What Men Won't Tell You but Women Need to Know by by Bob Berkowitz

The book "What Men Won't Tell You But Women Need To Know," by Bob Berkowitz, the main thesis is that by a woman purchasing and reading it that they will gather a better understanding of the men that they love or will love in the future. Berkowitz, a TV host for the CNBC show "Real Personal," has no degree in Psychology, but yet is regarded as an authority on sex and men's behavior in society. The book, while seemingly helpful from the title, offers little "secretive" or classified information on men that was previously unknown to me before I read it. Written in a way that presents a short discussion of topics, the book has sixteen chapters, each of which have sub-chapters within relating to the main topic of the chapter. While his sub-chapters are relevant to the chapter, each is too short and vague to help the reader understand the point that is trying to be conveyed. Each sub-chapter contains a brief explanation of the sub-topic, and then offers an antic dotal story about one of his friends to try to support his hot-air opinions.

Berkowitz covers almost every aspect of a sexual/intimate relationship, but often tries to explain male behavior with a scapegoat of some sort. One of the most straightforward topics that he discusses is what men's view on sex is. In chapter 12, titles Boys Just Want to Have Sex, Berkowitz recounts a discussion that he had with 3 male friends of his in which he asked each one of them if they would do or say anything to get a girl in to bed. Two of his friends responded that they would, and the other said no. Berkowitz then rewords the question so that the sex would have no effect on the emotional aspect of the relationship, and the man changed his response. Berkowitz then states: "By recognizing that a man is following a different agenda, you may be better able to understand what's going on when he suggests that breakfast in bed is his favorite meal of the day…" (Berkowitz, 1991), this statement tries to tell the woman reader that they should be aware that men are only dating them so that they can get them in to bed, and that as a woman we have a responsibility to comprehend this and respond accordingly. It also inadvertently tells the reader that if something that we consider bad happens after a man sleeps with us, that we better understand that it was our own fault for not knowing the secret man-code that was displayed on our date with him. This is completely false. Berkowitz is only trying to propose a cover-up for men who act as if sleeping with their date is some sort of an accomplishment, and he is also subconsciously excusing behavior that desensitizes many people's views on sex as a sacred and emotionally important and committing act.

In my experience if a guy displays that he is only after sex while on a date with me…I can him. A guy who is not interested in my emotions, needs, aspirations, and goals in life is not worth my time. But, I do realize that there are some women out there who seek out this type of relationship in the same way that I seek out the commitment that I look for. I am not trying to say that this is wrong on their part, but I do not feel that this type of behavior from a man is acceptable under any circumstance. Also, men who act like this around women are often avoidant of commitment and display a bad way to date on both a man and a woman's part according to our definition of dating as data collection. "In our culture, dating is a method for sorting out compatible pairs." (DeGenova & Rice, 2002), If a man is only after sex with a woman that he takes out on a date then there is little, if any, data collection going on except for the sexual data. And the woman, by allowing herself to be objectified, is not collecting viable data from the male that she is on the date with. When sex is the primary motivator for dating a specific person, then it is not really dating at all, because you are not engaging in the data-collecting. Berkowitz is condoning the idea of not actually having to date a person, and just being able to jump in the sack and call it proper dating.
When Berkowitz actually speaks of commitment, which is not until chapter 12, he does so in a way that makes the reader feel as if commitment is only perused on the side of the woman in a relationship. In a sub-chapter titled "The Magic Number," Berkowitz speaks of a few of his women friends that have developed a way to determine whether or not a man is worth perusing a commitment with. "I don't know what it is about the number six, but many women have told me that they start to look for their relationships to solidify after about six months" (Berkowitz, 1991), this statement, which he accepts and offers as a factual reality of a woman's perspective on dating, is a fallible conclusion to gather from what course a relationship takes. I understand that he says "many" when referring to the amount of women that have told him that they practice this technique, but, I feel that even saying many would be a falsehood on the way that women date and maintain a relationship.

Berkowitz tries to make cunning remarks to be witty about the behavior of men when it comes to a relationship, but more often than not, he ends up making a statement that makes his look like a chauvinistic pig. In the opening of chapter fourteen "His Cheating Heart" Berkowitz states in the first line: "Men are born window-shoppers." (Berkowitz, 1991), this statement makes the reader assume that they are in for yet another chapter full of reasons that it is completely viable for a man to cheat on a spouse or a girlfriend, and in fact they are right in making this assumption. Instead of trying to find a loophole in the dating system, Berkowitz shifts gears to place the blame for this on the woman. He talks about how men should be allowed to check-out other women even if they are with their partner, and justifies it by saying that women check out each other, so men should be inherently allowed to check them out as well. He then offers an antic dote about his tome working on the Today Show where he was in the green room and watched as the guests would walk in the room to wait to be called on to the show and while they were back there they (all of the females) would look at one another to compare beauty. I think that this is not a relevant claim when trying to explain why men's eyes wander along with other parts of their bodies. When talking about cheating we must be sure to have some sort of a ground laid as to what exactly constitutes as infidelity:

"Infidelity is represented by the combination of (a) the feeling that one's partner has violated a relationship norm regarding the nature of the partner's interactions with someone else and (b) the fact that violation of this relationship norm typically elicits sexual jealousy and rivalry. Infidelity, thus, can be differentiated from behavior that is merely extradyadic but does not represent a violation of relationship norms regarding exclusivity." (Drigotas, et. Al., 1999).

