What Not to Give Your High-Maintenance Friends and Family Members for Christmas

There are some things you just don't give a high-maintenance person for Christmas. Allow me to save you some time and agony by listing a few definite no-no's:

A restaurant gift card

Please show some mercy to the wait staff and management at your local restaurant this holiday season! High-maintenance folks are known to drive the staff at restaurants crazy as they make unrealistic demands, complain about their order when it arrives, send food back to the kitchen for various reasons, and increase the turnover rate of the wait staff. You have already supported the restaurant by purchasing the gift card, so there's no need to contradict yourself by sending them a nutcase.

Anything home-made

You must be a glutton for punishment if you want to labor over a home-made gift for a high-maintenance person. Think about the logic in this. Better yet, let me know if you find any. High-maintenance people RELISH in the fact that you slaved over a home-made gift and can't wait to throw in their commentary, (i.e. "if you had just..." or "why didn't you..."). And when you become upset they will criticize you for being overly sensitive.

Money

If you gave a high-maintenance person $100 for Christmas, they would expect more the next year. If you gave them $50, it wouldn't be enough. You'd also run the risk of hearing a sarcastic remark like, "Oh, you must not have had time to buy a gift, huh?" Some people can appreciate a monetary gift, but choose your recipients wisely.

A Pet

Unless your high-maintenance friend or family member has explicitly stated the make and model of the pet they want as well as the store or specific breeder from which they want it, don't buy them a pet! They will either: 1) cuss you out at some point for making their lives a living hell with an unwanted pet, 2) criticize your selection, or 3) return it to you. Do yourself a favor and leave Rover for a prospective pet owner who would love to have him.

Food

Save the Danish cookies, popcorn tins, fruitcake and food baskets for yourself or someone that you know without a doubt loves that kind of stuff. If you didn't already get the point from my first tip, HIGH MAINTENANCE PEOPLE HATE FOOD! Well not really food itself, but food that someone else gives or prepares for them. Unless you want to hear about how they had an allergic reaction to the nuts you gave them or spent Christmas day on the toilet or at the hospital being treated for food poisoning, you should avoid giving edible gifts at all costs.

A card or letter noting all of the qualities you love about them

Nine times out of ten it'll be a stretch for you to even find or create such a thing. I avoid giving cards that say kind words about someone who in reality takes delight in being a buthole. And if you make your own card or write a letter, you are opting for that home-made gift that I already warned you not to give them! Don't be surprised if they get mad because you left off one or two of their outstanding personality characteristics or if they harp on the fact that there are spelling or grammatical errors. Or if they read what you gave them and ask, "So what do you really mean by that?" as they prepare to start a 90-minute argument with you when all you were trying to do was be nice.

A kiss under the mistletoe

"How is that a Christmas gift?" your high-maintenance loved one is likely to ask (or some variation of that question). Or, if people are around, they may try to embarrass you by calling you a cheapskate, commenting on the quality of your breath or putting a hand in between their lips and yours at the very moment you pucker up and stating "No PDA" (Public Display of Affection). It's not that high-maintenance people don't like affection, but you had better come with more than that on Christmas Day unless you want to deal with pouting lips or public humiliation.