What a Week it Was... (11-30 Edition)

In this weekly column, I recap some of the events of the week that I found to be interesting, humorous and/or disgusting. Please note that I do this with several hints of humor, satire and farce, so please don't take any of my comments too seriously. Most, if not all, of these stories were reported by the Associated Press (www.ap.org) or Reuters (www.reuters.com).

If you like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and spread the love. If you don't like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and take turns pointing out how lame I am.

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So long, Lloyd

University of Michigan Head Football Coach Lloyd Carr retired after 13 years, following a season defined by a startling loss to Appalachian State and yet another defeat by Ohio State. Carr led the Wolverines to 121 wins, five Big Ten titles and a national championship.

Michigan opened the season ranked No. 5, but quickly dropped out of the rankings, thanks to an 0-2 start that included a 34-32 loss to Appalachian State (which made Michigan the first ranked team to lose to a team from the Football Championship Subdivision, formerly Division I-AA) and a 39-7 loss to Oregon, Michigan's biggest home defeat since 1968. The season ended with Michigan's fourth straight loss to The Ohio State Buckeyes, matching Michigan's longest losing streak in the storied series. Carr was the first coach in school history to lose six times in seven years in the rivalry. He was 6-7 overall in the matchup that matters most.

Nothing much to say here, except that Michigan sucks and Ann Arbor is a whore. Go Bucks!

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Mr. Whipple passes on

Dick Wilson, the character actor and pitchman who for 21 years played "Mr. Whipple," an uptight grocer who begged customers to not "squeeze the Charmin," died at the Motion Picture & Television Fund Hospital in Woodland Hills, Calif., at the age of 91. Wilson made more than 500 commercials as Mr. George Whipple, a man consumed with keeping bubbly housewives from fondling toilet paper. The punch line of most spots was that Whipple himself was a closeted Charmin-squeezer. The first commercial aired in 1964 and the campaign ended in 1985. Wilson also played a drunk on several episodes of "Bewitched," and appeared as various characters on "Hogan's Heroes," "The Bob Newhart Show," and several Walt Disney productions.

Here's hoping he's up in heaven all snuggled up in a squeezably soft cloud...

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And you thought the Grammy Awards were meaningless...

The American Music Awards resembled a greatest-hits version of "American Idol," as former contestants Chris Daughtry and Carrie Underwood each won three prizes. Daughtry is the latest in a long line of whiney, annoying crap-rockers, and Underwood, who does have a pleasant voice, is the latest in a long line of overplayed, country divas.

The Idols were likely spurred to their victories due to a move that mimicked the fan-based element of American Idol, as the producers of the ratings-challenged awards show allowed fans to vote online. Winners were traditionally determined by an opinion poll of 20,000 music buyers.

What does it all mean? People - particularly the music-buying public - are dumb...

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The world is f-cked up (Part 1)

In Acworth, Ga., three boys, an 8-year-old and two 9-year-olds, were arrested for kidnapping and raping an 11-year-old girl near a suburban apartment complex, officials said. The boys were charged with rape, kidnapping, false imprisonment and sexual assault. They appeared in court in Cobb County and were ordered to remain in custody until a further hearing.

The father of one of the boys told the AP that no force was used against the girl, and said the allegations have been leveled because the accuser "didn't want to get in trouble with her parents." But, Acworth Police Chief Michael Wilkie said children that young cannot legally consent to sex, "so we have to go with the charges we have." He told the AP one of the boys was accused of threatening to hit the girl with a rock before the alleged assault. He also said the investigation is "far from over."

Cobb County District Attorney Pat Head told reporters the current rape charges against the boys would be replaced with juvenile charges, since they are too young to be prosecuted on felony charges. Under Georgia law, juvenile defendants must be at least 13 before a case can be transferred to the adult system. The juvenile charges could bring up to five years probation and time in a state youth home if the boys are ruled delinquent.

Juvenile Court Judge A. Gregory Poole imposed a gag order on participants in the case, limiting further explanation, Head said.

No matter what happened here, this is sickening. Young boys like this should barely even know what sex is; let alone how to forcibly obtain it. How these boys could put together any kind of violent plot is beyond me. This is just disgusting...

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The world is f-cked up (Part 2)

The parents of a 13-year-old girl who believe their daughter's October 2006 suicide was the result of a cruel cyber hoax are pushing for measures to protect other children online. Tina and Ron Meier, who are now separated and plan to divorce, have taken up the cause of Internet safety after a bizarre twist in their daughter Megan Meier's death.

