What to Do when Time Outs Don't Work

Time out is a well-known discipline technique used by parents and childcare professionals alike. Typically, a child is placed in a chair, minutes are set on a timer (usually the age of the child) and the child is then released when the timer rings. Sometimes parents find that these time outs do little to change their children's behavior. Without any alternatives, they can be left feeling frustrated and ineffective. However, many of the problems with time out can be solved if we define what a time out really is (and isn't), identify the behaviors and circumstances that warrant a time out, and understand how it should be used.

What time out is and isn't. First of all, time out is NOT, in and of itself, a behavior modification strategy. It cannot change behavior as a stand-alone intervention and should not be used in this fashion. Placing your misbehaving child in a chair to listen to a timer tick is not a consequence that will have any meaning for him. Time out is best used in conjunction with other parenting techniques (described below). Time out is beneficial, however, in that it "breaks into" a child's episode of misbehavior, gives him pause to think, establishes your authority and allows the parent time to formulate a consequence for the behavior.

When to use time out. If your child is demonstrating poor self-control, a time out is always the appropriate response. Physical relocation can be effective in stopping her unwanted behavior and being alone can help reset her feelings about the situation. Time out is also a good intervention if your child is being disrespectful or rude in some way. Anytime you need space to think about how to address a behavior, employ a time out. This will provide you with time to formulate a response or consult with your partner if necessary. Don't assume that every behavior warrants a time out, however. If your child throws a ball in the living room and this is a breach of a well-known rule, a time out may be unnecessary. Simply remove the ball, place it out of reach and tell her that she can have it again tomorrow. In essence, you are giving the toy a time out. However, if your child finds other things to throw or speaks disrespectfully in return, a time out is in order.

How to use time out. All time outs need to be to be followed by four things: 1) a discussion of the rule that was broken, 2) an admission of guilt (by the child), 3) a swift and logical consequence, and 4) a demonstration of love (by the parent). If your child was disrespectful, require a note of apology. If your child broke something in a fit of rage, seek payment through the completion of chores. If your child hit his sister, he can apologize and then make amends by cleaning her room. Without these four subsequent steps, you miss the opportunity to teach your children (through words and deeds) the valuable lesson that their actions have consequences for which they are responsible.

But my child won't stay put! Many parents complain that their children won't stay and they end up physically returning them to the time out spot. While you could take the "Super Nanny" approach (physically placing your child in the time out spot over and over again for upwards of an hour), you could take a kinder, gentler approach that allows your child to choose obedience rather than being forced into it. Simply place your child in time out and tell him that his time out begins when he is seated quietly with his feet on the floor. You can even add, "You can let me know when you are ready." Keep in mind that this may also take upwards of an hour but you have removed the power struggle from the picture. If your child wanders around the house, ignore him. His day has stopped - it has literally "timed out." Nothing happens until his time out is completed. No snack. No story time. Nothing. However, keep an inconspicuous eye on him. If you see him playing with anything, remove it from him and repeat, "When you are ready to start your time out, say, "Mommy, I am ready to start my time out." Most of the time, he will linger in the vicinity of the time out area, refusing to sit. If you are successful at ignoring him, he will eventually. Once he does, follow the time out with the steps outlined above. You can add an observation like, "That took a long time." Avoid lecturing about what he did wrong and how much easier it would have been if he sat like he was asked at the beginning. Your goal was to let experience be the teacher. There is nothing you need to add.

So if you are having trouble with time outs, don't abandon the technique altogether. Try enhancing it with these suggestions to create a discipline approach that will reform and restore your children's behavior.