What? No Toilet Paper?

Being from a Westernized country, I am born and bred to the usage of toilet paper for all my bathroom needs. However, it has recently been brought to my attention that in many places around the world, toilet paper is not used! Quoi? Then how, may I ask, is the business of cleaning up performed? Please tell me it's not the three seashells offered as the eco-friendly alternative in Sylvester Stallone's bomb, Demolition Man (for which, I believe, we never actually got the explanation of how they are used!)

My curiosity got the better of me, and I started doing a little research on the topic. Here is what I found.

In Asia (India), it is common to wash with soap and water after doing the do. Toilet paper is not used here accept by westerners visiting the country. No mention on whether a wash rag is used or if it is all done by hand. Well, that certainly sounds cleaner than simply wiping it away with paper alone. I imagine one would feel completely refreshed after this anal mini-bath.

In olden times, long before the invention of toilet paper, people used grass or leaves to wipe away the grime of the day. Hmmn...it's bio-degradable! Some used the shells from mussels! Greeks used stones. Stones? I wonder if they warmed them first as in modern day Hot Stone massage. I'm experiencing defensive clenching just thinking about that. The Romans used sticks with sponges on the end tht they kept (when not in use) in a bucket of salt water (did they clean the water?) But wait! It gets worse. In South America, there are tribes of native people who live so far from a town that they use corn cobs to wipe! I don't know about you, but that sounds like medieval punishment or some form of torture from the Spanish Inquisition.

Wanna know how the West was won? By dirty cowboys who used good literature to wipe their derrieres. They weren't carrying that copy of the Bible to read! Heck, most of them couldn't read anyway. No, son; they were using the good book for the sole purpose of cleanliness. It's next to Godliness, after all.

In the 1890's, Americans got there first gander at perforated toilet paper thanks to the Scott Company. They wanted to use it also as a way to advertise by printing ads on the sheets. I actually think this would be a good idea today. Let's face it, many trees are wasted on numerous paper ads every year. Why not combine reading in the john with smart advertising? I say instead of all those hopeful political candidates over-stuffing our mail boxes with crap ads that we just throw away anyway, they should rent space on toilet paper sheets where we can read, do the do, and wipe away the do with the add once reading and bathroom time is over. Message recieved and paper is now flushed away to a sewage recycling center. That is my Green idea for the day!

In Muslim countries, they wipe with their left hand (just the hand, mind you) and then wash that hand, hence the practice of only offering the right hand in greeting. Well! I should hope so! Then there are the French, who invented the bidet (pronounced ba-day). It looks like a toilet without a seat, and has a little water fountain in the middle that shoots warm water up in the air. I suppose that could be very Fueng Sui having a water feature in your bathroom. Does it bring in good spirits? Anyway, you straddle the bidet in a semi-squat, and let it wash your arse clean. Saves paper, but wastes water. Go figure. Still, it's much better than using your own hand. I may never be the same after this.

I understand that Eskimos use snow. Talk about a pucker! I suppose that would be a clean, sanitary, and bacteria killing way to use nature's own little shaved ice. It's like a Raspa for your culo! However, I don't even like a cold toilet seat when I sit down much less slapping a handful of snow on my bum.

I guess you could say that after doing a little research, I'm darn happy to be an American. I like my toilet paper combined with a nice, clean-smelling, baby wipe (you know, the Cottonelle for adults?) I'm even all for recycling as long as my Charmin never runs out on the shelf of my local grocer! So the next time you find yourself having that private moment in the loo, offer up a little thank you to the inventors of toilet paper (which began in 14th century China. Dang! They own everything.). Still and all, it may very well be the best invention since sliced bread! (which is probably used in lieu of TP by some remote corner of the world somwhere that we've never heard of)