"What Took so Long?"

If there was one thing I wish the feminist movement would address, it would be the great disparity in our facilities. It's funny how men wonder we travel to the restroom in herds? We need the support! Men can walk into the bathroom and get in and out with ease. Urinals are like the express lane in a grocery store. You know it's not going to take long, so even if the line is a few deep, you're going to get through faster than at the regular check out lanes. Plus, there are usually several urinals plus a stall or two at their disposal. Men can get in and get out in no time. So, gentlemen, let me answer that all too famous question, "What took you so long?"

First of all, there is always a line. It may just be one or two people deep, but it doesn't matter. With the circus that takes place inside a women's restroom, a one or two person line is a scary thought for the women needing to go. You don't particularly want to make conversation with strangers while they attend to nature's call, so your friend, sister, mom, whoever, provide a conversational distraction to keep your mind off of your bodily urges.

So you finally make it into a stall. This compact room, about the size of a small hall closet, requires a contortionist's talent to get situated. You remove your coat and place it on the hook on the back of the door. Oh wait, that rusty non-painted spot on the wall looks like there used to be a hook there, alas, no more. You resort to throwing your coat over the door and do the "hurry-gotta go" shuffle back facing the toilet. You throw your purse strap over the corner of the door. You then reach into the sanitary toilet seat cover bin on the wall. Curses, they're all gone. So now you proceed to doing what I like to call, "Potty-Pilates." In order to properly execute this technique, you must position yourself over the toilet and hold a squatting position with out bracing yourself on any surrounding apparatus. Yes, you will feel the burn in your thighs. It will hurt. But that's how you know it's working.

It's at about this time that the person in the stall next to you has finished this charade. As they exit their stall, the whole structure of walls shift and your door goes waving open. Hello, world! This is my best Potty-Pilates stance. What do you think? You attempt to lean forward to push the door closed, midstream, and remember that aim at this point may be more important than privacy. Quickly, the companion that accompanied you to the "rest" room grabs the door and saves you from any Potty-Pilates scrutiny. Nice tag-team effort. Well done. You reach for the toilet paper only to notice that there is only one square left. One thin, sacred square. Now, this isn't just any square. This is the one from which the toilet paper manufacturing companies derive great humor. There are three strategically placed strips of glue on this single square that hold the toilet paper to the roll. It takes an extreme amount of focus to remove this single, solitary square for its purpose. One wrong move and you're left with Plan B: Air-dry. And please, Plan B is an unpleasant thing for everyone.

As you remove this piece of paper, remember, you're still perfecting Potty-Pilates. You've got it started. Half-pulled. Almost done... Stalls shift, door flies open, the toilet paper rips. Rest in piece little square. Thank God you brought your friend. She hands you a paper towel. Charmin doesn't make restroom paper towels. You finish your three ring circus in the stall and you exit with newly ripped quadriceps. You then move over to the sink. Unfortunately, this particular restroom has the faucet that works by pushing down the hot or cold "handle" and you get a timed amount of water. Why is it that the time duration has to be 2 seconds long? It's like a race. Push, rinse, push, rinse, push, rinse. You squeeze the last 2 drops of soap out of the dispenser. Push, rinse, push, rinse. Paper towels, paper towels? You ask your companion where she got you the back up toilet paper. She informs you that you used the last paper towel to avoid the air-dry. Ok, so now you must air-dry your hands. Not as bad, but still undesirable.

So, after going through the obstacle course that is a women's restroom, you walk out to meet your male friends. "What took you so long?" Now you know.