What a Week it Was... (11-16 Edition)

In this weekly column, I recap some of the events of the week that I found to be interesting, humorous and/or disgusting. Please note that I do this with several hints of humor, satire and farce, so please don't take any of my comments too seriously. These stories were reported by the Associated Press (www.ap.org) or Reuters (www.reuters.com), unless otherwise noted.

If you like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and spread the love. If you don't like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and take turns pointing out how lame I am.

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Dolphins pay celebrities to attend games

The Palm Beach Post reported that the NFL's Miami Dolphins (currently 0-9 on the year) have been paying celebrities to attend their games, in a lame attempt to drum up interest for their lackluster football team.

The team offers celebrities first-class flights, rooms at five-star resorts, meals and Dolphins gear in return for the stars' mere presences. All that's asked is that the celebs look good and smile when shown on the in-stadium screens. The team hired local NFL Alumni Association PR Director Doris Porter to spearhead the initiative.

The shameless stunt did manage to wrangle Oscar-nominated actor Terrence Howard. The eternally shirtless Matthew McConaughey was supposed to attend a game, but he wanted a private jet, so he was turned away. Former nobody-turned-mogul-turned-cultural afterthought Diddy also said he'd attend, but he ended up being a no-show. Notables expected to attend in the future include Britain's worst import since Solomon Adler (or James Blunt, depending on your frame of reference), soccer star David Beckham; former tennis player/model Anna "Why the Hell Should I Play Tennis When I Can Make Millions of Dollars by Just Being Hot?" Kournikova; and star of the MTV show "The Hills," Lauren "Who-the-Hell-Is-She-and-Why-Should-I-Care?" Conrad.

Porter lobbied to bring in Britney Spears (the train-wreck poster child), Kevin Federline (the white-trash poster child) and Lindsay Lohan (the wasted-talent poster child), but was thankfully and understandably overruled by Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga.

Still, despite hit-and-miss results, Porter feels the program, which can cost the team over five figures per appearance, is worthwhile. "When you think the Dolphins invested $300 million into the stadium, that's a nominal amount of money to entice people to come," Porter said.

Granted, tens of thousands of dollars here and there is nominal compared to $300 million. But, maybe, just maybe, that money could've been used for - oh, I don't know - better players? Or better yet, give all that free food and Dolphins garb to the poor fans that stand by the team through thick and thin. As they say, you can't shine shit. All the celebrities in the world can't make a true football fan want to sit through a punchless, winless, debacle of a season...

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Virginia drivers most vain

A state-by-state survey that measured the popularity of those occasionally amusing, usually annoying vanity license plates found that vehicle owners in Virginia are the vainest of them all. Out of the 9.3 million (!!!) personalized plates on the roads of America, about one in 10 are in Virginia, according to rankings provided to the AP by the American Association of Motor Vehicle Administrators. That's 16 percent of all the plates issued by Virginia. Illinois had about 13.4 percent, which amounted to nearly 1.3 million plates, the most of any state. Surprisingly, the cocky "everything's bigger and better here" attitude of Texas produced the fewest vanity plates, with only about a half percent of drivers having them. In Virginia, it only costs $10 to personalize your plate, but, in Illinois, it costs $78 per year.

What does all this mean? Well...cheap douche bags live in Virginia, trendy douche bags live in Illinois, and Texans just use big hats and big stupid belt buckles to highlight their douchebaggery (doucheyness?)...

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Norman Mailer dies at age 84

American novelist, journalist, playwright, screenwriter, film director and Pulitzer Prize winner Norman Mailer passed away at the age of 84, due to acute renal failure following several weeks of respiratory problems. Always outspoken and eternally fascinating, Mailer boasted a life full of accomplishments. Some highlights: he wrote 31 books, ran for mayor of New York, co-founded the Village Voice, and famously beat up Rip Torn on the set of his 1970 movie Maidstone.

Rest In Peace...

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F. the FCC!

