What is Your Store Clerk Really Thinking

A wise man once said 'Do not mistake endurance for hospitality.' To be blunt, just because you're not getting thrown out on your rear doesn't mean your host actually enjoys your presence. More people should remember this in regards to retail.

Don't be fooled. All of it - that cheery smile, that welcoming "Hi! How are you today?" and the pleased laughter at your clever quips - it's all part of the service, bought and paid for.

Store clerks are paid to be nice.

As a service to my fellow clerks, I feel it is my duty to enlighten you as to what we are really thinking as we wait on your every need. Therefore...

To the flirts: We do not care. We don't care how nice your car is, how many dogs you own, how much you love cats, how much money you make, or how lonely you feel. We are aware we have nice hair/eyes/skin/clothes/sense-of-humor/other, thank you, we don't need you to point it out. We certainly don't need you to quote old romantic ballads from the 60s/70s/80s to express your feelings for us, and leering at us while asking, "Hey, good lookin', whatcha got cookin'?" is not and never will be the key to a forever romance. To flirts who are ten or more years senior to the clerks you visit (read: harass), please just stop. We are not interested.

To the gossips: We will not tell you the sordid secrets that happen behind the scenes of the store. Yes, we have sordid secrets. No, we will never share. Why? Because you've already regaled us with the sordid tales of the neighbors, the local churches, your family, your significant other's family, the local school system, the local humane society, and any other tales you've collected over your career, and we have no desire to be added to the list. Either buy something, or go home, turn on Jerry Springer, and leave us alone.

To the parents: Control your spawn. We are not a babysitting service! The fact that your child is throwing a tantrum for all of our clientele to witness is not cute, it's annoying, and allowing them to handle the glassware/porcelain/china/crystal/other is not a way to teach them responsibility, merely a way to give your attending clerk an early stroke.

To the bargain hunters: If we are able, we will happily work with you on the price of your desired purchase; however, we are not a garage sale! Offering 50% (or less) on an item will not incline us to cater to your every whim. On the contrary, we will proceed to implement Annoying Customer Tactic #12: Smile, nod, and otherwise behave as though we have the IQ of a potato weevil. "I'm sorry, sir, but we can't call anyone about that price. Gosh darn if I haven't gone and forgotten their phone number!" If you absolutely insist on a discount, we will happily raise the price in order to accommodate you.

To the unbathed: It's called deodorant. We will buy some for you if you will promise to put it on before you visit us. If you enter a store and the clerk immediately says something along the lines of, "Nice breeze today!" and proceeds to prop open all available doors and windows, you might want to give this some thought. This goes double if it's January.

To the dog-owners: We are not a dog park. Don't get huffy with us if Fido is not allowed on the premises. We don't make the rules, we just have to enforce them. Also, if you feel so overwhelmingly drawn to explore our store anyway and lock Fido in the car in order to do so, don't spend your visit regaling us with the many ways that your furry baby is suffering and possibly dying in the hot, hot car. If you insist on lecturing us in such a manner, don't be surprised to find the ASPCA sniffing around your vehicle when you leave. Consider it our contribution to Fido's well-being, no thanks necessary.

To the perverts: The fact that we nod during your stories is not a sign of approval, merely a sign that we hope you will end said stories quickly and leave, and if you look deep, deep into our eyes when this happens, you might see what a soul screaming in agony looks like. If we were allowed to leave the cash register unattended, rest assured, we would flee to the office and lock ourselves in until you vacated the premises. Just because you keep it down to PG-13 whenever the manager is around does not mean that you are being tactful, and telling us of your sexual exploits in your younger years is not titillating, merely nauseating. Also, trying to sneak up behind us when we aren't looking is not 'cute,' it's creepy, and any physical contact not related to the phrase "Here's your change" will be considered grounds for a restraining order.

To the ranters: The fact that the government is screwing up the country, that society is disabling the children, that humanity is destroying the planet, that reality TV is ruining prime-time television, and that "the End Days are a-coming, repent, sinners, repent!" is, while interesting, inconsequential to the day-to-day running of our store. The fact that we smile, nod, and otherwise agree with your every word does not mean we approve - it means that we are aware that any disagreement will be taken as an invitation to further debate, and we are not interested. We have better things to do than listen to you foam at the mouth over how your wife left you, your son steals from you, your daughter doesn't respect you, the police are prejudiced against you, your mechanic cheats you, and your dog doesn't love you. The fact that we stare raptly at you while you speak is not a sign that we are listening - we are avoiding any sudden movements that might make you leap for our throats. People like you are the reason we carry mace with us to work.

As a favor to all those brave souls suffering a living in retail, please keep these in mind the next time you visit one of our fine establishments. It will make life easier for all of us.

Sincerely,
YOUR CLERICAL STAFF