What Parents Should Do When Their Teen Wants to Leave Home
Let Them Go and Learn Valuable Life Lessons
High school has been difficult and you are constantly fighting with your teenager. He is smart enough, but not applying himself. At eighteen he is a junior, and now is a bit ahead of his classmates in maturity. He does not see the bigger picture, and does not have a plan for the future. He has a part-time job and is earning money. He is hanging with kids his age or older, and they all have plans that do not include parents. He declares he is going to move out and be on his own. He does not need curfews or your advice.
So, what do you do since talking endlessly and arguing has not been productive? You say, "O.K.", and leave him standing mouth agape and in shock. However, you did not arrive at this decision lightly. You and your spouse have discussed this thoroughly and you have agreed on a plan. If, due to a divorce situation, there is a non-custodial parent, then you have discussed what you are doing with that parent too. Everyone needs to be on the same page of the book. Once the initial shock has sunk in, and before the youth begins his celebration of freedom, you sit down and lay out the terms of this agreement. This is not a total free-for-all contrary to his belief. In reality, you are still in charge and he needs to understand that his desire for freedom comes with responsibility.
First, you emphasize that high school is his first priority and he must attend school and make an effort to get decent grades. You inform him that you will advise the school of the new living situation, and that the school will still call you, as the parents, on attendance and grade issues. He will nod his head emphatically and assure you that he will be an outstanding student.
Secondly, you advise him that he cannot waltz in and out of your house at will. You gather his key and tell him to call if he wishes to stop by. He is welcome anytime, however he can use the front door like anyone else. You will offer him the same courtesy at his place. He will nod, but the slightest glimmer of hesitancy will pass over his face. You have to look carefully to see past his bravado as he processes your information.
Thirdly, you tell him what he is allowed to move. He can have his bedroom furniture and worldly possessions such as stereo, TV, and other electronic equipment. You will allow him to take his car, and he is responsible for general upkeep such as gas and oil changes. He needs to report any larger problems with the car and you will deal with those problems on an as needed basis. At no time may he pawn any of these goods for money. They belong to you and you are allowing him to use them at his new place. When you finally get to the budget category of this discussion, you will understand why it is necessary to give the pawn caveat.
Finally, you discuss the budget. Try to keep a straight face and nod as he presents the big plan. Between the two or three young men, they have nothing and no clue on the price of groceries and general living expenses. They have allocated for rent, phone, cable, and grandiose party plans. You briefly discuss the holes in the life plan, and give some advice. This is glossed over because you are far too negative. At this point, you wish him good luck and you tell him that he needs to maintain his grades, job, and decent credit. You will yank the plug on this project at any time if he does not meet the criteria. Tell him that by choosing to be an adult, he needs to act like one.
He moves out with the optimism of youth, and your house is quiet. You hear from the school once in awhile, and you can see the deterioration of the grades and attendance. You try to call him but the number has been disconnected. Sooner or later he comes by for a meal. His rangy thin frame has lost a few pounds, and he is obviously eager for a decent dinner. The glow of roommates and the responsibility of grocery shopping and taking care of general aspects of living is wearing thin. A load of clothes is stolen from the Laundromat and you can sense the crack in the veneer. Keep the dinner conversation light and discuss all of the fun things you are doing without him in the house. It is difficult, but you can tell it bothers him a bit to think that your life is absolutely fine without him.
The junior school year ends and the results are not good. The experiment in freedom and adulthood is coming to an end whether he likes it or not. Let him run wild for the summer. Schedule a meeting prior to the beginning of senior year and tell him he shall come home to finish school while under your roof. He protests and is upset, and yet there is an underlying resignation. To this day, he will declare that he could have continued living on his own. For the sake of his pride, that is fine. Let him think that. You be the bad guy and make him come home. He needs to eat, earn good grades, and enjoy his senior year.
We all become adults soon enough. While he does not understand this as he moves back home, he will come to appreciate the opportunity you gave him to be on his own, to glimpse adult responsibility, and to learn some valuable life lessons. He will begrudgingly respect you, and I can happily report an excellent senior year culminates in graduation and some plans for the future, other than living hand-to-mouth and from party to party. Whew! Raising teenagers requires creativity and teamwork on the part of parents.
Published by Joanne Faries
Tired of the red stapler, I left the business world to stare at a new set of four walls. Researching, writing, and wondering what the heck I am doing, I am the envy of many friends. My husband hopes I learn... View profile
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- Stop fighting with your young adult and let them leave the nest.
- Control the situation with guidelines for school, work, and fiscal responsibility.
- Monitor the experiment and let yourself be the bad guy for bringing it to an end.
