What is a Sex Surrogate?

Nowadays, a person can see a therapist for just about any kind of problem. There are a multitude of specialties designed to help people with whatever personal obstacle they face. In fact, there's even a special therapist available to help people get past sexual intimacy problems. Sex surrogates are not new. The field was introduced about 40 years ago by William Masters and Virginia E. Johnson, the research team that pioneered the exploration of human sexuality.

But even with my professional background in public health and social work, I never really gave much thought to the field of sexual surrogacy. It took a documentary made in 1985 entitled Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate to get me to think more about the subject. Incidentally, Private Practices was out of print until recently. I happened to find it on Netflix, where it was available for instant viewing. Through watching this film, I learned more about what sex surrogates do and what they don't do.

Private Practices, filmed in 1983, documents sex surrogate Maureen Sullivan's work with men who have sexual problems. The film follows two cases. There's 25 year old "Kipper" who is still a virgin and has intimacy problems and 45 year old "John", a divorced man who's only had two partners in his lifetime and suffers from premature ejaculation and self-esteem issues. Both men were referred to Sullivan through their original therapists. They visit Maureen Sullivan's home, where she helps them take baby steps toward being more comfortable being with women and their own sexuality.

At the beginning of the film, Sullivan invites Kipper to take her hand and stroke it. He seems a little nervous, but she encourages him kindly. Gradually, she coaxes him into touching other parts of her body. Likewise, she touches him, starting with non-threatening places such as his forehead. She progresses to inviting him to touch her arm. He nervously complies. She smiles at him and tells him she's glad he's not one of her 40 year old virgins... guys who have let half their lives go by without experiencing any kind of sexual intimacy.

Sullivan, who was seeing her own therapist, also brings up an issue that affects almost all therapists. When she's sitting with John during a session, he confesses that he's starting to have feelings for her. And Sullivan tells him that when she sees her own therapist, she imagines that she's their favorite client and that they have a "special relationship". But then Maureen gently issues a reality check when she tells John that he's just one of many clients. And while it's perfectly normal for him to have these feelings for his therapist, when the therapy is over, so is the relationship. John looks a little crushed, but handles it well.

As Sullivan works with these clients, the clients also so some work with people they are close to outside of therapy. Kipper brings in his brother, who shares a smoke break with and talks frankly and articulately about Kipper's lack of experience with women. John has dinner with his ex wife and asks her why their marriage of twenty plus years didn't work out. She offers some enlightening comments as to why they divorced as well as a couple of remarks about the way things were for women back in the 1960s.

Is sexual surrogacy really just a fancy name for prostitution?

When she was a sex surrogate, Sullivan had sex for money. Some people would say that puts her on a fine line toward prostitution. In fact, that's exactly what my husband said as he entered the room a third of the way through the film. But then he sat down to watch with me, listening as Maureen Sullivan explained her ground rules about intercourse. She told her clients that they either had to wear "rubbers," otherwise known as condoms, or they had to prove to her that they had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases. As she was explaining these rules, a voice-over explained that since the film was made, most sex surrogates had started insisted that all clients wear condoms whether they had been tested or not.

While sexual surrogates usually get intimate and sometimes do have intercourse for money, they do so in an attempt to correct a complex problem affecting how their client lives. Masters and Johnson argued that sex is an important part of life; indeed, it's a biological function not unlike functions performed by one's vital organs. The people who see sex surrogates, by and large, are people who have real problems with this important biological function. Intercourse may be physically painful for them or he or she may have problems accepting their body. The sex surrogate has training in counseling as well as extensive knowledge about anatomy. He or she is prepared to coach the client, helping them learn how to accept physical and sexual intimacy from other people. A sex surrogate also works with the client to develop a healthy, trust-based relationship that serves as the client's model for future relationships.

Sexual intercourse may be part of the treatment, or it may not. It all depends on the client's problem. At the very least, a session with a sex surrogate will include a lot of talking, touching, and perhaps some nudity. And yes, when there is sexual intercourse, sometimes the surrogate enjoys it. Conversely, sex surrogates also sometimes deal with clients they don't like as much. It occurred to me that it must take a special kind of person to do this kind of work. Sexual surrogates put themselves at risk of disease, unintended pregnancy, and perhaps even assault. On the other hand, they also help people with a significant problem that may seriously affect their quality of life.

Sex surrogates aren't just for men...

While there are undoubtedly more women practicing sexual surrogacy, there are also some men who do it as well. Both male and female sex surrogates are trained to help their clients through a step-by-step process that ultimately leads toward a healthier sex life. But though the therapeutic goal is to develop a healthy relationship, it is ultimately a professional relationship. Romantic feelings may be very natural, but they are not part of the therapeutic goal.

Are you interested in learning more about this?

Private Practices is currently available for rent from Netlfix.com. It can also be viewed instantly by those who have Netflix subscriptions. It's also available for purchase on Amazon.com or for viewing on Amazon's Video on Demand service.

Sources:

Dick, Kirby (Producer and Director). (1985). Private Practices: The Story of a Sex Surrogate. [Motion Picture]. United States: Zeitgeist Films.