What Not to Do when You Find Out Your Teen Daughter is Dating an Older Boy

This guide offers two sections: one for mothers of teenage girls and one for for fathers of teen girls. The advice is the same ... what not to do when you find out your teen daughter is dating an older boy.

A Parenting Note to the Mother of a Teen Girl who is Dating an Older Boy

Please don't start reminiscing about your teenage love life. Most mothers will remember that they dated an older boy at that age, and might be tempted to share this experience. Your story may be pleasant ... or dramatically unpleasant, but your story has nothing to do with the fact that your teen daughter is dating an older boy.

It's never a good idea to look the other way and allow your teen daughter to date an older boy. As a parent, you should already know what can come out of this situation...

But it's an even worse idea to absolutely forbid it.

At "that age", rebellion is just waiting for an excuse. It's always better to voice your opinion, firmly and clearly, but create a "safe haven" for your daughter to come and talk if she needs.

In fact, it might be a smart idea to meet the older boy who your teen daughter has chosen to date, and use your womanly intuition to assess his character. It's much easier to pass judgment on somebody when you actually meet them. Even though an older boy dating a younger girl can only mean trouble, not all boys are "only after one thing" and it can be hurtful to your teen daughter if you make this assumption on her behalf.

One thing mothers must do with their daughters is practice having "the talk." I say practice for a reason... because you can never get it right, no matter how many times you try. Having the talk is always going to be awkward and uncomfortable, but the more you do it the easier it will become.

She should already know that storks don't really deliver babies, but if you find your teenage daughter can actually give you graphic sex advice during girl time, then it might be time to talk about putting her on the pill. The most difficult thing with teenage daughters is that they are eager to act like adults... but they are far from thinking like a responsible adult.

If you find out that your teen daughter is dating an older boy, the action you should take will depend heavily on how you found out. If she came and told you herself, then you should handle the situation delicately.

Women are emotional creatures, and if you were ever a teen girl yourself (every mother has been) you should remember what happens when a parent tells you that you can't date a boy because of his age. No matter how you try to explain it, it is still an unfair decision that she is not likely to agree with, or follow. It's better to know what's going on, and continue to be somebody she can trust to talk to... than to have something going on behind your back.

On the other hand, if you found out somewhere else that your teen daughter is dating an older boy-and she hadn't told you herself-then it is a different situation entirely because she is being dishonest. This is a huge trust issue that needs to be dealt with, even if it means stripping away all of her rights until she comes clean.

Don't allow secrets, and don't give a reason to keep secrets.

A Parenting Note for Fathers of a Teen Girl who is Dating an Older Boy

Before you ask how a mother can give fathers advice, consider this. I am not just an average woman, I am also a writer which means I am overly analytical. You'd hate me for it, but it's the way I am. When presented with a situation, I think before I act. (Men don't.)

Not only do I think, but I weigh out all of the options and consider the consequences of each choice. Once I have taken everything into consideration, I make my decision and act. This is why I make a better mother than a father (that, and the whole I'm a woman thing) but, more importantly, it's why I am qualified to give advice to a father who just found out his teen daughter is dating an older boy.

The first: don't have double standards. Anything you would forbid your teen daughter to do, you must also forbid your teen son to do. That means no giving a high five to one child, and grounding another for the same action.

The second: don't automatically fly off the handle. Using threats will only push your teen daughter to be more rebellious.

However, it is okay to be blunt. As an older man, there is nothing wrong with explaining to your teen daughter how boys think, and why she shouldn't date an older boy.

When parenting a teenager, mothers are the one a girl can talk to while a father is the one a girl can respect and is afraid of. Save the polishing of your shotgun for when your daughter is actually allowed to date... but handle the situation of your teen daughter dating an older boy differently.

When a younger girl dates an older boy, it can often be a psychological call for attention... which might mean she isn't getting the right kind of attention at home. Teen girls are still daddy's little girl, only they are growing up and going boy crazy.

Separate right from wrong by making sure that you are spending time with your daughter and participating in healthy activities. It's okay to have one night a week together, just the two of you, to hang out and get to know each other.

In fact, it's important to!

As a little girl grows up and is stuck in the teen years, it is a very confusing time. She can easily get stuck or mixed up in a million different directions, but you can help your daughter be the best and smartest she can be just by keeping close, in a non-threatening way, and staying involved in her life.