U.S. cable television operators are opposing a Federal Communications Commission (FCC) proposal that could lead to tougher oversight of the industry. FCC Chairman Kevin Martin (a smarmy little worm of a man) is proposing that the agency has the authority to impose stricter regulations over the industry based on a 1984 law that gives FCC more clout if cable subscription exceeds 70 percent of the households where service is available. Martin (who I assume has never been laid and thus has a lot of pent-up frustration) has criticized the cable TV industry over steeply increasing rates, programming that some viewers find offensive and its reluctance to let customers choose individual channels on an ala carte basis.

While I agree that cable rates are out of hand, and that being able to choose what channels you want is a great idea, I've had enough of the FCC's so-called "war on indecency." As Cedric the Entertainer would say, "I'm a grown-ass man." I want to watch whatever the f-ck I want to watch. I'm an adult. I can handle violence, raciness, edginess, nudity and swearing. I don't need bullshit, narrow-minded groups like the FCC, the NCC (National Council of Churches) and the PTC (Parents Television Council) telling me what's indecent. But, what about the children, you ask? Well, I guess it's up to their parents to regulate what their kids are watching, and to teach them what's right and wrong. Every cable box has parental controls and V-chips, so parents can block questionable material. Parents, do a better job of raising your kids, and leave the rest of us alone to watch, listen to and read whatever media entertains us. It's called the First Amendment, b-tches. It's called America, mother f-ckers...

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Television keeps getting dumber

E! Entertainment Television has picked up a second season of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," a reality series about Kim Kardashian, a disgrace who's famous for being a rich bitch that made a sex tape.

Shudder. Hey, FCC, you want to do something worthwhile? Censor this crap...

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Hilton tries to help drunken elephants

The epitome of everything that's wrong in this country these days, Paris Hilton, is trying to improve her empty-headed, party-girl image by highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India. Apparently, the pachyderms have been getting drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and going on rampages. "The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them," said Hilton.

There's so much to say about this, my head hurts. Anyone else think it's funny that Paris Hilton is critiquing anything for getting drunk? Someone needs to stop making alcohol available to you, princess. And, while I'm sure this is an important problem for the Indian farmers, this is how Paris is going to become a world ambassador? Is she really going to do anything about this? Will she donate money? Visit these regions that are infested with drunken elephants? Help build fences or elephant-proof beer containers? No, she'll just pick up on random causes, do her best Angelina Jolie impersonation, make some stupid comments and continue wandering through life in a clueless, worthless manner...

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Boy George charged with false imprisonment

Police charged pop singer Boy George with false imprisonment after he allegedly chained a 28-year-old man to a wall at his London home. The 47-year-old former Culture Club frontman was arrested in May after a man accused him of "false imprisonment and common assault" at the singer's London home.

Wow. Who would've thought Boy George would turn out to be such a weirdo creep? He was so normal back in the 80s...

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This just in: Bush is still stupid

On Tuesday, the worst president in American history signed a big increase in the Pentagon's non-war budget, and vetoed a spending measure for health and education programs prized by congressional Democrats. The $606 billion education and health measure highlights the differences between Bush and majority Democrats. The House fell three votes short of winning a veto-proof margin as it sent the measure to Bush. Since winning re-election, Bush has sought to cut the labor, health and education measure below the prior year level, but lawmakers have rejected the cuts. The budget that Bush presented in February sought almost $4 billion in cuts to this year's bill. Democrats responded by adding $10 billion to Bush's request for the 2008 bill. The $471 billion defense budget gives the Pentagon a 9 percent, $40 billion budget increase. Much of the increase in the defense bill is devoted to procuring new and expensive weapons systems, including $6.3 billion for the next-generation F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, $2.8 billion for the Navy's DD (X) destroyer and $3.1 billion for the new Virginia-class attack submarine. Huge procurement costs are driving the Pentagon budget ever upward. Once war costs are added in, the total defense budget will be significantly higher than during the typical Cold War year, even after adjusting for inflation.

I do agree that we need to support the troops, no matter how pointless and poorly handled this war has been. But, in case you haven't noticed, our country is in shambles. The economy sucks, and labor, health and education are disgustingly bad. Forget trying to make other nations better, let's take care of our own already...

