When Attacked by a Bully, Where Do You Fall on the Continuum?

The diagram above describes the behavioral responses to any frightening situations such as attacks from bullies. A continuum is a bit like a number line. Your reaction might fall in the most extreme positions on the behavioral continuum (far left or far right) or somewhere in between.

When any of us are threatened by a bully, it activates our FIGHT OR FLIGHT Instinct. We might try to FIGHT off this behavior with our words or some form of physical attack. Depending on the nature of our response, that could either be categorized as an ASSERTIVE or an AGGRESSIVE response to conflict. ASSERTIVE responses to conflict are those responses acted out in a positive manner. AGGRESSIVE responses to conflict are usually acted out in a negative manner. On the other hand, we might resort to the FLIGHT mechanism of shutting down or running away in some form or another. Usually, when we give in to our FLIGHT instincts, we are reacting PASSIVELY.

As indicated above, there are three responses to bullying-type behavior. Many victims of bullies react in a PASSIVE manner. Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero with a Thousand Faces, would call this type of behavior by the archetypal name called the "Silent Child." Other victims of bullies might fit, to a varying degree, the archetypal category of the "Rage-aholic." People that respond by fighting back in some negative way usually are considered to be acting with AGGRESSION. The third archetypal response is the "Communicator." People that use their words and actions in a positive manner are responding to conflict in an ASSERTIVE manner. [See the three sections below for a full description of a these three behavioral responses.]

Silent Child: Passive reactions include crying (either in front of the bully or when alone), rolling eyes, snubbing, starting false rumors, pouting, moping, whining, giving in, resorting to the silent treatment, running away, numbing the emotions through substance abuse or comfort food, or ending your life are all indications that you or that other person is like what the author of The Hero with a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell, would call the Silent Child. These are people who only demonstrate a token show of resistance and who never or rarely attempt to get help from a teacher or another adult they trust. The people who choose to react passively have transformed themselves into a convenient punching bag for any bully who is looking for a target.

Rage-aholic: When you react to bullies with some form of anger or rage, Joseph Campbell would categorize your behavior as approaching that of the Rage-aholic. Aggressive reactions include calling names, cursing, yelling, screaming, hitting, kicking, pushing, making threats, and fighting. Aggression breeds more aggression. The bully calls you a name. You call him a name back. He calls you a worse name. You call him a worse name back. He hits you. You try to hit him back. He tries to hit you again or maybe even gets another bully to join with him so that it is now two against one. Then maybe you get someone else to join with you so it is two against two. This could go on and on until it turns into not just a battle but a war. Perhaps you're successful at first in resisting this bully. Perhaps you are not. Eventually, the bully will feel he or she has overpowered you, or perhaps you actually managed to overpower him or her. If you won the battle, he will simply look for an easier target to bully. If he won the battle, he will most likely come after you again and again.

Communicator: When you react to bullies using your words and actions in some positive way, Joseph Campbell would say your behavior would rank you as being deserving of the name of the Communicator. This is high praise indeed. A Communicator is responding to conflict in an ASSERTIVE manner. For after all, reacting PASSIVELY or AGGRESSIVELY toward bullies rarely works. Instead, do your homework by training yourself to use ASSERTIVE tactics instead. One dictionary states that ASSERTIVE means "to put oneself forward bodily or forcefully." Being ASSERTIVE takes a whole lot of courage to do. For example, you can set firm boundaries with people when they are disrespecting you. You can say nicely but very firmly, "You know, it is not okay for you to put me down. I expect you to stop that if you truly want to keep being my friend." Assertive tactics can take many different forms. Some Assertive tactics can include using humor, remembering to breathe, and asking the bully a sincere question such as, "Are you having a bad day? Would you like to talk about it?" Other Assertive responses to conflict include sincere apologies, responsible reporting as opposed to tattling and snitching, compromise, talking it out, trying to create a WIN-WIN outcome, active listening, respecting, understanding others, manners, I Messages, firmly setting boundaries, acting on morals, and self-mentoring. Another good strategy is making certain you have friends and allies on your side. Go out of your way to be friendly and maintain your friendships rather than allow yourself to be isolated. There is strength in numbers. Perhaps you could join a club or get involved in school or church functions. Find at least one adult you feel you can trust to confide in should a bully decide to come after you. If that particular adult is not capable of being helpful in the way you need, find another one. Your school guidance counselor would probably be your obvious first choice; however, there are also trusted teachers, the principal, the school social worker, the school security officer, a preacher at your church, your parents or guardians, the manager of a community center, a trustworthy neighbor, and possible others who could be helpful to you. To tell someone about the bullying is not considered tattling or snitching. Instead, you are using responsible reporting by seeking help from someone who has the power to give you the assistance you need. Additionally, it is possible, that secretly inside, the bully may even thank you. Perhaps that bully is spiraling out of control, longing for someone who has the ability and the power to reign him or her back in before the bully does something that could land him or her in juvenile detention, jail, prison, or the graveyard. If you have access to the internet, you might even want to go to some of the bully forums and message boards and report what has been happening to you. Some of your readers might be able to give you suggestions. Also, it is sometimes helpful to know that you are not the only one suffering in that particular way. Knowing that there are others out there who understand how you feel and truly care can be quite helpful. The bottom line is to not give up. There is a solution out there. There are lots of people out there, including me, who really care about you and want the best for you.

In conclusion, should you ever be attacked by a bully, where on the continuum will your behavior fall? Will it be closer to FIGHT or FLIGHT? Will you respond in a PASSIVE, AGGRESSIVE, or ASSERTIVE manner? Will you react like a Silent Child, a Rage-aholic, or as a Communicator? The choice, of course, is up to you. I would urge you to use your brain and your street smarts and your instincts to choose the positive form of FIGHT by responding to his or her attack in a firm and ASSERTIVE manner by being a Communicator. Communicate to the bully in a positive way. Work to find a way where you both could win. If need be, tell someone about the bullying should you not be able to stop it on your own. You have the right to be free of bullying. Be aware that there are many caring people, young and old, who support you in that right. Be strong. Hang in there. Reach out to others. Best wishes to you for now and for always.