What to Do When Something Breaks Around the House

If you are a person, and as a person you are not a homeless person, you probably live in a home. In that home of yours, you most likely have things, and occasionally those things might break. So, we have formulated a scientifically researched, step-by-step "what-to-do" list for when things break around you house.

1) Don't panic. Things break all of the time. Research suggests that somewhere on the Earth, at least one thing breaks every day. That means that in any given year, several things will break. So, rest assured that you are not alone in this.

2) Take a nap. The initial shock of the thing breaking will most likely have made you tired. You cannot move forward without rest. Also, you maybe hungry. If so, have a snack. A sandwich is a good suggestion, because they are tasty and fulfilling.

3) If no one else in the house has discovered that the thing is broken, do your best to forget that you found out that it is broken. Act as if nothing is wrong. There is a good chance you were mistaken. You might have accidentally ingested some powerful hallucinogenic drugs, and you may have been seeing things. Pretend as if nothing is wrong, and maybe nothing will be.

4) Avoid the room that the broken thing is in. You may have to adjust you life to avoid the broken thing. If it is in the garage, you may have to start parking on the street. If it is in the bathroom, you may have to start relieving yourself in the backyard like the dog does. If it is in the kitchen, you may have to start eating toilet paper - don't worry, it maybe not be the tastiest treat you will have, but it is chock full of nutrients and fiber.

5) Once the broken thing is discovered by someone other than you, pretend to be shocked and angered. The more the better - this will help cover up your actions in Step 3.

6) As a first attempt to fix the broken thing, stick some duct tape on it. Duct tape is manufactured by Native American medicine men with special magical knowledge of home repairs. It has many unpredictable qualities, all of which work toward making things that are broken become unbroken. Stick a piece of duct tape near the area where you thing the brake might have occurred. There is a 63% chance this will fix everything.

7) If the duct tape doesn't work, hit the thing. You can use your hand, but this might result in something else being broken - namely, your hand. You can use something heavy, like a wrench or hammer, but this may result in the break not being fixed, and a new break being made. Then you'll have to go all the way back to Step 1. We suggest using a rolled up newspaper or a spatula. These will most likely not cause any additional damage. Unfortunately, this will not be likely to fix your problem. But hitting things often relieves some stress. Don't you feel better now?

8) If you have reached this step, and the broken thing is not fixed, it is time to call someone. Get the phone book and look under the category that corresponds to your broken thing - if it is the car, look under "Cars," if it is your hand (from Step 7), look under "Doctors." When choosing someone to call, pick someone without an ad. Ads cost money, and money only comes from overcharging. The ones without ads charge the least.

9) Wait. Someone will be there soon to solve your problems. Sit back, relax, and have a nice beverage. You have worked hard today in order to fix the thing that is broken. You deserve some rest.