even with all his help, tired or not, it was a ritual, every few hours of changing and feeding. She wasn't big on crying much. She hated poop. She was so healthy, and loved to eat. She got so pudgy that doctors looked at me and asked if I had obesity in my family. Now here I am a petite and tall woman and they're asking me this. Needless to say, they said to keep doing what I was doing, she was fine.

So many things crossed my mind in many aspects of life. Admittedly I'm not involved in church functions, I graduated high school but never really knew much about what I could teach her in the future and how. I'm not the type of mother to force my child into certain programs. I do however have my own cultural beliefs in a high creator, and also believe in others' connections to their own religions. I'm definitely not perfect and wouldn't profess to be an angel. I have attempted to enter upon churches and the makeup of what they are with my daughter, but she's still too young even now to understand what is written and read in text, by a man standing in a building. If she wants to embark upon religion I'd prefer her to consider it for herself as she gets older. For now I want her to believe in what any child does when it comes to life and death. Just about a week ago she told me that angels come from the sun's light, and who knows, maybe this 3 year old could be right.

Lately I've been questioning how to further her education. Should I home school, for more direct attention, so I can better understand what she is good at, and the things that are harder for her, I can concentrate more on with her, or should I send her to school, and let those influences guide her. With so many concerns based upon the accreditations of teachers, and situations with other children has me wondering what to do. She knows and understands a lot for a child of only 3. She is stubborn and demanding, as well as intelligent. She can sit at the computer and browse all of her kid sites without a hitch, and answer questions some kids in public schools in the 2nd grade have a tough time with. Sometimes public schools can tend to be tough. Trying to fit in and connect. Teachers do their best, but it isn't a one to one situation to help a child who needs a bit more. I was an outcast and a loner, and nervous, and outrageous. I was gothic when gothic wasn't in!! If she is sent to a public school, I'll do my best to assist in guiding her. Parents really need to understand that they need to involve themselves in continuing the education at home as well. It shouldn't be ALL on a teacher who has a classroom full of students. It is so important, to give your children a direct personal approach from a caring parent a bit more in what they know and don't know, ask questions, review the school work, homework, and stay involved. It doesn't just stop upon entering school. How do I know? My kid is only 3? Because I see it. I see potential, I see room for growth, and it goes the same for me as a parent of even one child. It really all will be worth it, presently, and rewarding for their future, and YOURS.

Okay so here it is in a nutshell: I'm a writer and an artist, quirky, and sometimes changeable. I don't attend any churches although I do believe in a higher power, that is not based inside a pretty building. I'm not by any means rich. In fact quite the opposite. I have tattoos, I've had to curb the language content. I graduated high school but my higher education has been limited to fine arts and basic computers courses only. I'm not married to my child's father. I've been divorced, I've played the field, I've gotten drunk and stupid. (before my daughter was in the picture) My daughter's daddy and I have had are ups and downs but we never really argue. I'm not one for arguments. I have left him before because I felt he wasn't doing certain things in the correct manners with a baby in the picture, not because he's a bad person, because he was being irresponsible. I must say, a wake up call for us both. We have loved each other. His proof by travelling nearly 1000 miles two times to profess his love for me and his daughter, and in our reconciliation, he has been responsible, he has put more effort into our relationship, and his connections with his little girl. I have been more forgiving too, and discuss my feelings more with him, understanding that he is a man, and hunts, and goes fishing, and messes around with automotives. In our downs though, we have never been unfaithful to each other, even when we were separated. Again I have to say, anything we need to talk about we do. We do not argue. Its important for that kind of an environment bringing up a child.

You wouldn't believe all the different things told to me about how I should and shouldn't raise my child. How I needed to now childproof my home. It was insane. Some saying, "well you've never had kids before, you should do this, this, and this - don't do this, this, and this." In all honesty I ignored a lot of it. Child-proof my home? I think I'll home-proof my child, so when I go somewhere like to another relatives house they understand not to get into things. Say no, don't touch, and discipline when they are old enough to understand and just don't want to listen. I don't want to go to someone else's home and say "oh my, I can't stay here because you don't have outlet covers!" What is that??? My mother with 4 kids, with ill health at times kept us away from electrical sockets. My grandmother with eleven kids...they weren't chewing on the woodwork. I wouldn't down anyone, we all have our own methods of what is best for our children that meets their specific needs. What works for one may not work for another. A personal feeling is that they need to taught the word NO, because that one two letter word comes up a lot in life, and I'm a believer in more instructional methods, showing a bit of wrong from right.

Why have I told you all of this? Because I'm as real as it all gets. Not one of us is perfect. We do the best we can in our daily routines. Most of the country is about the same as me, some a bit worse off, some better. In all of who I am, I have a beautiful daughter, who like any 3 year old, has her tantrums, stubborn qualities, struggle to dress in the morning, makes a mess of her room, that I love. It shows in the things she knows, the time I spend with her, and the time she has with her father. He shows her the parts of life in his fearless manner that he can, and I the nurturing and more reserved beyond typewritten words teach her language concepts, basic skills, colors, numbers, letters, words, and of course some humor! Art, creativeness, imagination. And I'm the proudest parent for doing that. A low income, turning a cardboard box into a playhouse, a cardboard toilet-paper roll into a telescope, a rainy day into a day of play. It doesn't take much money. It takes HEART.

So what makes a perfect parent? Absolutely nothing is "perfect", and absolutely everything you put into it all guiding, protecting, and loving.