What NOT to Give

The following article is a primer for all you retail challenged men out there who will soon be faced with the task of finding something... or anything....to wrap up and put under the tree on Christmas Eve for your sweetheart.

I could begin by giving suggestions for gifts your wife will love, but this is a remedial course and I'm pretty sure that type of article would be way ahead of your learning curve.

Instead I will tell you what NOT to get your wife or significant other for Christmas:

Don't multi-task. In other words, do not pick up your wife's Christmas gift while you are buying something else you need. Do NOT shop at Cabela's , Gander Mountain, or Bass Pro Shop. A general rule of thumb is that if the store sells camo, drills, motor oil, air fresheners or bait, don't look for a gift there. She probably won't like the gift, and she will know that you went into the store looking for the perfect lure and just happened to trip over something you could give her.

Forget anything evenly vaguely related to exercise. Your thought may be that your wife will feel better and be happier with how she looks if she uses the device or gym membership you've purchased. I hate to tell you this...but (in this case) it's NOT the thought that counts. It's the message it sends that counts, and if she opens up a Bender ball, the message is that she's out of shape. If you don't want to get hit over the head with a bar bell, don't give her one.

Don't buy intimate apparel. You know it's really for you, not her...and she knows it, too. And you are on a very slippery slope when you attempt to pick out a size. If it's too small for her, she'll be mad and if it's too big, she'll be insulted that you think she's an XL. Even if you go with a gift card from Victoria's Secret, she'll suspect there's something missing in your love life. You can't win, no matter how good your intentions.

And speaking of gifts that are really for you and not your wife, don't give her appliances for the kitchen. A waffle iron says "I want you to get up even earlier and make me breakfast." A blender says you are as bored with her as she'll be with the gift. The worst holiday gift I ever got from my (first) husband was a plastic water pitcher. Was it something I needed? Yes. Was it something I wanted to open up on Christmas morning? No. P.S. Perhaps you noted that my "first" husband gave me that gift? Enough said.

Don't give her flowers. While flowers are great for almost every other occasion, if you present her with a dozen roses on Christmas morning, the look on her face won't be delight, but, rather, puzzlement. She will wonder why you weren't able to come up with anything to put under the tree for her. She may even wonder what you did that you weren't supposed to and spend the rest of Christmas Day trying to figure it out.

And now, finally, here's how to find your wife a Christmas gift she will love or at least like: Ask her for a list - complete with web addresses and picture ads cut from catalogs and store flyers. If she won't give you a list, ask her sister or her best friend. In fact, you should take the sister or friend shopping with you. After following her around for an hour or two, your worries will be over, and you will be well on your way from "Santa Maybe?" to "Santa Baby!".