What is a "Safe Call" in BDSM?

"Have fun, sweetie! Make sure to call me when you get there!" Does that sound familiar? When I was a kid, that's what my mom would say to me every time I went to a friend's house to play. Of course, back then, I thought she was being an overprotective worrywart. But in the present day, her reminder turns out to be good advice for everyone in the BDSM lifestyle: use a safe call.

When you're considering playing with a new BDSM partner, it's very tempting to rush into that first scene, without planning anything more than what toys to use and what you're going to wear (or not wear). But we've all read the news stories and heard warnings from concerned friends, about someone who was hurt or killed when they met in person for a BDSM scene with someone they hardly knew.

Maybe they met at a BDSM group's munch, and the dominant charmed the submissive and convinced her that he had years of experience in the BDSM lifestyle, and that he was a trustworthy guy. (Note: this situation could just as easily apply if it was a female dominant and a male submissive, also. Don't assume that you're automatically safe from harm because of your gender or because of your role.) Or maybe they met online, where, as we all know, anyone with a computer can claim to be trustworthy. In this situation, your new BDSM play partner is, more or less, a stranger to you. You only know what he told you, and that might be totally fake.

So how do you stay safe when you're playing with someone new? One way is by using a safe call. A safe call is a way for you to check in with another person who knows where you are, who you're with, and when you'll check back in. If you don't check in, or if you use a pre-arranged code phrase to indicate that you are in danger, your contact person calls for help.

A good safe call is one in which your contact person has as much information as possible. You should provide your contact with information such as: your full name, your home address, your phone number (home and cell, if possible), and details about your car (make, model, and license plate number), as well as your new play partner's full name, home address, phone numbers, online ID, and any other information you have about him.

It's also very important to provide information about where you're meeting (a hotel, your house, new partner's house), a phone number for the meeting place, the time and date of the meeting, and pre-arranged times that you will call and check in. It's generally recommended that you call within 15 minutes of arriving, after the first 45 minutes, after the first 2 hours, when the meeting is over, and then 30 minutes after (or when you get home). If the meeting is longer than 3 hours, then call every 2 hours.

It's also recommended that you set up code words or phrases with the person receiving your safe call to indicate if you are in danger but cannot say so in front of your play partner. Make these code words something common, that are easy to work into a conversation in a natural way. For instance, if you are in danger, you could tell your contact person, "I need you to close my windows, in case it rains." Anything with everyday terms is much less likely to alert your play partner that you are signaling your contact person to call the police.

Finally, let your new BDSM play partner know that you have set up a safe call. If he is as trustworthy as he claims to be, he won't have any problems with it -- in fact, he should be glad that you did. On the other hand, if he objects or gets angry that you've set up a way to check in with a third party, that's a strong signal that he's probably not a safe partner.

In BDSM, safe calls are always a good idea, to make sure that you can keep on playing. Like my mom said -- have fun, but make sure to call!