What Not to Ask Adoptive Parents
You'll Get the Answers Here Without Having to Intrude or Offend
This question is insulting to my "own" children who happen to be adopted. They are my own children and I am their own Mommy. Perhaps people really mean to ask if we will have biological children? Can never be sure. How about you?
"Do you know about his "real" parents?"
My husband and I are his "real" parents. We've cleaned up his vomit, wiped his bottom, taught him his ABC's and his manners, saved for his college and splurged for his birthdays. We are as real as it gets. If you mean, do we know about his biological parents, the answer is yes but that is my child's private business. Leave it alone and I won't ask about your uncle so and so or your first cousin the such and such.
"How could her Mom give her up?"
Actually I am her Mom and I didn't but her birthmother "placed" her for adoption so that she would have a Mom and a Dad that were ready and willing to put her needs first. She was not being selfish. She was being unselfish because she realized that she could not do this for her birthchild.
"You couldn't possibly love an adopted child the way we love our children. How could you know because you haven't given birth."
You're right, that I haven't given birth. Obviously you haven't adopted. We couldn't love these children more if I had pushed them through my nose.
"Is it possible that your children could be bi-racial?"
Most definitely. Especially if we trace their roots all the way back to Noah.
As an adoptive Mom, I am honestly happy to answer any question in which one is trying to open their minds. Although our children know that they are adopted and we are extremely open with them in talking about their adoptions, please don't ask these questions in front of my children. In some cases it is boring because they've heard it many times but in others it is offensive.
George Burns, who fathered both biological and adopted children, was once asked which of his children were adopted. I loved his response,"I forget." Burns was of course known for his quick wit but this is truly how adoptive parents feel.
Published by Angela W. La Fon - Featured Contributor in Lifestyle
As a teacher and a writer Angela enjoys researching, organizing and presenting information in an entertaining way. View profile
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16 Comments
Post a Comment"We couldn't love these children more if I had pushed them through my nose."
I love this line!
>>"Is it possible that your children could be bi-racial?"
>>Most definitely. Especially if we trace their roots all the way back to Noah.
LOL. I doubt that people mean to be offensive, I'd never thought of those questions before. My kids are biracial (first generation, LOL) so that comment made me think "who cares?"
I'll try not to ask those questions next time I meet an adoptive mom.
Excellent, Angela! On the topic of birth moms "giving up" their children...I often feel very protective of my children's birth moms when such a comment is made. I know how much thought they put into the decision to place their babies with my husband and me and am so grateful to them.
Great article. As an adoptive mom, I can so relate.
Read "The Foundling Fox." It is a children's book, a pretty quick read, but has a wonderful message. It available through many public libraries, or you can buy a copy online...It's quite old, translated from another language, but the point is, it is a story about adoption by a mother fox....It also mentions that the mother fox can't tell which is "hers" and which is adopted... I am a birthgrandmother - this book is dear to my heart.
Thanks for a good article.
I'm an adoptive mom also, and I TOTALLY AGREE!
"Especially if we trace their roots all the way back to Noah."-had to laugh at this reply-too funny and witty. Good job-have to keep these in mind.(No I've never asked such callous questions-wanna keep it that way, though).
Nice and to the point. We have 4 adopted, 2 guardians who came to us in their teens - they represent 3 different races. The question we're often asked: "why didn't you want to have your own children?" . . . we would have adopted out of foster care anyway if we gave birth, but I often feel like asking in return "do you really want the detailed medical facts?"
Great article! We have friends who are trying to adopt right now and it would never occur to me to ask those questions. I'm sure there are other things that I say that are stupid, but well-meant, but at least I haven't blundered quite this badly yet. LOL I tend to forget when someone's kids are adopted which leads to stupid comments (i.e. showing my ultrasound pictures at work and a coworker said, wow we never got any pictures of our kids until they were at least 8 months old and I said, "Really?? You didn't take any even at home?") Luckily they just laughed it off.
Welcome to AC, and thanks for this great article. It amazes me the things people are not afraid to ask. Due to albinism and a skin condition, my own kids each have a unique appearance, and people will ask/say whatever pops into their heads. Duh! Kudos to you for bringing this stuff forward!