What to Do with the Stupid People Problem

As population rates continue to grow exponentially, clustering us humans into ever smaller apartment buildings, next to even more loud neighbors with poorly-chosen music rattling the walls, the human species has come to a crossroads. Either we allow the world to expend all of our natural resources by overpopulating, or we act and save the globe. I say we act; we should eliminate the stupid people to create room for the rest of us.

Barely evolved from early Neanderthals, the stupid people are an incorrigible breed of moronic organisms that should have been eliminated by Darwin's natural selection long ago. Unfortunately, with the advent of alcohol fermentation on early civilization, the duffaces were able to evade the process of nocturnal selection (in which mates are chosen for short-lived, irresponsible, and sloppy drunken breeding) and proliferate. Like father, like son, the low-IQ children grow into fully developed idiots, ignoramuses, and Iranian leaders, multiplying the already vast populace of stupid.

We will not dwell long on identifying a stupid person, because the tell-tale signs are an overt indication to even the novice stupid-watcher. First, look for syntactically imperfect sentences that contain asinine logic. For instance, you might hear one of the dumb say I don't need no education. See? In just that sentence they've used a double negative, and have failed to realize that a college education is another opportunity for intoxicated intercourse, which seems to be the goal of stupid people, or at least their tactic for survival. Other flagrant indicators include: attempting to use an exit-only door as an entrance and then pondering why the door won't open; asking a crying person if anything is wrong; or most importantly, engaging in acts with no practical purpose while wearing ridiculous camouflage get-ups, like hunting and fishing.

The varieties of stupid people are many, from bimbos to rednecks to the just-plain-goofy, the solution to the problem they pose is simple: we need to get rid of them. Swift's Modest Proposal may do nicely in this regard. Instead of infants (why infants?), we should instead eat the thick-headed amongst us, utilizing their high protein and nutrients to ensure a balanced diet with a steady source.

Or, we could entertain ourselves with the rapid demise of all of the dimly-lit craniums around us. Perhaps the Romans provided the best example when they created the coliseum. Why not train the half-wits to engage in violent conflict for our entertainment--or as I like to say, just for funsies?

Actually, the best option may be to apply our fully-realized rationale and mental capability to solve two problems at once. Since we seem to have both an overpopulation crisis and an energy dilemma, why not solve both at one time? Much like a hamster wheel, the unintelligent should be tapped to run on turbines in order to generate power to keep the rest of us warm and our iPods charged. If only every problem could be so simple; why, stupid people are more useful with a bit of pondering than I initially thought!