What TLC's What Not to Wear Can Teach You

I want to be on this show. I want to be on this show. I want the $5000 spending spree in New York City. I love Stacey and Clinton. I want to find out if Clinton is gay or not. I want to talk back to Stacey. And I want to meet the guy who cuts your hair (I can't remember his name right now-but I don't think he's gay) and I want to sit down with what's-her-name-the pretty woman who does your makeup.

I will be the Hillary Clinton of fashion: I will say and do anything to get on this show. I already begged people to nominate me. Some say they have-just to shut me up. But I am optimistic; I keep hoping that Stacey and Clinton will show up with their film crew when I least expect them: like my birthday (no), Mother's Day (no), my daughter's graduation from college coming up (could happen). The problem is that now I'm always expecting them.

Friends and family say I don't dress badly enough to be on the show. But that doesn't bother me. If I knew the show's crew was secretly filming me and going through my closet, I'd wear anything that looked bad. I would totally Hilliarize my wardrobe (even start wearing those pantsuits).

Chances are that I won't get on the show. But even so, I've learned a lot from watching it. So here are some of the things you can learn from What Not to Wear.

1. Expensive clothes that you get for free make you happy. I think the point the show is really trying to make is that you should shop for quality and not quantity. Buy a few really good items rather than a lot of cheap ones.

2. The right clothes can make you look smaller. Seriously, I think the tip about wearing short jackets making a woman's hips look smaller is really true. And I've tried this myself and it works. This is one tip that Hillary should abide by. (Yes, if Obama loses, I will vote for her. I'm not that nuts.)

3. You can walk with three-inch spiked heels for about ten minutes. And they do make your legs look longer. Forget the foot surgery for now.

4. Hair stylists like to cut your hair...short. Wait...his name is Nick. Yes, the hair stylist--who I think is straight-is named Nick and he likes to cut long, straight hair very short. And most women over the age of five do look better in short, stylish hair. Nick always likes a hug after he cuts your hair. I want to hug Nick.

5. There are people who do look worse than you do. I think that's why this show is such a hit, from what I understand, among middle-aged women. It's a joy to watch women who look terrible before the show get the whole makeover--and look terrible after. That's the best part.

Oh, the name of the make-up woman is Carmandie. Am I right? Yes, I love Carmandie! (She should wear a bra, though.)

If you have a minute, would you mind going to this website WhatNotToWear@bbcnyproduction.com and putting in a bad word for me?