What a Week it Was... (12-14 Edition)

By Troy Sympson

In this weekly column, I recap some of the events of the week that I found to be interesting, humorous and/or disgusting. Please note that I do this with several hints of humor, satire and farce, so please don't take any of my comments too seriously. Most, if not all, of these stories were reported by the Associated Press (www.ap.org) or Reuters (www.reuters.com).

If you like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and spread the love. If you don't like what you see, pass it along to your friends, families and co-workers and take turns pointing out how lame I am.

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Michael Vick sentenced to 23 months in prison

Disgusting disgrace Michael Vick was sentenced to 23 months in prison for his role in a dogfighting ring. The suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback, who turned himself in Nov. 19 to begin serving his sentence, wore a black-and-white striped prison suit as he stood before U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson. Hudson rebuffed the defense team's appeals for leniency, determining Vick had lied about his involvement in the killing of dogs, and about his drug use. Vick tested positive for marijuana Sept. 13 after claiming to have avoided illicit drugs. The sentence means Vick will be in prison until at least mid-July 2009, even if he meets the federal standard of 54 days' reduction per year for good behavior. Vick, whose $130 million contract was once the richest in NFL history, was suspended without pay by the NFL and lost all his lucrative endorsement deals. Hudson also ordered Vick to three years of supervised probation upon his release, enrollment in a substance abuse program if his parole officer deems it necessary, reminded him that felons can't own guns and said he can never again own a dog. "He doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for him," attorney Lawrence Woodward said. "He just wants a chance to prove himself when all this is over."

F. that! No one is feeling sorry for him, and no NFL team will want to deal with the PR nightmare that would come with signing him. Not to mention that he'll have been out of the league for three years by the time he'll be able to attempt a comeback. He's done and I say good riddance. Hopefully he'll get regularly attacked by prison guard dogs...

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In other Vick news...

Falcons Owner Arthur Blank has said that his team is pretty much done with Vick. "I would never use the word 'never,'" said Blank. "I would say there's always a chance. But, quite candidly, we as an organization, as a football team, we have to look forward. We have to go forward assuming Michael will not be back." Adding fuel to the fire, Blank added: "If Michael makes a mistake and eats fried chicken and French fries in prison every day and comes out at 250 pounds, he's not going to be able to play football."

Racist? Perhaps. But, since Blank is a Southern man, I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I think fried chicken is more of a Southern dish, not a black dish. Still, his choice of words is questionable. But, I guess it's good he didn't say watermelon, kool aid, collard greens or malt liquor...

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In other Falcons news...

Falcons coach Bobby Petrino, in a move that was said to have blindsided team officials, resigned to take the head-coaching job at the University of Arkansas, the team confirmed. Blank and the Falcons brass were caught off guard, and they're scrambling to figure out who will coach the 3-10 team over the final three games. Offensive coordinator Hue Jackson and defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer are likely candidates to coach the Falcons on an interim basis. Each could be under consideration for the permanent job. Before the Falcons' 34-14 loss to New Orleans Monday, Blank said that he had heard rumors that Arkansas had targeted Petrino to replace Houston Nutt as head coach. So, he asked Petrino if he was considering that job. Petrino, who was signed from the University of Louisville to a five-year, $24.5 million contract Jan. 8, told him Monday afternoon that he definitely would be back to coach the Falcons in 2008. It was the second time Blank had asked Petrino about his commitment to the team and the second time Petrino told him he would be back next season.

What a sell-out jerk. Way to abandon ship, Capitan. Obviously I hate Vick for what he did, but it sucks the way he left his teammates hanging. Now their coach leaves them high and dry. I feel for you Falcons fans. Hang in there, better days are ahead...

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You've got to call a spade a spade

ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose is under fire for comments he made about the NHL's New Jersey Devils' new arena in Newark. Melrose said that the area around the arena is "awful," and that "the inside and the outside where it's built is pretty humorous." He also warned those who visit the arena to not "go outside if you have a wallet or anything else."

