What's Your Sign? I Need to Know the Degree as to How Fast I Should Run From You

Disclaimer: This is not to be taken seriously and in no way meant to encourage people from getting to know one another. I truly believe that people are so much more than the sign they are born under and although we have are good points, there are some universal bad ones. I hope you read this in fun and don't worry, I spare no sign.

Tolerance Rating System:

* - Pretty much cool and easy to deal with

** - Enough to annoy but easily ignored, like a mosquito.

*** - Bothersome. Takes some effort to ignore.

**** - Pretty much impossible to ignore and you'll want to choke them.

***** - UGLY. When the bad side does show up, (and it will) run. Better yet, just avoid these people

Aries - The Ram (****)

Selfish, quick-tempered, impulsive, impatient, foolhardy, daredevil. This just about sums up what to expect from the ugly side of the Ram and if you don't kill them, then you can expect them to deflate just as fast since they don't have the mental capacity to hold a grudge. Selfish is an understatement since these individuals will not only take the last slice of pizza after devouring their's the fastest (everything's a contest for them) but will blow their top if you have any objections. Just remember not to be shocked if in the very next breath, they ask about how your day was (not that they care. It's just to make conversation). If you happen to catch a Aries in a mistake, hell will freeze over before they admit to any failure and do not try to lecture them or give any advice at all. I'm serious. If you are one of the rare people who have an Aries come to you with a problem, do not speak. Just listen and nod and if you have to say anything, just tell them that they'll figure it out/work it out/solve the problem. This is the only thing they'll want to hear anyway. If you happen to run into the bossy Aries, do exactly what they say without any opposition. Other than advice and being told what to do, they hate when you don't listen to them or go along with the asinine ideas they come up with. It gives them a headache and makes them pissy. Not that it takes much to do that. I'll have to congratulate anyone who has a longstanding friendship with a Aries because...wait. What's that? No one does? That is not surprising.

Taurus - The Bull (***)

Jealous, possessive, resentful, inflexible, self-indulgent, greedy. Romantic relationships with the Bull is not a good idea since they are more paranoid than someone who's just taken LSD. They will swear up and down you are cheating and will go to great lengths to prove it. Don't allow anyone to look at you either. What belongs to Taurus, stays with Taurus and Taurus does not share, you got that? These people are slow and boring and did I mention paranoid? If you happen to be behind a slow-moving vehicle and they won't let you pass? Don't assume it's an old person. It could be a Bull. Since they are as entertaining as watching a cow chew grass, don't expect them to be the life of the party. Don't even expect them to attend the party. Between the time it takes for you to invite them and the time it takes for them to decide whether to attend, you'll age noticeably. Since they hate change... only give them dollar bills. (Ha ha. A little joke) but seriously, you can be killed or maimed by a Taurus if you pull a Chandler and decide to move any of their furniture around. Like a Bull, it might takes some time and effort but they will get you and expect it to be in full force. Don't worry though, these folks move slow. Between the snorting and all the smoke blowing, you'll have plenty of time to get out the way.

Gemini - The Twins (**)

Nervous, tense, superficial, inconsistent, cunning, inquisitive. Can you say nosy? This scatterbrain loves getting into other people's business and gossip, to them, is like chocolate. They are called the twins and that's because it's like dealing with two people who have a combined IQ of a crayon. They love the finer things in life and these sneaky folks know how to get what they want. They do not know the meaning of loyalty or friendship since they literally go where the wind blows. The only two people Gemini can not stand to be around, is themselves. Being alone forces them to think and that's just cruel. They are the life of the party since they love to talk and entertain. They are like circus jugglers, colorful, entertaining, and a lot easier than they look. Gemini's are chronically single and will not hesitate to go after anyone who catches their fancy. When out for the chase, their brain-cells magically increase and you could just find yourself without a mate. It's easy enough to get your honey back though. Just put your hands on Gemini's shoulders and turn them around, facing away from your lover. See? Easy as Gemini, I mean, pie.

Cancer - The Crab (**)

Changeable, moody, overemotional, clinging, unable to let go. I have a cousin who's a Cancer and once when we were kids, she wanted to play with my favorite doll. Being as it was my doll, I said no. She then flung herself on my bed and cried like she was being killed. Doing anything to shut her up, I gave her the doll and her sobs halted. The smile that lit her tear-stained face made me want to smack her and that's when I got my first lesson in dealing with Crabs. Cancers are whiny and like to wallow in pity. You can hurt their feelings by just glancing at them in a bad way and don't you dare end a relationship with one. They will pull out every weapon in their emotional arsenal and you will have to pry their stalker-like hands from off you. Classic Cancer quote? "If I can't have you? Nobody can!" They mean that since entering into a relationship with them is the equivalent of leaving the mob, once you are dead, then you are out. If you happen to date a saintly Crab, then I suggest you make a seat for yourself in hell, since they will follow you to and around Heaven. Also, Cancer males are mommy's boys. I have yet to meet one who hasn't cut the apron strings. They will see nothing wrong with moving mom in with you guys and she will probably take his spot in bed (him being a gentleman and all). Don't expect him to read any signs of your displeasure since they are very self-centered. If you happen to explode at him after holding it in for so long, he will be surprised, ask what the problem could possibly be and then cry. That will not please mother, so you'll have to go. Try not to run for the door.

