What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving
Society clings to clichéd expressions regarding grief. We apologize for something of which we have no control; we offer encouragement by saying out loud that we imagine they're no longer in pain in heaven. Have we been to heaven? No. There are many things that we say to those who are grieving that do not address the pain whatsoever.
What should we say to someone who is grieving? My current business card reads "That Sucks". It certainly catches one's eye, and that is exactly the point. It is the phrase that tweens rely on to describe life's crappy circumstances, but why shouldn't adults embrace this as well? Death does suck. It hurts, it rips families apart, it creates anger, guilt, resentment, sadness, and a void in someone's life. How about we start stating the obvious, and when someone tells us that a loved one has died, we respond with "That Sucks."
Being relatable is one of the most common ways we interact with one another. In sharing a story about one's life, we often counter that with a similar story from our own history. Someone who is grieving often does not want to be compared in their grief, because it is their own and completely individual. While many stages of grief are similar, different circumstances take us through those stages at different times, and many of us have varying viewpoints on death and the afterlife. In comparing the story of your grandfather whom passed when you were 10 with someone whose husband died just a few days ago, there is no comparison. Death is death, but each person experiences it individually.
The best thing that society can do to support someone in grief is by acknowledging the horrible situation, make the person aware that we are there to support and help, and stand by them in silence. The clichéd phrases and attempt at relating circumstances may diminish the griever's feelings and in some ways, dis-acknowledges their right to grieve and feel plain rotten about the situation. Stand by, be silent or at least be real, and offer support by way of admitting the reality of death.
Published by B.L. Boitson
I am an avid believer in life, love, freedom, equality, religion, belief, hope, trust, dreams, and knowledge. I am a self proclaimed "Queen of Cheap" featuring articles about how travel & do life on the che... View profile
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1 Comments
Post a CommentI lost my mum to cancer in 2004 (not something I was expecting to have to go through in my 20s) but some of the things my dad and I heard afterwards were just awful. Some of the most hurtful comments we heard were from distant relatives who showed up at the funeral. I didn't realise people could be so cruel to grieving survivors.
Sophie