Sorry, the arena is in a bad neighborhood. What more can you say? I'm sure the building of the arena in that area is meant to spur economic growth and development, and once that happens, we'll talk. In the meantime, the neighborhood sucks. But what really sucks is that no one is allowed to be honest anymore. Everybody's too PC and sensitive. Get over it...

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Rave reviews for Led Zeppelin concert

On the morning after Led Zeppelin's long-awaited reunion concert, the music reviewers were already calling for more. Playing a full set for the first time in nearly three decades, Zep rocked the O2 Arena for more than two hours, leaving fans from around the world gasping in delight. The late John Bonham's son, Jason, played drums, joining the band's three surviving members, singer Robert Plant, guitarist Jimmy Page and bassist-keyboardist John Paul Jones. Although a full tour remains a mystery - Plant is reportedly due to tour with bluegrass star Alison Krauss - the band proved it still has what it takes to keep an audience interested.

Please bring on a full reunion tour. Besides giving me a chance to see the greatest band ever, it will give all you young punks out there a chance to see what music really is. Forget your Fall Out Boys, Hinders, Fergies and Daughtrys. It's time you kids learned what's what...

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Also at the Zep concert...

Sir Paul McCartney was caught smoking a joint at the concert, the British media is reporting. McCartney got away with it, too, with a concert-worker reportedly saying: "Don't worry, you're a legend."

I agree. He is a legend. And, he (and everyone else for that matter) should be able to smoke marijuana. It's safer and less destructive than alcohol. Toke away, my friends...

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Quiet Riot singer died of overdose

The death last month of Kevin Dubrow, lead singer for the 1980s heavy metal band Quiet Riot, has been ruled an accidental cocaine overdose. Clark County coroner spokeswoman Samantha Charles confirmed the cause Monday after toxicology results were received. Dubrow was found dead Nov. 25 at his Las Vegas home. He was 52.

I'm not really sure how you "accidentally" OD, but rest in peace nonetheless. We'll always be available to cum on and feel the noise...

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Knievel remembered at funeral in Montana

Mourners remembered daredevil Evel Knievel as a red, white and blue American icon who made a spiritual leap of faith long after his death-defying motorcycle jumps. The Rev. Robert H. Schuller of California's Crystal Cathedral officiated at the service, held in the daredevil's hometown of Butte, Mont. Before the service, hundreds of mourners filed past the open casket to pay their respects to Knievel, clad in a white leather jacket with red and blue trim. Photos rested on easels as images of Knievel on his motorcycle appeared on a large screen above. A mix of country music and Frank Sinatra's "My Way" played in the background. After the service, a hearse carried Knievel's body along Evel Knievel Loop, a six-mile route through town. A handful of people braved the cold and light snow to wave goodbye. Later, a mix of people in leather biker jackets and ski parkas gathered at the gravesite. Some placed flowers on Knievel's coffin. Knievel died Nov. 30 in Clearwater, Fla., after years of failing health. He was 69. He had returned often to Butte, an industrial city of 35,000 that holds an annual Evel Knievel Days festival. Fireworks illuminated the night sky with bursts of red, white and blue when a hearse carrying Knievel's body arrived at the Butte Civic Center, the town's largest indoor venue.

Rest in peace, as well, Evel. I hope you're jumping over the clouds in heaven...

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What a spineless worm

NBA commissioner David Stern won't punish Isiah Thomas or Madison Square Garden for their role in a sexual harassment trial that embarrassed the Knicks and the league. "Instead, we are going to continue to focus our attention on a league-wide program ensuring that all teams have appropriate policies, clearly communicated to their employees, focusing on respect in the workplace including the prohibition of sexual harassment," Stern said in a statement.

Just further proof that Stern is the worst commissioner in all of sports. He's a weak-willed, smarmy little jerk, who caters to the big market teams and openly roots for them. It's time for you to go, Stern. The NBA is a joke, and you're a big reason why...

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Please end this writers' strike!

Two worthless people who are famous for having sex, Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, are developing a reality series for the E! network. Sources say the show is slated to debut in 2008.