The mother of a former friend of Megan's allegedly created a fictitious profile in order to gain Megan's trust and learn what Megan was saying about her daughter. But the communication eventually turned hostile.

Megan Meier sometimes suffered from low self-esteem and was on medication at the time of her death. But her family said she looked forward to her 14th birthday and having her braces removed.
When a cute boy befriended Megan on the social networking site MySpace, the two formed a quick connection during their more than month-long relationship. The boy claimed to be Josh Evans, a 16-year-old who lived nearby and was home schooled. But what began as a promising online friendship soon turned sour, as compliments turned to insults.

Evans said he didn't have a phone and thus Megan couldn't talk to him, but the two continued their communication online. All seemed to go well between Megan and Josh until an unsettling message started a tragic chain of events. Megan got message from Josh saying, "I don't know if I want to be friends with you any longer because I hear you're not nice to your friends." Someone using Josh's account was sending cruel messages and electronic bulletins were being posted about Megan, saying things like, "Megan Meier is a slut. Megan Meier is fat."

The cyber exchange devastated Megan, who was unable to understand how and why her friendship unraveled. The stress and frustration was too much for Megan, who had a history of depression.

Tina Meier discovered her daughter's body in a bedroom closet on Oct. 16, 2006. Megan had hanged herself and died a day later. But six weeks after Megan's death, the Meiers learned Josh Evans never existed. A mother, who had learned of the page from her own daughter, told the Meiers a neighborhood mom had created and monitored Evans' profile and page.

There was a connection between the Meiers and the family with the mother accused of running Evans' profile. In fact, the woman who created the profile had asked the Meiers if her family could store their foosball table. Once they learned of the family's involvement, the Meiers destroyed the table, placed it in the woman's yard and encouraged the family to move, according to the AP.

While the woman who created the fake profile has not been charged with a crime, residents have proposed a new ordinance related to child endangerment and Internet harassment.

Yikes. First of all, these chat rooms and MySpaces are poxes on society. Internet predators and assholes like the lady above need to be stopped. Whatever happened to going out in the world and meeting people on your own? But, besides all that, who in the hell is this bitch that messes with a teenage girl? Is your life that pathetic that you have nothing better to do than join in on your daughter's schoolyard spat? I realize that the woman who created the fake profile can't really be charged with anything, but if I were Megan's parent, I'd do a lot more than destroy a foosball table. It amazes me that people are such piles of shit...

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Score one for science

Scientists have made ordinary human skin cells take on the chameleon-like powers of embryonic stem cells, a startling breakthrough that might someday deliver the medical payoffs of embryo cloning without the controversy.

The "direct reprogramming" technique avoids the swarm of ethical, political and practical obstacles that have stymied attempts to produce human stem cells by cloning embryos. Scientists familiar with the work said scientific questions remain and that it's still important to pursue the cloning strategy, but that the new work is a major coup.

At this point, the technique requires disrupting the DNA of the skin cells, which creates the potential for developing cancer. So it would be unacceptable for the most touted use of embryonic cells: creating transplant tissue that in theory could be used to treat diseases like diabetes, Parkinson's, and spinal cord injury. But, the DNA disruption is just a byproduct of the technique, and experts said they believe it can be avoided.

Ah, the wonders of science. If this works out, will it finally be okay with you bible-thumping religion nuts?

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"Compass" under fire over religious content

In other crazy-Christian news, "The Golden Compass," a $180 million movie due to be released on December 7, is caught between a U.S. Catholic group that has called for a boycott of what it sees as an attack on religion and purists who do not want the original watered down.
The U.S.-based Catholic League urged Christians not to see the movie, fearing even a diluted version of the book might draw people to read author Philip Pullman's bestselling "His Dark Materials" trilogy.
Calling Pullman "a noted English atheist," the group said on its Web site: "It is his objective to bash Christianity and promote atheism. To kids."

In the fantasy world created by Pullman, the Church and its governing body the Magisterium, are linked to cruel experiments on children aimed at discovering the nature of sin and attempts to suppress facts that would undermine the Church's legitimacy and power. Pullman's main character in the books, a girl named Lyra, battles the dark forces controlled by the Magisterium.

But in the film all references to the Church have been stripped out, with director Chris Weitz keen to avoid offending religious cinemagoers. "To me that was about not being aggressive and offending the individual audience goer who might be religious," he said.

