What to Do when You're Dumped

You're hurt. You're confused. You're angry. Your heart's in a giant vice and it feels like the bottom just dropped out of your life. You want to cry. You want to scream. Welcome to the not-so-wonderful world of the recently dumped.

It happens to the best of us. It also happens to the worst of us. It happens to pretty girls and plain girls, smart girls and guys, funny girls, rich and poor girls and guys too, all of which means zero to you right now because you're the one who just got dumped. The next few days and weeks aren't going to be pretty and they aren't going to be fun. But here are six tips geared toward making this bad time as easy as possible:

1. Recognize That You're Going Through a Grieving Process. It doesn't matter whether you've been dating for three months or married for 30 years. It's not the duration of the relationship which causes the hurt; it's the intensity. A sixteen year old teen can have just as intense a relationship as a 50 year old. The more intense the relationship, the more intense the hurt. You gave someone the most precious thing you possess - your heart. When you freely give your heart to someone and you believe that they've given their heart to you, it's going to hurt like hell when they throw it on the ground, stomp it flat like a pancake then hand it back to you. And when you hurt, you grieve.

It's perfectly natural to withdraw into your hidey-hole and lick your wounds. Just like a wounded animal, you need to retreat to familiar, safe surroundings and assess the damage. It's okay just as long as you don't withdraw for too long. If you want spend your spare time staring at the TV or staring at the wall, go ahead and do it, for a couple of days anyway.

2. Don't Keep This Bad News To Yourself. Now is not the time for a stiff upper lip. You'll have to maintain your cool on the job or in school, of course, but in your off hours don't hesitate to reach out to your most supportive friends and family. Share this news with them. And don't be surprised if you hear remarks like, "Good. I never thought he was good for you," or "You're better off without her." Your friends and family don't say these things because they're written in a script somewhere. They say these things because while you were all starry-eyed and falling in love you were also impossible to talk to in a rational manner. They, on the other hand, got to see everything with clearer eyes and think with clearer heads. Plus, they want the best for you and what they're saying is probably true. Of course you don't want to hear it right now but that doesn't make it any less true. Speaking of no stiff upper lips...

3. Have the Big Cry. You know it's going to happen so you may as well get it over with. You're only allowed one! Don't worry. A bunch of little cries will hit you when you least expect it. But if you're going to do it, do it right. Drag out your most gut-wrenching love songs, close the door to your room, find a fluffy pillow or stuffed animal to hug, curl up in a fetal position and get to it.

It's important to get all those bundled up emotions out. Cry until your eyes are bloodshot and puffy and your nose is runny and red. It's okay to do this. If you don't have the privacy to do the big cry in your room then cry in the shower. Blame the red eyes on the soap. But please, if you feel you need to, by all means have a good crying session. It really is cathartic. At the end of it you'll feel tired and wrung out but you'll also feel better.

4. Get Rid of the Reminders. It sounds harsh but the sooner you get rid of stuff like his or her email address, phone number, ticket stubs from that concert you went to together, the better. Get him or her off any buddy lists, rework your MySpace page, whatever it takes so that you're not constantly facing reminders of the relationship. Vary your routine if you need to so you're not always walking or driving by familiar routes that the two of you used to take together.

5. Make Other Changes in Your Life. Let's face it: When you've just been dumped it feels like the whole world has changed. You feel lost and at loose ends and suddenly unsure of your place in the grand scheme of things. It's a huge change to go from being a couple to realizing that you're all alone again. It's scary.

On the other hand, having such a monumental change forced upon you unwillingly makes all other changes feel like a piece of cake. Go ahead and try the hair style you've been thinking about. Redecorate your room or apartment. Try altering your schedule a bit. Start exercising. When you're suddenly alone, the changes you hesitated over before seem much less daunting. Who cares if they don't work out? How scary can it be, anyway? You just got your heart crushed, remember? Suddenly a bad hair style holds no fear.

6. Don't Go Backward. So this person dumped you, unceremoniously and without warning. Maybe it involved betrayal and maybe not. Maybe it involved public humiliation. And now they're calling or emailing you and part of you wants to answer that email or pick up that phone. You're starting to sing that old standby, sung by all the previous generations of dumpees before you. It goes something like, "Maybe we can work it out. Maybe it's just a misunderstanding. Maybe he/she loves me after all."

Are you nuts? Don't do it! Didn't you get enough trashing of your self-esteem the first time around? Do you like pain?

It's one thing when a couple mutually decide they need to break up because that kind of parting of the ways is done with respect and honesty and can leave open the possibility of reconciliation. But if you've been dumped, really and truly kicked to the curb, then you don't need this added assault to your self-esteem. It's a step backward and unworthy of you.

However, it's a sad fact of life that sometimes we don't learn the first time around. If you search your heart and truly want to, "try, try again," then by all means keep an open mind and an open heart but keep your eyes wide open too. Don't put blinders on and don't turn a blind eye to any behaviors which led to you being dumped the first time.

If it doesn't work out the second time around, don't beat yourself up! You're trying to heal, not make things worse. You wouldn't kick someone's broken leg, would you? Nor should you batter yourself around. Look, you forgave and you gave it your best shot and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Some people will never change or never want to change. Chalk it up to a lesson learned. You're older and wiser and hopefully won't travel the same wrong road a third time because you know by now that it dead ends.

This is the last thing you want to hear but it's the truest thing of all: Only time will heal the wound just dealt to you by someone you love and trusted. But it really does get better with time. Someday soon you'll be going about your day and you'll suddenly realize it's been a whole hour since you thought of him or her. Then it'll be a whole day. It's when you start asking yourself, "What did I ever see in such a loser?" that you'll know your healing process is complete. Welcome back to the wonderful world! We missed you!