What to Say to and Do for Those Who Are Caretakers for Seriously Ill Loved Ones

It is often difficult to know what to say to a terminally ill person and it is very hard to comfort a caregiver, especially if you're more of a Church or social club acquaintance. The caretaker Often exhausted and stressed, the caretaker of an ill loved one is thrown into the position of being a 24 hour a day nursemaid, cook, housecleaner, as well as all their regular responsibilities. Even if we personally have cared for an ill loved one, we may not understand what another person is going through. This article covers some ideas of what to say or do for a caregiver to help them when they need their friends. Even if you do not know the person very well, you might wish to offer assistance to someone such as an acquaintance that is a fellow member at your Church or social club.

At times of stress, people at times are more religiously inclined. You may not know the person very well, perhaps they are an acquaintance from Church, but you still would wish to help. Since what you essentially have in common is the same religion or a hobby, a sentiment from your common interest might be in order. This article contains several suggestions to assist, and for those religiously inclined, scriptural verses to encourage the caretaker or encourage others to help the caretaker are included when applicable. In terminal or very serious situations I have often not known what to write in a card or letter and have found several various Bible translations have very nice renderings of wording to express the sentiment I would wish to convey. If you are religious, you likely know sentiments expressing generally sympathy, but one applicable to the caregivers day-to-day concerns might be of use as well. Perhaps if you have the same problem, the Bible verses or general gist thereof could be included in a card or letter if you do not know what to write when you want to say something encouraging.

Even if your friend the caregiver is a professional health practitioner, they have not dealt with caring for a family member or loved one, which is a much more stressful and difficult. If the caregiver has no health care experience, they must suddenly learn how to care for another person, which is no small task. They are bound to not be able to do something or do something wrong. They cannot be all places at once, the ill person may fall or get hurt and the caregiver might feel it is their fault. It is important when speaking with a caregiver who is distressed over such feelings of inadequacy to stress to them that they are doing their best in very difficult circumstances and that even professional caretakers cannot handle every medical situation perfectly. Remind a religiously inclined individual aboutscriptures such as James 3:2 or Romans 3:23, that show we all say and do things we wish we hadn't. James 3:2 says: " We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check."

Caregivers need assurance over any guilt expressed over an incident they feel responsible for in the ill persons' care. Parents' cannot perfectly watch over a child every minute, bumps and falls happen, and the same is the case with caring for an ill one, you do not know what will change from day to day, what might have been viable one day, such as the ill person being able to bathe themselves, might not be the next, and that can lead to unexpected slip and falls, etc. Assure the caregiver that they cannot reasonably have forseen such events. Perhaps offer to help them preemptively fix up the ill persons' surroundings, it would be assuring if you offered a second pair of eyes for items that they might look right past in their home, such as are there electric cords that everyone knew to just step over, but might trip an ill person or their walker? Can a rug be placed on slippery flooring or nightlights in outlets for better illumination if the ill person loses their bearings? Is the bathroom floor slippery? What might assist a weaker, ill person to navigate about? A fresh pair of eyes might notice things that a resident would not notice.

Offer proactive help. Don't just say: "please let me know if there is anything I can do", offer something specific you would like to do for them. Don't just encourage the caretaker to take a break, help them do so. If you are unable to help care for the person, offer to be in the house while the caretaker takes a nap or a leisurely bubble bath, exercises, gets some housework done or just relaxes. Offer to stay with or near the ill one and to immediately get the caregiver if there is a need, otherwise you will let them sleep or attend to their duties. You can also offer to fold laundry, help clean up, pick up or drop off video rentals, pick up medications or run errands such as picking up their kids from school, or offer to cook a meal. Don't just ask once, call to offer help when you can, for example, if you are going grocery shopping, can you pick something up for them, like milk or bread, and save them a trip? Any of these efforts will save them time and are certainly likely to be appreciated. If you know the ill person or visit often, perhaps you can offer to read to them from a favorite book of theirs or even a newspaper. This gives the caretaker a break, gives the ill person some variety to their day and keeps their mind active. It is common for cognitive decline to happen when people are bed ridden day after day, reading to them or watching a movie together or something allows you to give the caretaker a break even if you have no special talent to offer.

Encourage them to allow others to help. It is important to share the load so that the caregiver does not wear out. They are already under tremendous physical, emotional and financial stress, it is likely they are not eating or sleeping well and likely do not have time for exercise, all of which make them more vulnerable to stress related illnesses at a time they need to be strong.

Offer to help them make a schedule to keep up with all the extra responsibilities. This will also help you see areas of need they have and perhaps help you or others offer assistance or a more regular basis.

If someone is religiously inclined, encourage them to keep up with their faith and religious activities as much as possible even though they are busy. Bible verses that might be encouraging to such a one include 1 Thessalonians 5:17 and James 4:8. Matthew 6:34 encourages taking one day at a time. If someone spends a great deal of time alone caring for the ill person, it might be helpful for them to pray more and to know that, if applicable, you are praying for them to have strength. Even those who are not religious generally appreciate the sentiment of others telling them they are praying for them in their behalf. Regardless of their faith, prayer or the assistance or warm wishes from fellow church members often helps caregivers cope.

Make yourself available to listen without offering your opinions on what should be done, unless you are asked. Sometimes a caregiver just needs to vent about something a practitioner or even the ill person said or did, you can be helpful just by listening. Few of us are trained in psychology or counseling and likely feel unequipped to help such a one. For those who do not know what to say but want to help, reading Proverbs 17:17 shows we all have something to offer in just giving a listening ear to someone who needs to talk. Despite being with the sick person all day, they likely cannot talk to them about all the stresses of the bills, the appointments and all the burdens they are facing, and what would seem like the most minor annoyance can come to grate them immensely. This is where a friend just listening to them can be very helpful.

Perhaps one of the most perplexing aspects of being a caretaker may be the unexpected behavior of the ill person. Where it would seem one should be appreciative and gracious for all the efforts in their behalf, instead at time the ill one is angry, disparaging, argumentative or just hostile, perhaps saying things that seem very cruel to the caretaker. The ill person is likely grieving their condition, at time altered by the illness or the medications, and possibly in pain. It is a rare person in such circumstances to remain balanced and attempt to be polite and gracious for needing help with embarrassing things like toileting or cleaning up after them. There is no winning any argument that might ensue from a reply to a callous remark, and often that leads to remorse on the part of the caregiver. Bible verses such as Ephesians 4:26 encourage handling the problem quickly, Proverbs 14:29 and 19:11 often help one remain calm, recognizing it is the stress of the situation making them feel so angry, not so much the individual incident or comment. Caretakers should know it is common for depression to affect families coping with illness, and it has been for centuries as seen in 1 Thessalonians 5:14.

You may not know the person well but would like to help. Try to get the word out to other members at the Church or social club that the caretaker has their hands full and you thought they would like to know. This expands the circle of people who might be able to help this person out, maybe sending a card from everyone or voluntarily collecting a basket of little items from several people - whether videos, a nice bubble bath to relax, a meditation or relaxing CD, a snack, etc., will really help to lift the caretakers' spirits. All attention has been focused on the ill person and the caretaker is practically invisible. We have learned to recognize the need to focus on expectant and post pardum mothers' needing pampering and attention on them, not just the baby. Likewise, a caretaker is also exhausted, their lives have changed dramatically, and they are likely focused solely on the care of another. But unlike the new mother, the caretaker is watching the potential end of a life, not the beginning of one. Any efforts, no matter how small, are certain to be appreciated in this time of need.