What is the Worst Thing to Tell the Kids?

Divorce and separation is more difficult for kids than parents may realize. The two people they love most in the world are at odds with each other. Their homes have been broken apart and Mom and Dad don't seem to like each other any more. Throw into that mix, the possibility that there is a third party, another man or woman, involved. These factors alone are very difficult for kids to understand.

Divorce and separation just happens sometimes, and is not always a reflection on your parenting skills, but how you handle things regarding your separation are. People divorce for many reasons, incompatibility, cheating, and money, drug or alcohol abuse, stealing; the reasons for separation are endless.

It is natural to feel anger over a separation or divorce. Everyone feels some sort of emotional assault or anger. This should never be expressed to the kids. A parent of three, and mother to three stepchildren, I am very aware of the often long term effect this could have on a child, often damaging the relationship between one or both parents.

What should you never say to your kids about your divorce or separation? You should never tell them the reasons why; at least not the real ones. It is natural for kids to want to know what happened. Kids will certainly ask why Mom or Dad is not living in the home anymore. When they do, it is never a good idea to dump all of the details of your spouses cheating habits to your kids. They don't need to know that Mom or Dad has been fooling around on the side and has a new boyfriend or girlfriend. This only confuses the kids.

Kids do not need to know that a parent has a drug or alcohol problem. If of course, it has escalated to the point it has really affected the entire family, let the kids know that the parent has a problem and is getting help. Do not give the kids the nasty details of all the drugs and what they caused the parent to do. They will figure this out on their own.

Never discuss money issues with the kids. Divorce brings with it, some of the most intense squabbles over money. Who pays who, how much and how often is nothing the kids need to know. They don't need to know that the non-custodial parent is always late or never pays child support. This is not something your child can fix and only makes them feel bad for or about the delinquent parent.

Never, ever, even if you know it to be true, tell your kids that their other parent does not love them. This does not usually hurt the other parent; nor does it improve their parenting skills. It can however, destroy the feelings of your kids and cause long term issues. Already traumatized by something they can not possibly understand, they do not need to be made to feel that anything that has happened is their fault.

When you wonder how much to say to a child about the other parent, remember that less is usually better. Kids usually figure things out for themselves; but what exactly should you say? For the advice of a parent who has been there; follow this link.