What Do Marriage Counselors Ask Couples?
Determining Honesty
A marriage therapist must take the client's presentation at face value. A good marriage therapist assumes that the couple is being truthful. If there are indicators of lack of honesty then the therapist can challenge the couple. It is the therapist's responsibility to ferret out if the suspicion of dishonesty is based in evidence or based in one partner's jealousy and unfounded suspicion.
"The therapist can ask 'Is that really how it is? If the therapist believes one of the couple is being untruthful then the therapist can ask the partner, 'Do you believe him/her? What makes you question the truth in this situation?'" Sultanoff said.
Fostering Trust
The therapist can use the skill of structuring (setting limits and boundaries and describing how the therapy will proceed) by saying, "In order for therapy to be effective it is essential that whatever you present during our sessions must be honest. If you are not willing to be honest in the therapy then therapy will not be successful." Sultanoff said.
Challenging the couple to confront their honesty or dishonesty during therapy is a reasonable therapeutic tactic. As described above, the therapist can get each partner involved and discussing whether they believe what the other is saying. This also allows the couple to reveal their perceptions and identify areas of miscommunication. But Sultanoff is adamant that a good therapist will not try to meet individually with the separate parties of the couple to ferret out secret information as this would be fostering deceit.
Reasonable Expectations for Couples at a First Counseling Session
During a first session, a couple can reasonably expect to feel understood by their marriage counselor. They can expect to feel hopeful about their goals or to realize that some goals are not realistic. They can work on gaining direction for future meetings and coming to a basic understanding on one or possibly two major issues. Couples should also expect that the first counseling session is exactly that, a first session where the counselor and the couple are may come to no answers, no solutions and no major changes. But a good first counseling session leads to a second and a third and eventually to the solutions the couple is seeking.
Marriage Counselors first session questions
Questions deal with:
1. Expectations/reactions the couple may have of therapy.
a. What do you hope to accomplish today and what do you hope to accomplish over the course of therapy?
b. What did you expect to happen in here today?
c. How were you feeling in the waiting room?
2. The course of the issues how long, when, etc.
a. When did this change or how long has this been this way?
3. The choice to seek therapy...why now.
a. Why are you seeking help now as opposed to a week from now a month ago? (Seeking the trigger that got them in)
4. Goals of the treatment
a. What will be different when the treatment is over?
b. What is your understanding of your partner's dissatisfaction?
5. Why are you here?
a. What brings you in?
6. Have you been in treatment before? If so what helped and what did not.
a. What were the issues in you previous therapy?
b. Were the issues resolved. If not what happened?
c. How did treatment end?
7. The relationship
a. What did the 2 of you discuss prior to coming here?
b. If you could change 1 thing in the relationship what would it be?
8. The Process of therapy
a. When your partner says "xxxxx" How do you respond?
b. Can you give me an example of that? (For example, he's critical or she's demanding)
*Interview conducted via email with Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD March 10, 2009.
Published by Alyx Grayson
A professional author of more 4,000 articles, Alyx enjoys researching topics and developing them whether it's a fiction or non fiction project. View profile
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- First sessions in marraige therapy is about getting to know the couple and the therapist.
- For marriage therapy to work the couple must be honest with each other and the therapist.
- Therapists can't take sides in couples therapy.