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Vikings show little compassion for one of their own

Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Troy Williamson was fined after missing a game because of his grandmother's death. The St. Paul Pioneer Press has reported the team docked $25,888 of his $435,000 base salary, a loss he can try to recoup by filing a grievance through the NFL Players Association. Vikings coach Brad Childress said the decision not to pay Williamson was based on an organizational business principle and said, "It's really kind of out of my realm." Williamson spent time with members of his family following the Oct. 29 death of his grandmother (who raised him and acted more as a mother), missing the Vikings' Nov. 4 game against San Diego.

Sure, it's a business, but, come on! Have a little heart, empathy, kindness, mercy and sympathy! There are more important things in life than a football game...

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NFL reinstates Ricky Williams

The NFL, according to a statement from commissioner Roger Goodell on Nov. 14, has reinstated former Heisman Trophy winner/first-round draft pick/social anxiety disorder sufferer/Pro Bowler/Ayurveda student/Hindu/pothead Ricky Williams, and he's set to return to his former team, the Miami Dolphins.
He can begin attending team meetings and practicing immediately, but he won't be able to play in an actual game until Week 12, when the Dolphins play at Pittsburgh on Nov. 26. The Dolphins will receive a roster exemption for Williams for up to two weeks when he begins practicing, starting no later than Nov. 19.
Williams has not played in the NFL since the 2005 season, after he was suspended for numerous violations of the league's drug policy. In April 2006, Williams was suspended for his fourth violation of the league's anti-drug policy. He reportedly failed a drug test for a banned substance that was not marijuana. The first three violations for Williams came after he tested positive for marijuana.
So, welcome back, Ricky. If I ever see you, we'll celebrate with a nice, big fatty...uh, let's just toast over a couple glasses of sparkling cider...

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Simmons says: College kids killed music business

In an interview with Billboard, KISS founder Gene Simmons blames college kids and their illegal downloading of music for killing the music business.

When asked about illegal downloading, Simmons said: "Every little college kid, every freshly-scrubbed little kid's face should have been sued off the face of the earth. They should have taken their houses and cars and nipped it right there in the beginning. Those kids are putting 100,000 to a million people out of work. How can you pick on them? They've got freckles. That's a crook. He may as well be wearing a bandit's mask."

Sure, illegal downloading does take money out of artists' pockets, but I don't think that's what killed the music industry. Perhaps it was selling 40 minute CDs that cost 50 cents to make for $20? Or maybe, Gene, what really killed the music industry was rampant, excessive and downright disgusting merchandising and licensing. It's not about the music anymore; it's about the money. And that turns people off, just like, say, Kiss-coffins, Kiss-coins and any other pieces of crappy Kiss merchandise do...

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Phil Jackson is funny

The NBA has spoken with the Los Angeles Lakers about a sexual reference coach Phil Jackson made following Tuesday night's game in San Antonio. The Spurs made 13 3-pointers in their 107-92 victory, and Jackson was asked if too much penetration was leading to open outside shooters.

"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."

In response, league spokesman Brian McIntyre said: "The remarks are in poor taste, and the Lakers have assured us such remarks will not occur in the future."

Get over it! It was a funny comment and it wasn't disparaging towards gay people. People are too damn sensitive...

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Poitier to star in "Knight Rider" TV movie

Actress Sydney Poitier (youngest daughter of screen-legend Sidney Poitier) has landed a role on NBC's two-hour movie "Knight Rider," which will serve as a pilot for a possible remake of the TV series about a man and his talking car. The movie centers on Mike Tracer (Justin Bruening), the son of Michael Knight, the character played by David Hasselhoff in the original show. Poitier will play a feisty FBI agent who dislikes Tracer (Oh, the intrigue!).

This doesn't translate well in print (since the first names are spelled differently), but isn't funny to hear the sentence: "Sidney Poitier will star in the 'Knight Rider' TV movie."?

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Finally, in "Who gives a shit?" news...

• The Backstreet Boys and Celine Dion release new albums

• Matchbox Twenty touring for first time in 4 years.

• Matt Damon named 'sexiest man alive'

• Author Ken Follett is latest Oprah Winfrey pick

• Alex Rodriguez may stay with Yankees

• Marie Osmond's 16-year-old son enters rehab

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Until next week...

TS