What Would Aliens Say About the Human Race?

Commander Zolg: "We have just gotten data returns from our spy scouts regarding the human species on what they call planet earth. Interesting to say the least."

Zoltar X: "Really? What does it say? I'm twiddling my tentacles in great apprehension, sir."

Commander Zolg: "Yes, you are twiddling mine too, and I really, really wish you would stop doing that. In any event, it seems that the inhabitants of this tiny remote planet are carbon based and are composed of mainly water with a small quantity of trace elements. We have determined that they evolved from an ancestral single cell organism that inhabited the vast bodies of water that engulf much of the planet, and later evolved into air breathing life-forms that moved onto land."

Zoltar X: "Ahh, much like our own race. But why do they look so odd? They only have one head and two eyes. Certainly a disadvantage in warfare, one would think."

Commander Zolg: "Indeed it would be Zoltar. The humans are indeed odd. The mass of their central nervous system, which they call a 'brain', is located atop their smallish upright trunk. Four appendages, that are termed 'arms' and 'legs', extend from the trunk. The arms have prehensile digits used for grasping. The legs have dysfunctional digits that serve as bipedal cantelevers. They are clearly a sexual species, as both male and female variations exist."

Zoltar X: "Please, please elaborate further sir. You have peaked my curiosity. A sexual species?"

Commander Zolg: "At ease Zoltar. I miss my wife Xena as well. Unlike our species, the humans have reproductive organs at the juncture of the two lower walking extremities, tucked beneath a skeletal superstructure called a pelvis. The male has a fleshy appendage that fills with circulatory fluid when aroused for mating, and the female has an internal egg chamber to receive the male's genetic strands. While this is not surprising, and is seen on lower species on our own planet Zorban, what is somewhat eye opening is that these sexual organs double as waste elimination organs as well. Liquid waste passes through the same channel as reproductive material in both male and female. Quite strange, indeed."

Zoltar X: "Maugh, sounds rather dishygenic. One must be surprised that they have any desire to breed at all. Our method of transdermal insemination seems much more efficient and neater, to be sure."

Commander Zolg: "Yes. They seem to be able to contend with it, though. Another area of interest is how humans communicate. They expel compressed air through specialized oxygen processing organs called 'lungs' and into the eating orifice, called a 'mouth', which doubles as a sound chamber that allows them to form unique sounds, which they call 'language'. The human brain is capable of mapping these sounds and converting them to abstract thought. Truly advanced for such a far flung planet, though they lack an agreed upon language, unlike our planet, which causes considerable confusion. They communicate by facial and body cues as well, just like us. They have hundreds of facial muscles, when contorted, can convey many subtle meanings, all signs of a relatively high level of neurological sophistication."

Zoltar X: Interesting. Simple yet efficient. What do they consume as nutrients, sir?"

Commander Zolg: "Ahh, yes. They revel in eating other living things, both plant and animal, which they have purposely cultivated and refined to suit their particular tastes. They seem to enjoy grinding up simpler life forms into roundish flesh patties, which they call 'whoppers'. They also capture the milky excretion from the reproductive teats of these same food animals and mold it into what they call 'american cheese', and wash them down with a water based beverage fermented with the waste products of single-cell yeast organisms that they call 'budweiser'. Our agents report it odiferous and vile, to say the least. The food is chewed with special organs called 'teeth', mixed with a slimy secretion called 'saliva', and digested in a holding vesicle called a 'stomach', where potent hydrochloric acid is generated naturally in order break down and dissolve the food, which is then absorbed through a coiling, rope like organ called 'intestines', whereupon the residual wastes are eventually expelled through openings in the body, either just below, or directly through the sex organs."

Zoltar X: "Ah, you are ruining my appetite, sir, along with my libido. They sound just like the giant translucent chameleon worms of planet Zabugrom."

Commander Zolg: "Eh, I heartily concur. In preparing my report for the home planet Zorban, I am compelled to classify the humans as class Zeta-Zau, or moderately primitive with some technological aptitude. They are warlike, poor managers of their planets resources and rather under-evolved intellectually. They have a fatal attraction to leaders and elect them blindly, and then end up hating or killing them. They call such leaders 'Bushwipes'. Their galactic survival probability is only 1 in 10,000, as it is likely they will destroy themselves in wars, being they are both fission and fusion weapon capable.

On the plus side, they are capable of remarkable feats of cooperation, as evidenced by their sprawling, primitive cities, and the ability to manipulate matter and materials into many practical devices, via their notably sophisticated brain, communicating ability and prehensile hands. These facts classify humans as a newly technological species of the 8th Zoranic order, on a scale of 1-10 on the Zikorski Scale, ten being the lowest. While unremarkable overall, they are certainly one to be watched, to be sure."

Zoltar X: "My sentiments exactly sir. Shall we transmit our report back to the mother ship, or take a closer look at the area below?"

Commander Zolg: "Err..first mate, why is the fusion core light flashing red?"

Zoltar X: "Uhh, that would mean that somebody forgot to load the Zoranium pellets before we left orbit. Is that a bad thing sir?"

Commander Zolg: "Have you ever known a flashing red light to be a good thing, you impertuous slothering glork?!"

Zoltar X: "I really, really hate it when you call me that sir."

SOUND OF CRASH, END OF TRANSCRIPT