Puke. That's all I really have to say...

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Ike Turner passes away

Rock 'n' roll pioneer, and owner of one of the strongest pimp hands in music history, Ike Turner, whose achievements as one of the founding fathers of the genre were overshadowed by ex-wife Tina Turner's claims that he regularly beat her for almost two decades, died at his home near San Diego. He was 76. His cause of death was not immediately known, said his manager, Scott Hanover. The one-time disc jockey arguably invented rock 'n' roll with his 1951 song "Rocket 88," and he enjoyed huge fame in the 1960s and 1970s as the Svengali behind Ike and Tina Turner, a R&B revue that dazzled audiences with high-energy performances of such tunes as "Proud Mary" and "River Deep Mountain High." But Ike Turner was also a violent man, according to his ex-wife and others including Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, who said he saw him pistol-whip a fellow musician. "Ike acted like a goddamned pimp," Richards told Vanity Fair in 1993. Tina Turner's memoir, "I, Tina," and a 1993 biopic "What's Love Got to Do With It" turned Ike Turner into one of the most notorious villains in the music industry. The singer said her ex-husband regularly abused and humiliated her for 16 years, and drove her to attempt suicide in 1968. He cracked her ribs, threw hot coffee in her face, burnt her with a cigarette and punched her in the nose so often she had to have surgery, she said. Ike told a New York news conference in 1993, "I only punched her with my fist once. I have slapped her, and the times where I slapped her were when she was looking sad." A spokeswoman for Tina Turner, who lives in semi-retirement in Europe, said, "Tina is aware that Ike passed away earlier today. She has not had any contact with him in over 30 years."

Evil bastard or influential pioneer? Maybe a little of both. In any rate, hearing Ike and Tina do "Proud Mary" and "River Deep Mountain High" is a wonderful music experience. Like Michael Jackson, no matter what you think about Ike, you can't deny his musical talents. Rest in peace...

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Mitchell Report tarnishes baseball

The biggest scandal in baseball since the 1919 Black Sox has rocked the sports world. Former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell released his much-anticipated report on performance-enhancing drugs, and baseball may never be the same because of it. The 409-page report identified 85 names to differing degrees, including seven MVPs, two Cy Young Award winners and 31 All-Stars - one for every position. Some of the biggest names included Roger Clemens, Jose Canseco, Andy Pettitte, Eric Gagne, Miguel Tejada, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi, Troy Glaus, Gary Matthews Jr., Paul Byrd, Jose Guillen, Brian Roberts, Paul Lo Duca, Rick Ankiel, Rafael Palmeiro, Kevin Brown, Benito Santiago, Lenny Dykstra, Chuck Knoblauch, David Justice, Mo Vaughn, Wally Joyner, Todd Hundley, Mike Stanton, Scott Schoeneweis, Ron Villone and Jerry Hairston Jr.

Just another black eye on baseball's marred face. I guess Bonds' home run record won't be the only thing questioned in baseball. Seemingly the past 20 years will need to be marked with asterisks. Sad...

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All-nighters may not improve grades

A new survey says those who never study all night have slightly higher GPAs than those who do. A survey of 120 students at St. Lawrence University, a small liberal arts college in northern New York, found that students who have never pulled an all-nighter have average GPAs of 3.1, compared to 2.9 for those who have. The study, by assistant professor of psychology Pamela Thacher, is to be included in the January issue of Behavioral Sleep Medicine.

In other news, eating poorly may not help you lose weight, and drinking alcohol may not make you a better driver...

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Finally, in "Who gives a shit?" news...

• Solange Knowles is recording a second album

• Jessica Alba is pregnant

• Oprah Winfrey doesn't regret opening school

• Brittney Spears may be pregnant again

• Kiefer Sutherland deluged with fan mail in jail

• Paris Hilton brings holiday cheer to Berlin

• Eva Longoria and Tony Parker deny rumors of affair

• Katie Holmes says marriage to Tom Cruise 'Made my life'

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Until next week...

TS