With this definition we can establish that the wandering-eye syndrome that Berkowitz is speaking of in his book is not cheating, but if that situation were taken beyond merely a glance and crossed over in to a physical encounter, that it would then be considered cheating. A relationship norm, as referred to by the definition of infidelity, is basically stating that if the physical or emotional exclusivity is broken by either partner, that it is classified as cheating.

Berkowitz speaks condescendingly to the reader as he asks if a woman would know the difference between a man with wandering eyes and a man who would actually take that to the next level and physically pursue another woman. He then goes on to explain the signs of a man who might be cheating on his significant other, which are signs that many women already know and are aware to watch out for in their partner. Things like changes in behavioral patterns or a sudden decrease in sexual interest in their partner. These signs are fairly obvious to the average person when talking about relationship psychology. Berkowitz then concludes his infidelity segment by stating that "Infidelity is often symptomatic of other problems. Look for those problems and attempt to solve them before the infidelity sets in." (Berkowitz, 1991), which I feel is just another condescending comment that is made in place to make the woman feel as if it is either her fault that the man is cheating on her, or that if she were only quick enough to solve all of the relationship problems that he would not need or have the excuse to run off and cheat. The type of breakup that he is referring to by making this statement is a gradual one, as apposed to the sudden breakup. This type of breakup often shows signs that the relationship is on its way out the door long before the actual split up happens, but the way that Berkowitz makes this statement he infers that it is solely a woman's responsibility to notice this and stop it before it turns in to infidelity.

Berkowitz has a subchapter that is titled "Honesty May Not Always Be the Best Policy" and this bothered me the most about this entire book. In this sub-chapter he says that it is not always a good idea to tell your partner that you have cheated on them, that by telling them you are liable to "rock the boat" of your relationship and cause unnecessary turbulence for you and your partner. This is completely disgusting for his to say. If a person cheats on another person then they should have the courage to stand up and admit to their partner that they did it. If they had the audacity to commit the act in the first place then they need to own up to their responsibility as a man and confess their actions. In my opinion, a man who keeps that immense of a secret from his wife is not only betraying her and their relationship, but also disrespecting her as a person. If he had any kind of respect for her then he would tell her that he cheated and take whatever backlash comes at him due to his actions. There is no circumstance in which a man "accidentally" cheats, or where cheating is a mistake. Berkowitz himself even states in chapter 12, "There is no circumstance in which a man does not know what he is doing or does not have control of himself in a sexual situation." (Berkowitz, 1991). But he then goes on to talk about how coming clean about an affair is not good for a relationship, that it will ruin the homeostasis of the relationship for no good reason. This contradictory statement is one of the many which are within his book that I found while reading. I find it hard to take advice from a man who can not keep all of his opinions and views in alignment with one another.

A man who cheats is throwing away the commitment aspect of the relationship, and therefore is altering the Sternberg Triangle that that relationship has. If a man cheats on his wife, and does not tell her it, which is what Berkowitz is promoting in his book, then he is also affecting the intimacy along with the commitment. When I am in a relationship with a man I expect him to be as honest as possible at all times, and if he were to cheat on me then I would feel as if I could no longer be intimate with him because he betrayed the level of intimacy that I had established with him. Lying, as Berkowitz prescribes, does not do anything more than postpone a larger problem within a relationship, the issue of a lack of trust and commitment.

The final chapter of the book tries to make a profound statement on how Berkowitz feels the future of "the relationship" is going to evolve. He comments on how the changes that have taken place in the last 30 years have made relationships change a great deal and that we are headed for a future that will allow us to be more in-tune with ourselves, what we want from another person, and how to obtain that when seeking out a partner. Again, this is not a statement that made me take a moment from my reading to thank the day that Berkowitz was born. I knew this already also. It is quite obvious that men and women are becoming more selective when choosing partners, because I myself have also been becoming more selective. I notice myself, and my friends, being overly picky when it comes to forming relationships because as modern females we know exactly what we are looking for and we no longer have to settle for the sake of finding a man and settling down. We now have greater opportunities presented for us, we have the chance to receive an education and make the most of whatever profession that we decide to go in to. For some women this has become their first priority, and in today's society that is perfectly alright. Women today have opportunities that our grandparents did not, and so we strive to do the best in all that we do, professions and relationships.

Overall, I do not feel that I have gained any "secretive" information on men as the cover of the book promised. I feel as if I have just read 177 pages of information that was common knowledge, not something that I needed to hear from a TV talk show host posing as a relationship expert. I think that there was nothing more than feeble explanations for why men do the idiotic things that they do in relationships. There was no reference to any psychological theory, just his own opinion backed up with stories about his friend's relationships. If you need to read a book about how to have a healthy relationship and a healthy understanding of your partner do not read this book. It offers no real advice, and wastes the time of those who are actually seeking it.

References

Berkowitz, B. (1991). What Men Won't Tell You But Women Need To Know. New York, NY: Avon Books.
DeGenova, M., Rice, F. (2002). Intimate Relationships, Marriage, and Family. New York, NY: McGraw Hill.
Drigotas, S. M., Gentilia, T., Safstrom, C. A. (1999). An Investment Model Prediction of Dating Infidelity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77 (3).