What Not to Say to a Cop Down South

Ext. Highway-Day

A minivan with New Jersey license plates is pulled over by a Florida police officer. He is dressed in a full southern state police uniform, complete with mirrored sunglasses. He walks calmly and deliberately to the driver's side window, where we see Steve, in his thirties, awaiting the officer's arrival.

The officer appears at the window with his citation book in hand.

Officer: Good morning.

Steve: Yeah, it's a good morning for you. You're not a northerner being pulled over by some redneck cop.

Officer: I see y'all are from out of state.

Steve: Well, that's how Interstate gun trafficking works.

Officer: Do y'all know why I pulled you over?

Steve: Don't tell me. Our eyes met back there and you thought we may have had a moment.

Officer : Do you know what the speed limit is on the down side of that bridge that you just came over?

Steve: Let me guess. A million miles an hour.

Officer: It's thirty-five miles per hour.

Steve: Fifty-five miles per hour going up the bridge and thirty-five coming down it. Gee, if I didn't know any better, I'd think that's some kind of speed trap, there, Jethro.

Officer: Didn't you see that thirty-five mile per hour speed limit sign?

Steve: Actually, Officer, no I didn't. I was too busy reaching in the cooler for another beer. Would you like one?

Officer: Well, I don't know what they do in New Jersey, but do you know what we do down here in the south?

Steve: Aren't you late for a Klan meeting?

Officer: We obey the speed limit.

Steve: Well, that would have been my ninetieth guess.

Officer: I clocked you at sixty-three miles per hour.

Steve: Hey, I'm pretty impressed, considering you don't look like you can count higher than five or six.

Officer: Driver's license.

Steve hands over his driver's license.

Officer: Steven Harris. Is that your name?

Steve: Actually, no. My real name is Rodney King. Why don't you invite eighty or ninety of your cousins over here and you can play pavement pinata with me?

Officer: Can you tell me why the state of New Jersey hasn't issued you a picture I.D. driver's license?

Steve: Well, that's because I'm from another planet and our image doesn't show up in a photograph.

Officer: This state issues photo IDs to all its drivers.

Steve: That must make it tough, considering you start driving tractors at, what, the age of four down here?

Officer: It says here that you are six feet.

Steve: Actually, I have six feet. I'm from another planet, remember?

Officer: Is there any reason you're in such a hurry this morning? Some sort of emergency?

Steve: Well, Barney, I was rushing over to your house so that I could marry your wife, who is also your sister. Right?

Officer: Well, sixty-three in a thirty-five mile per hour zone puts you twenty-eight miles over the speed limit.

Steve: Once again, I'm impressed. You actually did that without taking off your shoes.

Officer: Do you know what the fine is for being twenty-eight miles over the speed limit?

Steve: Down here? Probably, three chickens and a jar of preserves.

Officer: That's one hundred fifty dollars, plus ten dollars court costs.

Steve: So, that means eighty for you and eighty for the judge, who is probably your pappy.

Officer: Now, you can come back to court next week...

Steve: Oh yeah, like I want to spend another minute in this jerk-water-one-horse-hick-town.

Officer: ...or you can mail the one hundred sixty dollars to the address on the ticket.

Steve: And that would be, what, your home address?

Officer: If you fail to pay the fine within thirty days, do you know what happens then?

Steve: You tear the ticket up and we have a good laugh over it?

Officer: We will notify the state of New Jersey and your license will be suspended.

Steve: In mid air? Do you know any other tricks? I mean, besides your wife?

Officer: Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve: Yeah, can you tell me where I can unload about two hundred kilos of cocaine?

Officer: Do you have any other questions, Mr. Harris?

Steve: Just this. About how many species of barnyard animals have you slept with?

Officer: Well, then, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

The officer hands Steve the ticket.

Steve: Thank you, Officer Billy Bob. By the way, why don't you go screw yourself? And, don't step in any cowpies.

The officer walks back to his patrol car. The announcer enters.

Announcer: Wouldn't it be great if we could say exactly what was on our minds at a time like this, without fear of recrimination?

Cut to:

Ext. Swamp-Day

A crew of police and volunteers are dragging the swamp.

Announcer (V.O.) Of course, if you did answer that way, there's a good chance they may end up dragging the swamp for you. So, remember, when you're going down south, drive carefully and obey the speed limit.

Fade out.

The End