Leo - The Lion (*****)

Pompous, patronizing, bossy, interfering, dogmatic, intolerant. Upon meeting anyone, ask what their birthday is and if they say any date between July 23^rd and August 22^nd? Run fast and far. Give them any excuse on why you're leaving but leave. Leo's are the high-maintenance queens of the zodiac and just like a lion, they love to preen and they take up space but their roar is worst than their bite. Remember that Cancer cousin I talked about? Well I made the big mistake of working for her mom, a Leo. That is one year of my life I'll never get back. They love to give unsolicited advice and they know everything. If you are a fan of being belittled or patronized, then you have to get a Leo friend. Just don't be surprised if you find yourself shining their shoes from time to time and complimenting them. Remember the little info about their bite? Just like rubbing the belly of an angry beast, compliment a Leo and watch the embers of their anger die out. They love flattery and attention. Nothing makes them happier then being in the center of a lot of people and having all those people look at them in awe and worship. Low self-esteem is not an issue for Leos unless they have to prove themselves intellectually. Since they aren't the smartest bulb in the pack, they make up for it by being aggressive and loud and the little useless info they do know, they will be quite proud of. If you happen to work for a Leo, then God bless you. God bless you.

Virgo - The Virgin (****)

Fussy, a worrier, overcritical, harsh, perfectionist, conservative.. If you happen to have a friend who is a Virgo, then you are either a Virgo yourself or a new, rare breed of human being. Virgos have a hard time connecting with people since others cannot be so robot-like. They love order, cleanliness and lists and can spot a flaw like a dog looking for a bone. Virgo is better than you and although they have the decency not to rub it in (like neighbor Leo) they will let you know in a dignified, quiet, nose-in-the-air sort of way. If you happen to feel bad about yourself around the Virgin, then count yourself one in many since they are good at making regular folk feel like the hell-bound heathens we are. Do not even think about asking them to partake in anything that might offend their delicate and pure senses. After they give you a look that could stop time, they will tell you a few choice things and by the time they're done, you'll want to crawl under a rock and die. Do not tell a Virgo you are going to do anything because you will regret it. They will bug the hell out of you and stand over your shoulder to make sure it's done right. Statistically Virgos are murdered more than any other star sign. Is it really all that shocking?

Libra - The Scales (*)

Indecisive, changeable, gullible, easily-influenced, flirtatious, self-indulgent. Libra are forgettable people, meaning, there is nothing outstanding about them. While writing this, I had to look up what sign came after Virgo and I consider myself a connoisseur of the zodiac. These people should stay away from pyramid schemes, cults, casinos, con-artists and drunkards since they can be taken easily. I hit the jackpot when I met a gentlemen who is a Libra and a multi-thousandaire. I'm slowly milking my Libra cash cow and as long as I continue to be charming and believable, I think I may be set for life. The latest investment he's involved in is something I got straight from Seinfeld. He's a major investor in my Human Fund campaign and when he starts to ask too many questions. I'll move on to my next venture, Save the Pigeons (he loves birds). It is actually very hard to dislike a Libra and if you need an example, then close your eyes and imagine hating the air in your room. You can't, can you? You can't hate it but you can't exactly love it and you have to remind yourself it's there. Well, that's Libra. Just make a conscious effort to acknowledge them. Store it in the same place in your mind where you remember to unplug the iron and turn off the stove. Wait...it's not that important.

Scorpio -The Scorpion (****)

Jealous, resentful, compulsive, obsessive, secretive, obstinate. Okay, I admit, this is a hard one since my boyfriend is a Scorpio but I promised to bring you fair and balanced coverage and by God, I am going to do just that! Scorpios are scary, dark and dangerous individuals. If anyone can hold a grudge for years, even when everyone else has forgot, it's the Scorpion. They can walk away from something easy enough when they feel things are done but if they aren't ready to let go, they won't and don't try to pry their stalker-like claws from you or you'll pay dearly, even if it's years from now (it'll just make it easier since you'll be old and defenseless). They tend to do things in extreme and love to indulge. Scorpios never do things half-assed and they'll scare the crap out of you in how determined and forceful they can be. Jealousy is another big issue since Scorpio hate to share and is the biggest pessimist you'll ever met. On top of that, they treat everything like a big secret and getting them to tell you things is like trying to pull teeth. They have this thing with being weak and letting people take advantage of them and some serious trust issues worthy of years in therapy. One day, I went to visit my sweetie and he mentioned how good I looked. I of course, thanked him and then he got this look on his face. He asked quietly if I had been sleeping with anyone. I had no idea why he'd ask that (like that has something to do with how fantastic I looked) but knowing his nature, I immediately answered no and he lit up. I know him well enough now but a small, small part of me wanted to say, yes, I slept with your brother (I really didn't). The look on his face would have been priceless but I value the relative safety I have and I could never hurt him like that. I know he could read this and plot his revenge to get me although I said it wasn't true but I'm not worried. Scorpios are nice to look at but they can't read all that well. Known fact boys and girls.

