What You Say Can Build or Break Your Child

As a parent we know the importance of encouraging the development of our child's self esteem. But we often forget the power of words used daily when speaking to our children.

The spoken word is very powerful. In the song "Other Peoples Lives" by Ray Davis, "Words cut like a thousand knives. .... For playing games with other people's lives." We as parents fail to understand our words cut and play games with our children's lives.

It's so easy to overlook the effect of our words in the fast paced and often stressful times we experience everyday. But our frustrated angry words often bring and make any situation worse.

When we are stressed or frustrated often words are spoken without thought. Next time you are out listen to the words around you. Too often at the store you hear a parent not only disciplining their child, who is delivering harsh or hurtful words. I know as a parent it hurts to hear the words. But imagine how the child feels who is receiving the words!

Shopping with children can be very frustrating. With all the commercials kids see on TV children are almost programmed to ask for what they see. Your little children don't know about budgets, or healthy foods.

All they know is your words hurt and don't respect them. Too often we forget as parents we model behavior for our children. If we don't show respect for our children, they won't learn the value of respect for others, or us. These lessons we unknowingly give can come back to haunt us when our children become teens. At that time you often hear parents talking about not knowing where and when the disrespectful behavior started.

Encouragement can help. Encouragement doesn't have to be in large doses. A little encouragement can go a long way. Whether it's helping your child with their spelling or math homework, the reinforcement from our encouraging words can make a big difference to our children today and in the future. Encouragement also helps build the self- belief system in our children. When times are tough or our children are having difficulty remembering how to spell a word, they can draw on their encouragement reserve.

When drawing from their encouragement reserve the child knows someone, you their parent, believes in them. Often children find this belief is enough to use their self-confidence and find the answer.

I spent some time tutoring a child at my daughter's school in math. For someone who dreaded math tests I suggested I tutor reading instead. The teacher said the class really needed a math tutor and it was only multiplication tables.

I remember the very first student saying, "Math comes so easy for you." I smiled and told him my story of learning how to do the multiplication tables. Together we took two packages of index cards and made him flash cards to practice with at home. I encouraged and showed the child how he could solve the problems he thought he could never solve.

One week later when I entered the classroom, the child ran up to me with his paper. He had received a 100 on his test. He excitedly told me of his practice at home with his parents helping them. He told me how his parents reacted to his first 100 on a math test. "They said, I'm smart and learn fast," he told me. "My parents said that!"

In less than two weeks the child was able to conquer learning his multiplication tables. Was it the tutoring? No, I believe it was the encouragement and reinforcement he received in his practice and at home. His success was fed with the belief his parents thought he was capable.

Simple words of encouragement can help your child become more capable. This boy now believes he is smart and learns fast. As he grows up this belief and encouragement will carry him as he reaches for other goals in life.

It's not impossible for you to do something you were told you could not do as a child. It's never too late to speak positive, encouraging words to your children, your spouse, your friends and yourself. After all I became a math tutor and now balance my checkbook easily. Our words don't have to cut with our words in our children's lives or our own.