What a Week it Was... (01-18-08 Edition)

By Troy Sympson

The following is a recap of some of the events of the week that I found to be interesting, humorous and/or disgusting. Please note that I do this with several hints of humor, satire and farce, so please don't take any of my comments too seriously. Most, if not all, of these stories were reported by the Associated Press (www.ap.org), Reuters (www.reuters.com) or some other credible news source.

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A payday for everyone?

President Bush and congressional leaders are looking to release a short-term growth package that will give tax rebates to American individuals and families, along with aid targeted to the poor and unemployed. Economists said a reasonable range for tax cuts in the new package might be $500 to $1,000. A White House plan is looking at rebates of up to $800 for individuals and $1,600 for married couples.

I can certainly use the money and will gladly accept a nice tax rebate, but this seems to be a case of too little, too late. Perhaps we should have been focusing on some other things besides the war these past 8 years, huh?

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Brain surgery lets woman listen to music

Now that surgeons have operated on Stacey Gayle's brain, her favorite musician no longer makes her ill. Four years after being diagnosed with epilepsy, Gayle recently underwent brain surgery at Long Island Jewish Medical Center to cure a rare condition known as musicogenic epilepsy, which caused Gayle to suffer multiple grand mal seizures every day, despite being treated with medications designed to control them. Eighteen months ago, she began to suspect that music by reggae and hip-hop artist Sean Paul was triggering some of her seizures. Her suspicions were confirmed on a visit to the Long Island medical center last February, when she played Paul's hit "Temperature" on her iPod for doctors. Soon after, she suffered three seizures.

Unfortunately, the rest of us still have to suffer because of Sean Paul's music...

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Directors Guild, studios reach contract deal

The Hollywood directors' union reached a contract deal with major film and TV studios in a move likely to renew momentum for settling a 10-week-old writers strike. The studios' tentative three-year labor pact with the Directors Guild of America (DGA) includes provisions to pay union members more for work distributed over the Internet, which is a key sticking point in stalled contract talks with the writers. Leaders of the Writers Guild of America (WGA) said they needed to analyze terms of the DGA agreement before deciding whether they could serve as a template for their own settlement.

Good news that will hopefully lead to more good news. As I've stated before, just pay the writers already! They deserve it more than anyone. Besides that, I need my television shows back! I can't take any more reality sh-t...

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Cowboys choke again; T.O. weeps

After the Dallas Cowboys' 21-17 playoff loss to the New York Giants, jerk-off wide receiver Terrell Owens (T.O.) gave a teary, blubbering speech in defense of quarterback Tony Romo, who was criticized for spending the previous week's bye weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson and a couple of teammates. Part of Owens' insipid rant: "This is not about Tony. You guys can point the finger at him, you can talk about the vacation, and if you do that, it's really unfair. It's really unfair. That's my teammate. That's my quarterback. You guys do that, it's not fair. We lost as a team. We lost as a team, man."

Oh, boo hoo! Cry me a river, T.O.! Isn't this the same guy who blasted Donovan McNabb for "getting tired" in the Super Bowl, when he was just playing his heart out? But, Tony Romo can go on vacation before a huge payoff game and that's no big deal? Didn't the Eagles lose that Super Bowl (to a New England team that was much better than this year's Giants team, by the way) as a team? F.U., T.O.!

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More trouble for Pacman?

Early in the week, Wanda S. Jackson sought an arrest warrant against suspended Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones, claiming he punched her at an Atlanta strip club. She withdrew her petition to have him arrested a day later. Jackson said in her filing that she was in the office of the Body Tap Strip Club when an angry Jones accused managers of stealing his money and bracelet. "Veronica Jones, an owner, went into the hall to deal with a member of his entourage," said Jackson. "I followed to gawk. He was in the hall, surprisingly reached over or around a security guard and sucker punched me in my left eye."

Since the arrest warrant was withdrawn so quickly, this case doesn't seem to have much merit. Nevertheless, what sticks out to me is the "I followed to gawk" statement. Not that I'd ever condone hitting a woman, but you stick your nose where it doesn't belong, and bad things happen. Just saying...

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More steroid allegations

A number of entertainers were named in connection with an Albany-based steroid investigation, but are not part of an ongoing criminal probe, according to a published report. The Times Union of Albany cited unnamed sources in a report that R&B music star Mary J. Blige, rap musicians 50 Cent, Timbaland and Wyclef Jean, and author and producer Tyler Perry may have received or used performance enhancing drugs.

What? Why in the hell do these people need steroids? I know we're living in very superficial times, and much of the music industry is all image and no substance, but come on! Some of music's finest entertainers are, or were, fat, ugly and/or less-than-desirable in some way. It's the music that matters! I won't comment on Perry, however, until someone explains who the hell he is and what his appeal is.

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Kevin Federline: Our problems make people feel normal

Kevin Federline told Interview magazine that his struggles with ex-wife Britney Spears are nothing unique. "Even though everything is so publicized and everybody is looking at it, it's normal for us," he says. "I think the infatuation with the whole thing is that watching us go through things makes other people feel normal."