Pullman has taken issue with the Catholic League and its president Bill Donohue. "Oh, it causes me to shake my head with sorrow that such nitwits could be loose in the world," he told Newsweek magazine.

Early reviews of the movie have been mixed, with several praising Nicole Kidman's performance and the special effects in particular. But fans have expressed disappointment at the decision to tone down the books' religious content.

As well as removing references to the church, the Bible and sin, the film leaves out the final three chapters in which our assumptions about two of the main characters are challenged and tragedy befalls one of Lyra's friends.

Weitz said his decision to end the movie earlier in the narrative had been influenced by the need for a more box office-friendly happy ending to establish the foundation for what he hopes will be a film trilogy.

So much about this bothers me. For one, the Catholic League has got to go. Keep your religion to yourself! Besides that, this is a piece of fiction! If you're worried about your kids becoming atheists due to this movie or any other piece of media, that speaks more to your parenting than the media itself. Worse than that, however, (since bible thumpers pushing their religions on others will never go away) is the fact that the people involved with this movie are kowtowing to these morons. I understand it's all about the box office, but if you didn't want all this controversy, why did you turn the book into a movie in the first place? Leave the author's work alone. No art should be watered down for anyone. Period.

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Diamond reveals 'Caroline' inspiration



American treasure Neil Diamond held onto the secret for decades, but he has finally revealed that President Kennedy's daughter was the inspiration for his smash hit "Sweet Caroline."

Diamond was a "young, broke songwriter" when a photo of the president's daughter in a news magazine caught his eye.

"It was a picture of a little girl dressed to the nines in her riding gear, next to her pony," Diamond recalled. "It was such an innocent, wonderful picture, I immediately felt there was a song in there."

Years later, holed up in a hotel in Memphis, he would write the words and music in less an hour.
"It was a No. 1 record and probably is the biggest, most important song of my career, and I have to thank her for the inspiration," he said. "I'm happy to have gotten it off my chest and to have expressed it to Caroline. I thought she might be embarrassed, but she seemed to be struck by it and really, really happy."

Sweet...

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Hulk Hogan's wife files for divorce

Hulk Hogan's wife said in a divorce petition that she wants a share of the family's two multimillion-dollar Florida properties plus alimony and child support for their 17-year-old son. Linda Bollea filed for divorce from Hogan - whose real name is Terry Bollea - after 24 years of marriage. The petition says the marriage is "irretrievably broken."

Poor Hulkster. What'cha gonna do, What'cha gonna do, brother, when Linda's lawyers run wild on you? I don't think any amount of training, prayers or vitamins will help you out of this. No, not even your 24-inch pythons or Mean Gene can help you now...

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Carson Daly poised to defy writers' strike

NBC's Last Call with Carson Daly is about to become the first late-night talk show to defy the writers' strike and resume production. Daly, who is not a member of the Writers Guild, will begin taping new episodes of his Burbank-based show this week for airing next week, an NBC spokesperson confirmed.

This show is still on? And people actually watch it? I would assume, though, that if it was bad before, it's going to be insanely horrible without writers. Especially if Daly is doing the writing. Can we just be done with this nobody already?

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US 4th-graders losing ground on literacy

U.S. fourth-graders have lost ground in reading ability compared with kids around the world, according to results of a global reading test. Test results showed U.S. students, who took the test last year, scored about the same as they did in 2001, the last time the test was given - despite an increased emphasis on reading under the No Child Left Behind law.

The U.S. average score on the Progress in International Reading Literacy test remained above the international average (Wow! We should be so proud!). Ten countries or jurisdictions, including Hong Kong and three Canadian provinces, were ahead of the United States this time. In 2001, only three countries were ahead of the United States.

The 2002 No Child Left Behind law requires schools to test students annually in reading and math, and imposes sanctions on schools that miss testing goals.

Just further proof that No Child Left Behind was/is worthless and that plenty of children have been left behind. But at least all that money spent on the war has been put to good use. This also speaks to the poor parenting and negative role models that abound in this country. Pathetic...

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Finally, in "Who gives a shit?" news...

Helio Castroneves wins "Dancing With the Stars"

Madonna angers animal activists by dyeing sheep for photo shoot

"The Bachelor" finale: The rose goes to nobody

"Oprah" visit helps Groban soar to No. 1

50 Cent shows off mansion on 'Cribs'

Don Imus gets another chance on radio

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Until next week...

TS