What Do Men Want?

Since I was old enough to be interested in men, I have asked men what they want. And they told me--they really did! But what with one thing and other, it took me years to understand that they were actually telling me the truth. It's my fault, really. I didn't want to believe what they were telling me, even when they were men I respected and could count on to tell the truth. I just couldn't believe it.

I believe it now. Maybe because I managed to stay with a man long enough to really, finally hear what he was saying to me. Maybe because I have kept asking men-friends, relatives, friends' husbands, practically total strangers-what they want, and they keep telling me and telling me. I know I don't have a complete picture, because we all want so many things from life, it's impossible to really tell anyone all of them. Also, there are things we all want that just aren't good conversation for mixed (man and woman) company. So, here's an abbreviated version of what I think men want. It is incomplete: it will make some people very angry. It will make some people nod. They may even be the same people.

Men want sex.

There are probably a few men who will disagree with this statement, but I haven't met them. I think I finally truly started to get a tiny glimpse of understanding when I realized that for men, sex is totally, completely different than it is for women. It feels different; it has different significance and meaning. It requires things of men that nothing else does (namely, trying to figure out how to communicate with women so they will begin and continue having sex).

To some extent, sex makes its own rules. More is always better, and bad sex is still a hundred times better than none at all. Even a very nice man will be pretty ruthless when it comes to getting sex, because it is simply the most important thing. We could spend a lot of time theorizing about how sex has to stand in for other things women understand as closeness and tenderness, and how men aren't allowed to cry so they need more intimacy, or we could revert to the old, "men are animals" routine, or we could talk about biology and how the biological goal is to make as many babies as possible. I have given up trying to understand what makes sex so different for men, but I have accepted that it is. And I've learned to respect its importance in the lives of men I know.

Men want freedom.

Truth be told, we all want freedom, and any relationship worth its salt places some limits on our freedom. In general, I think freedom relates back to sex, because men would like to be able to have sex with lots and lots of women. Again, there are all sorts of theories-invading conquerors, the old biology discussion. I think it may be more of something women don't like to admit themselves: it's fun to have sex with someone new! It's exciting and thrilling, and it spices up your whole life. But it may not happen as often as men would like because women tend to want some continuity in exchange for sex. So, as soon as a guy is really having fun, the woman is starting to make plans and conditions that will limit his ready access to other women. And the hell of it is, a man with a girlfriend exudes something that makes him more attractive to other women, so a guy can have a long, dry spell, then find a girl, and then be presented with all these new opportunities he can't do anything about, because he's "taken". (By the way, this happens with women, too, but women are often in it for other reasons, so extra sex isn't a priority).

But freedom can be lonely. In a monogamous relationship, if all goes well, a man trades his freedom for more frequent sex. If you figure that the average number of times married people have sex is twice a week, the average married guy is getting laid more than a hundred times a year. Most single guys can't approach that average simply because of the numbers. It takes some solid work to get a woman to go to bed with you: courting, wooing, phone calls, events, dinners. If a man is truly committed to being promiscuous, he has to find a new woman every couple of weeks, and that's a full time job. Some guys do the math and figure out that having a wife makes more sense. Yes, it's the same woman time after time, but if you're nice to her, maybe she'll dress up as a cheerleader once in awhile, cover you with whipped cream and let your fantasies go a'roaming.

Men want beer and pizza, preferably served by a beautiful barmaid

I asked my husband what he wanted, and he said (in order of importance), "Sex, beer and pizza. And sex". And we're not talking some fat, dumb slob talking to me from his easy chair in front of a ballgame. We're talking a bright, sensitive, well-spoken man who was doing his best to give me what I want, which is meaningful conversation. So I have to believe him.

I think we could say that men, like women, have sensuous natures that need nourishment. Great food, his favorite booze and the odd pretty face makes him feel happy. His beer and pizza dream is probably equivalent to my bubble bath and chocolate truffle-a soothing, calming, cheerful little dream that's easily realized and truly fulfilling. It's the sensuous things that bring us some comfort when bigger things aren't out there: an hour to read a great book, a funny movie that takes your mind off your troubles, a lazy day at the beach. We all need these gifts to energize ourselves and remind us that we're more than working, relating machines.

Men want compassion.

They probably won't actually come out and say it, but men get hurt. Their hearts get broken and they can't even tell anyone; they suffer from male bashing comments at work, and the more politically correct the man, the more injured he will feel because he's doing his part, but he's still in that group of big, bad brutes. The world is cold and hard for women, and guess what? It's cold and hard for men, too. So, making a man feel loved also involves doing things you would do for a friend: take his side; cuddle him when he's miserable; praise him and compliment him honestly on his wonderful points. Cut him some slack once in awhile: the trash can go out tomorrow. Basically, treat him like you would your best girlfriend who comes to visit you because she's been dumped, only don't make him talk to you, because men aren't like women when it comes to talking about their troubles. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for a guy when he's hurting is buy him a beer, bake him a pizza, and take him to bed.