First off, if the only interview Interview magazine can get is with Federline, what does that say about the depths of interviews in Interview magazine? Second, your problems don't make people feel normal, Kevin, they make people feel better about themselves. Providing they're not bigger pieces of trash than you and Britney are. And, that's highly unlikely.

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While we're on the subject...

Britney Spears stunned the sales staff at a Betsey Johnson store in Sherman Oaks, Calif., when she walked out of a fitting room completely naked. A store staffer said she tired to cover Spears up, but the good-for-nothing guttersnipe screamed, "Get away from me! Don't you fucking come near me!" The walking train wreck then went back into the fitting room with her paparazzi-stalker turned boyfriend Adnan Ghalib for more than 30 minutes. Witnesses allege they were "making weird noises." Once they emerged, store staffers said Spears was slurring, spitting and talking with a British accent, and that her face was covered with cold sores and acne, and her scalp was patchy.

Yikes. I have zero sympathy for Britney, but someone please get this girl some help. And not her f-cked up parents (who should be blamed for some of her behavior) or Dr. Phil. Real help.

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Diane Keaton swears on TV, FCC stammers

The nation's top TV regulator said it would be difficult for the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to take action against ABC stations that aired "Good Morning America" when actress Diane Keaton used the f-word. Last year's court decision that threw out the FCC's policy on "fleeting references" complicates any action the commission might want to take against the stations or the network, according to FCC chairman Kevin Martin.

Well, I think that's just f-cking great! F-ck the FCC!

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No son of mine won't root for Green Bay!

In Portage, Wis., a too-intense-for-his-own-good Green Bay Packers fan is in hot water for forcing his 7-year-old son to root for the Packers. Upset that his son wouldn't wear a Packers jersey during the team's playoff victory over the Seattle Seahawks, Mathew Kowald restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him. The 36-year-old Kowald was arrested after his wife told authorities about the incident. He later pleaded no contest, paid a fine of $186 and was released. Kowald's wife has filed a restraining order, so Kowald will not be able to have contact with his family. Kowald said the incident started as a joke. His son challenged him by saying he wouldn't root for the Packers. When he tied the boy up, the youngster was laughing while his wife took pictures, he said.

I get worked up over my teams, as well, but this is just ridiculous. What's going to happen when this kid's a teenager and he really starts to defy his father? Maybe that restraining order has merit...

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Nobody loves a clown

A poll of children, conducted by researchers from the University of Sheffield who were examining how to improve the decor of hospital children's wards, found that children don't like clowns. The study, reported in Nursing Standard magazine, said all 250 patients (ages 4-16) that were quizzed disliked the use of clowns, with even the older ones finding them scary. "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children," said Penny Curtis, a senior lecturer in research at the university. "Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."

Thank you! I've been saying for years how creepy and disturbing clowns are. It's nice to have some solid research to back me up.

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Maybe I'll just have a salad...

Meat and milk from cloned cows, pigs and goats are just as safe as food from conventionally bred animals, according to a report from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. After six years of intensive research on whether meat, muscle tissue and milk from cloned animals are fit for human consumption, the FDA says they "are as safe as food we eat every day." The stamp of approval from the FDA removes the last regulatory hurdle to mass marketing cloned meat and milk products. Still, it remains unlikely they'll hit supermarket shelves anytime soon. Public distrust and the high cost of cloning animals for food production will likely keep them out of stores for the next few years.

I'm all for science, but I'm not too sure about eating cloned meat. Clone away and use the clones for good, but don't put them on my plate. Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby.

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Further proof of Cruise's insanity

A video clip of Tom Cruise at a private Scientology event more than three years ago has hit the Web, showing the douche bag praising what he calls the "privilege" of being a Scientologist. "A Scientologist," says Cruise in the video, "has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. You look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them."

Help them how? By brainwashing them into a religious cult invented by a science fiction writer? No thanks. Now, if George Lucas starts a Star Wars religion...

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Wham-O cofounder passes away

Arthur "Spud" Melin, co-founder of the Wham-O toy company, which introduced the world to the Frisbee, Hula Hoop, Super Ball and the Slip 'N Slide, has died. He was 77 and had Alzheimer's disease.

A sad day, indeed. It also goes to show you that they just don't make toys like they used to. Toys that forced you to be active and creative. Not like today's crappy toys like Bratz and Yu-Gi-Oh cards.

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Now it has gone too far...

Golfweek magazine apologized for putting a noose on the cover of its magazine to illustrate the controversy over a Golf Channel anchor's use of "lynch" in a comment about Tiger Woods. The editor responsible for the cover was replaced.

Seemingly, the racism surrounding the issue was cleared up and we were moving on. Now a magazine puts a noose on their cover. Seriously, most things aren't big deals until the media blows them up.

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Finally, in "Who gives a sh-t?" news...

Spice Girls attend Cavalli show in Milan

Sex talk takes over the view, Barbara blushes

Oprah Winfrey getting her own TV network

Paris Hilton is heading to Harvard

Matthew McConaughey going to be a dad

Zac Efron has appendix removed

Lindsay Lohan hits the black carpet for 'Cloverfield' premiere

Eddie Murphy and new wife split after two weeks

Ashley Tisdale doesn't regret nose job

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Until next week...

TS