What the Tiger Mother Got Right

Before it even hit bookstore shelves, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua was lighting up the internet with talk about its provocative content. Parents were outraged that a woman would make such bold claims that her style of harsh, Chinese parenting was the only way to success, and that we "Western parents" had it all wrong.

Instead of joining in, I decided to read the book for myself. My guess was that some of the hoopla was borne out of hyperbole and a desire to have written a bestseller (which she achieved). I was also intrigued by a woman who would put herself and her family in the public eye under a decidedly unfavorable light. And while I found myself disagreeing with much of what I read, making notes in the margins and talking aloud to the pages before me, some of what Chua said actually made sense.

My initial reaction after reading Chua's Tiger Mother was that it was an extreme form of Chinese parenting initiated by a classic type-A overachiever. Her bold claims that she spent hours with her daughters every day and night practicing piano and violin, doing homework, learning Hebrew and Chinese, all while being an author and Yale Law professor are, in my estimation, a work of fiction. If you add up all of the hours she says she spent with each girl, no one in that house would have ever slept.

I have no doubts that she was harsh (she writes that she actually called her daughter "garbage"), but the more she told her story, the less I thought of her as a Chinese parent. While she goes on and on for chapters about never letting up on her daughters and forcing them to constantly study and practice, she also mentions lavish birthday parties, a grandiose reception after a Carnegie Hall performance to rival most wedding celebrations, a large house in an expensive neighborhood, private lessons for any activity deemed important, tutors, and even several rare and very expensive violins just to help her daughter play better. This sounded more like the over-indulgent "Western" parents she laments in her book, yet she seems to think that because she was strict, that makes up for her lack of restraint in material possessions.

Despite my realization that were I to meet this woman in real life we would never be friends, I found myself nodding in agreement to one basic tenet in her book: when you have higher dreams for your children, you have "higher regard for [them] in the sense of knowing how much they can take" (Chua 8). This resonated with me, as I have seen it not only in the classes I used to teach, but also with my own four children. While I believe in using praise and positive reinforcement, I have found that if I hold back and let them struggle a bit in a given task, that hard work produces greater results. Not only do they rise to the occasion, they are proud of themselves when I let them go at it alone without jumping in. It's a fine line in parenting, but one that I would agree with Chua "Western" parents don't practice well.

However, it is after that brief meeting of the minds that Chua and I part ways. For I also know that pushing children too hard, shaming them, and forcing them to do things that aren't important (like learning a specific musical instrument because you think it's a good idea) will have the opposite effect in the end. Children need love and certainly plenty of guidance from their parents. After reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I believe that Chua was trying to provide both, but missed the joys of parenting in the process. By being so focused on being "right," she seemed to miss out on learning who her daughters really are, instead of who Chua thought they should be.

My hope is that those who read Tiger Mother come away with a greater appreciation for their own children and a realization that maybe they're not doing such a poor job after all.