What Will Happen If You Don't Switch to Digital

Unless you are from the planet Mongo, everyone is aware of what is going to happen on June 12, 2009. All men will be forced to wear thongs. Just kidding. Television broadcasting will be going from analog (I think I used to date her) to digital. That means millions of television viewers on 6/12 will be watching the equivalent of a white cat eating mayonnaise in a snowstorm. This will only happen if your television has no cable system, or if it is attached to a roof antenna, rabbit-ears, or pigs feet.

This brings forth the questions, what is digital broadcasting, how did it start and why must I switch? All good questions. In order to get these answers (and this column up to 500 words) let's take a look at who conceived digital T.V.

As far as it can be determined, digital TV was conceived by the same guy who told us back in the 1970's to replace all our vinyl record albums with eight track tapes. Once we had enough eight track tapes to fill Nassau Coliseum, he recommended that we replace them with audio cassettes. After spending the kid's college fund on that, this same guy came up with CDs. He was found, stripped down to his skivvies and deported on a cattle boat to Caracas.

NOTE: It has been noted that vinyl records are making a big comeback, so hang on to your eight track tapes, because it looks like this thing is coming full circle.

It is also believed that this is the same person who dreamed up the home video. He started with the Beta Max/VHS craze. After we spent a small fortune on Beta Max systems, VHS eventually won out and Beta Max had to be replaced. (Although, it is believed that only 37 people actually bought Beta Max systems.) After VHS won, he came up with the video disc; a prerecorded video on a disc about the size of the aforementioned vinyl record album. After these failed to become popular, this lunatic invented the DVD, which was accomplished by taking all those video discs and putting them into a very large microwave oven. Now there's Blu-Ray Disc Technology, which, when you move the letters around, you get the phrase, "ability to charge more."

So, what exactly will happen if you haven't made the switch to digital by June 12^th? It hasn't been confirmed, but it is believed that the following ten things will happen:

1. All family members will lose every square inch of body hair (this includes all indoor pets).

2. All food will taste like carpet swatches.

3. You will begin having nightmares of drowning in pool of honey-mustard dressing.

4. People will begin speaking to you in Pig Latin.

5. You'll be forced to go out and buy a pig to translate what people are saying to you.

6. It will rain Kaeopectate in your living room for forty days and forty nights.

7. Telemarketers will begin calling you day and night, trying to sell you Skip Homeier's Memoirs.

8. You'll start a home-based business manufacturing ear wax removal systems.

9. Your car will be stolen from your garage and replaced with a stack of coupons for lawn fertilizer.

10. Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich will move in with you.

So, if you don't want these things to happen to you, please make the switch. Otherwise, Heaven help us all.