What Your Teen Daughter Should Know About Dating

When you brought your tiny bundle of pink joy home from the hospital, you weren't looking into the future some 5500 days to the time she would be 15 and interested in BOYS. But that time arrives, and you need to be prepared to teach your daughter the kinds of boys needs to RUN from, the kinds of behavior that signal T-R-O-U-B-L-E, and ways in which she should NOT allow herself to be treated.

But first, YOU must learn these things.

Guys to Avoid Dating:

Controllers: There are signs of control that may seem subtle and endearing, and even you may be fooled by them, so there's no doubt your daughter's swoon will blind her to them. If a young man wants to know where she is every minute of every day (he says it's because he loves her so much), he's trouble. If he gives her a pager or cell phone so he can keep constant vigil on her whereabouts, he is trouble. If he picks out her clothing and tells her what to wear or who she can befriend, he is trouble. If he works toward alienating her from her friends or family, if he expects her not to associate with friends he doesn't like, if he doesn't want to be in crowds and constantly wants to be alone with your daughter, he is TROUBLE.

Manipulators: She wants to go to the mall, he wants to go to the game. And instead of a little give-and-take compromise, he POUTS or gripes or argues until she gives in. He yells at her, hangs the phone up in her face, and won't answer when she calls him back (and which you, as her parent, should have taught her is NOT done when someone disrespects her by hanging up in her face). If he uses this type of disrespect and manipulation to gets his way, he's trouble, and any long-term relationship will find her on the painful end of his abuse.

Punishers: He "catches" her talking with someone he doesn't like, or sitting beside someone on the bus that he doesn't like, or he perceives some little slight that he thinks is punishable behavior, and so he... pushes her, hits her, kicks her, pulls her hair. He may not be brazen enough to do these things outright, he may even do these in "play." The bottom line here is this: if some young man thinks he has the right to punish your daughter for absolutely ANYthing at all, he is trouble and you must figure out a way to end that relationship.

Addicts: This is one that may be a bit difficult to see because no one is going to tell you he's an addict. You may need to look at his family life, and listen for hints about the kinds of entertainment he seeks for himself and your child. Is it always drinking and partying? "Hanging" with no plan in mind? Does he ever look dull and too lethargic for the occasion? Does he smell like pot or alcohol? If so, don't discount the scents and appearances. Don't accuse, either. But wait and watch. Do your best to keep your child from getting into the car with him until you KNOW he's a responsible, non-drinking driver. This may well save your child's life. (I lost more than 20 friends in car accidents, many of them were simply riding with someone who was drinking or making bad driving decisions (like drag racing).)

Losers: If he has no sense of confidence, if he has no ambition, no family life, no interest or participation in school activities or academics, he's a loser and should be dumped. If he constantly borrows money from her, always has a pitiful story, and is needier than a starved animal, he will drain the very life from her and should be left far, far behind.

The Selfish: These may be really hard to spot because each of us has a little of the "me" concept, so you'll have to really LOOK for this one. If he is only interested in his own pursuits and interests, doesn't ask or care what's going on with your daughter but talks incessantly about himself and his interests, he's a legend in his own mind, and her needs will always take a backseat.

The Psychopath: This is the worst of all---and the hardest to spot, because most of the time everything seems alright. But you may have a nagging feeling that something's wrong, something doesn't add up, there's just some little something that concerns you about him. Perhaps he smiles too big and too easily, laughs too loud, is just a little too polite or helpful. Something... just something you can't quite put your finger on, but that something keeps you from feeling comfortable for your daughter to be alone in his presence. This feeling is your gut intuition, and you should listen to it. Your daughter won't understand gut intuition, so don't even bother to explain it to her, but you should do whatever you need to do in order to discourage the relationship. And if you need more guidance about following your gut instincts, read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker.

So this is a start. And while you can't warn your children about every single pitfall that might come along, you can provide them with an open line of communication. You can explain that they won't be punished for calling you to pick them up rather than get in a car with a driver who is drinking. You can assure them that if EVER they feel uncomfortable in a situation-whatever that situation may be-they should immediately CALL you because you are, after all, their number one fan and best line of defense.

And know one thing: they do grow up.