What NOT to Say on Valentines Day

When we think of February, it is hard not to think of Valentines day. It is the shortest, coldest month, and Valentines day is supposed to warm up that fact. Since we must endure this candy pushing, flower pumping, restaurant buying, greeting card frenzied holiday, what are NOT the right things to say to your mate on this most romantic holiday (at least, we are told it is the most romantic.)

Baby, forget dinner, dancing, flowers and wine, just take your clothes off and let's do it.
If you are trying to romance your date, sooooooooo not the way to do it. Spring for a light dinner, buy a freaking rose, but don't think your personal charm alone will get your date to fling off her clothes and attack you.

If you are married, and married for a while, disregard the suggestion above, and do as the wrong line says. Maybe ask to have the television on.

Oh crap, I forgot the condoms.
You are not getting it tonight.

If you are married, you are not getting it tonight. Whether there are condoms or not.

Can we just sit and talk?
Ladies, I don't care what kind of metro-sexual man you've got, but if he put himself out to take you to dinner or a movie or buy you a boat or whatever it is, can you just skip the conversation for ONE night and just let it be about the love and the sex?

If you are married, he is used to this, just make sure he has a beer and a snack.

Is this a bad time to bring up my STD?
Ladies - yes. Men - yes. However, if this is the night the two of you, who have been dating a short time, have decided to make that sweet love, yes, a good time to say it, but wait until the movie is done or you have had dinner. Get some of the fun out of the way. Maybe, at least, the good feelings won't subside so quickly and the disappointment will set in slowly.

If you are married, great timing, but bring along the divorce papers too.

Get whatever you want on the menu. My treat.
Fine. That is a nice gesture, a little pompous (no matter if you are male or female), and totally stupid. When he or she orders the buffalo meat that was aged for 100 years in clay pots in Mayan temples that will end up costing you $200, when you get to the sexual part of the Valentines evening, you will not be able to get that damn $200 , and where you are gonna pull it out of, out of your head. Totally not worth it.

If you are married, you've never uttered those words, so your partner will automatically think you are cheating.

I'm pregnant.
Um, total buzz-kill. Wait til February 15th.

If you are married, there are many responses you may get, "Again?' "What the hell?" "Oh great...." "Finally!" "And it's mine?" and last but not least, "Could you have waited til tomorrow to tell me?"

I'm gay.
If you are a homosexual, than SCORE! If you are not, that sucks. This is something you should have started with when you said, "Hello, my name is--" to the person you are dating. You really just suck big time if you tell them on this night that is supposed to be this whole romantic shindig.

If you are married, you are either totally, freaking relieved or just really pissed. It's actually a good night to say this because when do you guys go out anyway, with the kids, and jobs and after school activities. This night should be exciting and full of surprises!

I'm tired.
Nope. Not allowed to say it. It's Valentines day, just lay there and take it.

If you are married, do what you always do. Just lay there and take it!

Have a very Happy Valentines Day!