Sagittarius -The Archer (**)

Blindly optimistic, careless, irresponsible, superficial, tactless, restless. Want to punish a Sagittarius? Mention pregnancy or marriage. They are the easiest sign to get rid of and wouldn't know responsibility and commitment if it stood in front of them and danced. They are so happy-go-lucky and care-free that from time to time your palm with itch to slap them and although they are quite popular, they don't stick around long enough to take advantage of it. Don't you dare bother Sag with details. They don't want to hear it since they don't care and if you insist on it, you'll find yourself watching them walk away. They're going to walk away anyway, but nagging will get the job done a lot quicker.

Capricorn - The Goat (****)

Pessimist, fatalistic, miserly, grudging. All Capricorns have the soul of old man Roberts in them. Don't know old Mr. Roberts? Well, before his passing, he was 76 and rich but you'd never know he had money. He clipped coupons and collected change. He yelled at the neighborhood kids for playing in his yard and instead of purchasing the paper and having it delivered to him, he stole his neighbors. Roberts was known as a hard worker in his youth and even in old age, he got up every morning and did wood shop work in his garage. He was famous for having a routine that hadn't changed for over 30 years. His wife left him in 72' and he hadn't heard from his daughters since the early 80's. He didn't complain though and could be heard saying that women were trouble and when they got the right to vote, things took a turn for the worst. Roberts did like to have his fun from time to time. He'd pop open a bottle of Coca-Cola and watch The Laurence Welk Show with the sound turned up on his old black and white television. He's tap his foot to the music till the strain of it made him tired and then he'd doze off. He didn't give to charity and would take money from the cups off the Christmas tree that was put up in the local park every year. He brought a plain grave sight near the expressway since it was the cheapest plot and two pine coffins. He made it clear that no one was going to get his money and he wanted it buried underneath him in one of the coffins. Old man Roberts died alone in his garage while running a chainsaw. It was his birthday and he was making himself a fence to keep those damn kids out of his yard. Only one pine box was buried in that plot and he was in it. To this day, no one knows where all that money went. His neighbor (whose paper he stole for all those years) was last seen opening an account and when they inquired about the large sum of money he was depositing, he smiled and said it was severance pay.

Aquarius - The Water-Bearer (**)

Intractable, contrary, perverse, unpredictable, unemotional, detached. If you tell a Aquarius the sky is blue, he will swear it's yellow and try to back it up with a bunch of intellectual mumbo-jumbo. Over-Bearers like to imagine they are smarter than they really are when in fact, they are just weird. They have some of the strangest habits and you never know what to expect from them. They are first-class know-it-all's and if they happen to have the facts mixed up (like they always do) they will argue how right they are and you'll agree just to get them to shut up. They love the past and the thought of the future and tend to miss out on things because they are thinking and it's usually about nothing. Famous for making empty promises, do not take the word of an Aquarius if you don't have to. They don't do it purposely. They just have so much going on in their minds, that they forget. They are also perverts and quite deviant and some say it's because of how smart they are but that's crap. They are just perverted. Don't expect any type of emotion or shows of affection from them because you won't get it. You'd be better off fishing with a fork. When you know one, expect them to tell you lots of useless information and if you allow it, they will drone on. If you end up feeling like you could take that fishing fork and putting it in your eye, you're not alone. If you want to really aggravate an Aquarius or make them go away, cry buckets or back up your statements with undeniable, proved facts. They aren't built to handle that.

Pisces - The Fishes (**)

Escapist, idealistic, secretive, vague, weak-willed, easily-led. Ah, the dumping ground of the zodiac. Pisces is a clump of clay made up of all the other signs but don't be fooled, Pisces have their own particular brand of crazy. They have loyalties to no one and everyone and if you push hard enough, you can shove them into doing anything. These folk love to drink and like fishes, you'd be amazed at the amount of liquid they can inhale. They also love drugs and anything else that brings pleasant feelings including falling in love. Pisces individuals are not big on commitment and can jump from partner to partner like a frog bumping his ass on log after log. They also love to reside in a fairy-land that the rest of us can't quite see or visit. When they get that useless, faraway look in their eyes, you know that mentally, they are no longer with us, so you'd better take a bathroom break. They hate meanness or shallowness and if you yell at them or criticize them, they will run away. Don't worry if you don't have the heart to dare say a negative word to the wimp, they'll leave anyway. They enjoy their own company too much and don't have to listen to any incessant nagging about saving money, getting a job, joining AA, flushing the toilet...you get the hint.