What to Get Your Redneck Dad on Father's Day

With Father's Day fast approaching, many of us are scrambling about, trying to find the perfect gift for a cherished family member. The point of any gift is to remind the recipient of his or her connection with you, and hopefully to create a positive emotional response. Those of us with Rednecks in the family know that this is truly a daunting task, as Rednecks generally show emotion only during showings of Old Yeller and songs by Hank Williams. So I'm going to go over a few Father's Day gifts for all the Redneck dads out there. Hopefully you'll see something that will bring a smile to his weather-beaten face.

Many of you, especially those outside America, might not have heard of a Redneck. According to Urban Dictionary.com, the term refers to "a working-class man from the Southeastern United States who spends a lot of time performing manual labor outside. Thus, he received a 'red neck' from the sun."₍₁₎ Jeff Foxworthy, though, defines the class more succinctly. He describes being a Redneck as having a "glorious absence of sophistication."₍₂₎

There are all kinds of suitable Father's Day gifts available for Redneck dads - you just have to know what to search for. Your average Redneck takes great pride in his pickup truck. It's the type of vehicle that shows that he has an occasional need to haul wood or large dogs from one place to another, and that he fully supports global warming. You can help him look even more virile by purchasing a set of TruckNutz. This small rubber device looks like the southbound end of a northbound bull, and hangs off the back of a truck's bumper. Its purpose... actually, I have no idea what the purpose of this device is. But it's phenomenally popular among Rednecks. One set costs about $15.00.

Rednecks hate doing household chores, but they love NASCAR. Why not ease the sting of cleaning up after himself by allowing him to operate a Dale Earnhardt TrackVac Robotic Vacuum? He'll race the tiny vacuum around his house at breakneck speeds, and he'll try his best to seek out and destroy any Jeff Gordon paraphernalia in his path. (It's a well-known fact that Rednecks hate Jeff Gordon). This gift will set you back approximately $289.00.

The natural state of a Redneck is shirtless and barefoot, but some of the classier establishments that they frequent (Wal-Mart, Denny's) require you to wear shirts and shoes. When they're coerced into wearing such attire, Rednecks frequently choose t-shirts with large graphic designs and witty sayings. Now, it's difficult to judge what a Redneck will find funny, so you need to stick to a few tried-and-true topics: hunting, the Confederate flag, dogs, Dale Earnhardt, and guns. This particular t-shirt (which reads "I'm all for gun control; I use both hands") would be ideal. In general, you can expect to pay between $7.00 and $20.00 for a Redneck-themed t-shirt.

Despite what you believe, Rednecks have evolved over the years. In fact, you might not know that Rednecks have invented a whole new sport. It's called "Cornhole," and it's remarkably similar to horseshoes, but you're tossing beanbags instead of... well... horseshoes. Also, you're aiming at a tilted board, rather than just a stake in the ground. Both of these advancements are safer if you're the type of person who chooses to drink while you play. You can pick a board up for your dad at this website, and you won't see him in the house before the sun goes down until at least September. Customized boards can cost as much as $200.00, but you can purchase a kit and make your own for about $40.00.

Finally, Rednecks have a great sense of humor. So the best Father's Day gift would be a copy of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour on DVD, featuring noted Redneck comedians Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, and (my personal favorite) Ron White. The whole family can char some dead animals on the grill, hop onto couch, and laugh their way through Dad's special day. You can find used copies on eBay for less than $10.00.

Happy Father's Day to my dad, who probably wouldn't consider himself a Redneck. But he's not very far removed. Hopefully he found something to smile about in this article. If you enjoyed what you read, please leave more gift ideas in the comments section.

(1) = http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=redneck

(2) = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Foxworthy