What is Radical Unschooling?

Radical unschooling? "What?" you say. "Unschooling itself isn't radical enough?" Let's back up here with a simple definition of unschooling. Unschooling is a type of homeschooling in which parent and child are partners in learning, with the child's own inclinations and desires guiding the focus of the moment. Unschoolers believe that we learn everything we need to know in our own way and time, so a parent's role is to provide resources and support-a rich environment for learning that doesn't dictate when and how it should be done.

This is a heady, even scary concept for many. You mean we don't need to tell our children exactly what to do and how to do it? They don't need us to map out a curriculum? No, indeed. The best learning takes place when it comes from intrinsic motivation, and unschooling is a wonderful way to help your child build a very strong connection to this guidance from within. Placing a child in a classroom (either in school or at home) and making decisions for her is the way to sever this connection. Coercing another person to do something he has no inner inclination to do is no fun for either party. Sitting back, watching your child's interests, and finding interesting ways to build on those is an energizing and joyful way to live.

If this is too much for you already, take a step back and go read more about unschooling in general. Read about how lifelong unschoolers enter college and/or the workforce with no problem, how they move on to interesting and fulfilling careers and lives. If the concept of living in academic freedom intrigues you, read on to discover how one can extend that to all of life.

Thousands of families have found a way to live that is based on peaceful communication and respect rather than domination and coercion. Extending the freedom to decide inherent in unschooling to all of life, including food choices, bedtimes, computer time, and TV, is commonly known as radical unschooling or whole life unschooling.

Two common questions that immediately spring to mind when people are introduced to this concept are why and how? Why would families choose to live in such chaos? How could such an absence of control be beneficial for children? Be still, and take a moment to question your assumptions. We live with layer upon layer upon layer of cultural assumptions based on the idea that one must force or coerce one's child for her own good. What if those assumptions simply aren't true? What if those false assumptions are, in fact, responsible for much of the conflict that occurs between parents and their children?

What radical unschoolers find is that their kids are capable of deep communication, problem-solving, finding ways to live in harmony with others-all in the absence of force. They typically report that their teens are a joy to live with because the whole focus of their lives has been built upon developing relationship, connection, and cooperation. When families have consistently allowed struggle to emerge and dealt with it peacefully and respectfully instead of simply wielding authority and forcing their child into particular behaviors, there is nothing for the child to rebel against, no need to fall into typical teen-parent patterns of adversity.

What does this look like on the ground? Let's take food choices. A radical unschooler will joyfully serve up ice cream for breakfast upon request. This is already sounding pretty kooky, isn't it? Let's follow it a little further.

My 3-year-old son and I went out to lunch together yesterday at a bakery/café with many delectable treats displayed prominently. I knew we would be waiting at least a few minutes for lunch and my son was pretty hungry, so I asked him what he wanted from the vast array of sugary, delicious stuff. He picked out a black forest cupcake.

Black forest cupcake before lunch, you say? A Good Parent would make the child wait until he had proven himself by eating a balanced, healthy lunch. But food doesn't work that way around here. We don't value one food over another, making it seem precious and rare in our child's eyes. He can eat what his body is telling him to eat, and it's wonderful to us to sit back and see how he is perfectly capable of being in touch with what he needs.

As it turns out, he didn't need to eat the cupcake, but it provided much delightful fodder for conversation as we waited for lunch. He dubbed it a dragonberry cupcake , ate the cherry (dragonberry) on top with much joy, and generally talked to and about the cupcake until our food arrived: "It's so delicious! I love dragonberries. I've got a dragonberry cupcake! Mama, do you like this dragonberry cupcake? It's beautiful!" When lunch arrived, the frosting had been licked a few times. He set it aside to dive into the veggies and dip I gave him.

One food was not placed out of reach and therefore made more valuable and attractive than another. We took the cupcake home and got it out to show Papa when he got home, whereupon about a third of it was consumed. It would have been just fine if he had eaten the cupcake right away, too, but our experience demonstrates how many assumptions about kids are just not true.

But what if all my kid wants to do is eat ice cream all day? We've been there. Haven't you had days like that? The world does not fall apart when we explore our fascination with a particular food for a day or two. When he was about two, our son discovered the joys of ice cream and decided he wanted it all day long. I think we had about two days of five to six servings a day. After that, he chose to eat it once or twice a day for several weeks. After that, he was over the intensity. Now he eats ice cream when he wants ice cream, which is every now and then and sometimes more or less than that.

Radical unschooling is very much about releasing struggle, placing the focus instead on creating a supportive environment around the child as she finds her way, understanding how kids can use all of life as a canvas for learning, especially when they're free to explore. When skeptics assume that a radically unschooled life is necessarily chaotic or unhealthy, they're almost entirely missing the support aspect. A radical unschooling parent will serve up ice cream for breakfast with a smile. He will also provide healthy snacks throughout the day, be connected enough to his child to see when there is a potential for imbalance, and offer specific foods (like something protein-based) as needed. By the same token, a radically unschooled child will know enough about his own body and inclinations to take advantage of what is offered or make specific requests.

The same logic applied to food choices can be applied to bedtimes, computer, and television. When kids are given freedom to choose, they do indulge in phases of intensity, which turns out to be a very good way of finding one's way to balance. When the balance is authentic and based on life experience instead of imposed from the outside by authority, the child values the lessons learned and has no need to rebel against them.

Many parents say that their children would do nothing but watch television all day if they weren't limited. That's not the case around here. We've had our periods of intensity. A fascination with all things Curious George led to hours of television watching every day for a week or so. It's just as easy for us to go days without television as we explore other things. Remember the support aspect. Unschooled kids are not simply abandoned. They exist in rich, supportive environments with many options for what to do. Parents are present, aware, and connected. Television is not made more precious through limitation, so kids are able to find their own best levels of media exposure. By not demonizing television (or books or art), we're also able to fully appreciate the many wonderful things that television offers.

One notable exception to this picture of balance is kids who are "deschooling," transitioning from a life bound by restrictions to one characterized by freedom. A child who is learning to navigate on his own for the first time will often plunge headlong into periods of great intensity that leave parents wondering if lifting restrictions was truly the right decision. Over time, though, they find their balance, too. It just takes a bit more time and patience. The more support, understanding, and trust a parent can provide during this period, the better.

What would your life look like with a little more ease and trust, a little less force? How would your relationship with your children evolve if you focused more on providing support and less on telling people what to do and enforcing your agenda? Give it a try-you might be surprised. A joyful, free, amazing life awaits you.