25 Comments
Post a CommentI love my parents more than anything, but when it comes down to it I have always waited for college, that was what I've always dreamed of, getting away from home, not being blamed/yelled at/lectured for everything. My parents are strict, very strict indian parents, but at the same ime they only try to do what they feel is best for me, but as it happens, the college I have my heart set on (which has also offerend me a generous scholarship) is only 30 minutes from home, meaning it would be much cheaper for me to commute, that's what my parents want me to do, but sometime between october (when I got accepted) and now it dawned on me that it's time I did what I felt what right for me for once. I've saved up enough for a semester's worth of rent and I'll probably make enough for 2nd semester this summer, different things work for different people, I can function so much better, I am so much happier when I'm not at home, and I'm tired of having to lie so much to their faces, I make good grades, I'm an honor student, I believe I can stay on top of things, and even if it doesn't work out I just can't let myself not give it a try - it's worth that much at least.
The other story was cut off but the final verdict was we have to pay her mothers boyfriend child support all because she wanted to live free.
I have a stepdaughter who was unruly and then we told her to quit having people come to my house while we were at work. I live in chillicothe ohio and the juvenile system here is a fraud. She knocks on my door in the morning hours of may 2010 wanting the rest of her belongings. I told her to leave and she left, but not before horrible comments. I'm going to kill your dog burn down your house and have you stolen from she also made the comment it will be done watch and see. several weeks went by and i was stolen from. I then filed a report before the robbery and pressed unruly charges on her. She was living with her older sister and she was always boozing it up. Yes a 16 year old drinking with her boyfriend who is 21 now living together with her older sister and her boyfriend. I filed charges and wanted justice done. We even bought them a tent so they can live on some land they had. What kind of person would let a 16 year old live in a tent. the same type of person that can't afford to b
I've been amazed and overwhelmed through the years by the comments on this article I wrote. I think I stated I was no authority, merely telling what my husband and I chose to do when the son wanted to move out at seventeen/junior year. I can't emphasize enough that he did not succeed in independence at that age, and we did make him move home for senior year. We were lucky - it worked out. Today he's 29 - out of the Marines, employed, married, has a baby, and is responsible. And he still says he felt he succeeded. Each case is different. I wish everyone good luck in communication. So much is Luck and gut feelings.
i have a question on my kids who are 17 son and 15 daughter who live with their mother and we both have custudy but my kids have come too me and asked if they could move in with me and my wife, at what age are they able too move and live were they want too and with whom thay want too ???
im 16 i live in france no money or job but i want to move out i dont get along wed parents at all they allways putting me down . Any advice?
This is an incredibly condescending article. All teens are immature, think they know everything, and can't take care of them selves? Right, yeah...that's how it is...*eye roll* not only do I, at 16, take care of myself, but my brother, my sick mom and sick grandparents. And after all that I have to beg so that they will let me buy healthy food for myself, waste my weekends on church, and am not allowed to express my own opinions(they think I'm evil/going to hell because I'm of different spiritual beliefs). Sadly though, they are incredible at making me feel guilty--I think I'm actually developing a little Stockholm's. I'm not allowed to drive or have friends outside of church, let alone a boyfriend or sexual relationship. No one I could really move in with... I've had to quit several jobs because of them (or transportation issues which circle back to them). As soon as I can get enough money for food I out: I'll likely sleep in a tent until I can find something else to do, but I have go
It is just that are only working for 1 year the only furniture his got is his bed, tv and laptop. Now he wants to move in with a couple(boyfriend and girlfriend) and too me that is not right. I dont mind him leaving the home if it is to stay by himself not sharing with the couple. tried to explain the consequences but I am no the monster. My husband did not say a word and that is frustrating.
It saddens his dad and I deeply to watch this self-destructive behavior. He had everything going for him. As I said, he had a 4.3 GPA, honor student, 2nd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do and instructs, Texas State Champion through the Amateur Organization of Karate, and was being courted by several colleges. We just don't understand why he would throw away everything he had worked so hard achieve.
My 18 year old son who had a 4.3 GPA and was 6 months from graduating high school decide that we were "too strict" and left home in the middle of the night with a note on the table and left the back door open. When he left home he had no job, no money, no transportation and no place to stay. Since leaving, his girlfriend's parents have let them set up house in their home and they are supporting both of them, he has missed 15 days of school since Jan 6, and he is now failing his classes and my not graduate. All of this because he girlfriend and her parents (and who knows who else) put it into his head that he was 18 now and he did not have to be accountable to anyone and he could do whatever he wanted. So, now he will get to be accountable to the truancy court judge and unless he pulls it together rather quickly and at least completes his high school education, he will find out just how hard it will be to make ends meat without an education. It saddens his dad and I deeply to watch th