When Cancer Invades the Family

After the fall to the ground, I drag him to the car, we lived in the country and I knew there was no time for an ambulance, Drove like a maniac but got there in about 13 minutes. (Normal drive is 25) Once there we get him into the emergency room and the Doctor's swarm around him, Most of this at the time was a complete blur for me. We were married for 26 years at the time. He then was flown to a hospital 2 hours away, no room in the helicopter for me, had to drive, yeah right, At any rate after the dust settled we were told that he had a massive heart attack, and that he had sustained 35 % heart damage. But he may fully recover. That meaning he could return to work but with limitations.

This he did, quite well actually, he returned to work in January and by April he had more problems which we felt were probably due the heart attack. But, no it was far worse than that. After examining him they ran a few tests, Especially after I had asked about his fingertips, They were Rounded at the tips, They were not like that prior to the heart attack, but I had noticed it about a month afterward. The Doctor said it was called clubbing, and it usually was associated with something far different, but not necessarily the heart. OK, well we wait for the test results, That was Friday, The Doctor called on Saturday and asked me if I was alone, I said no, He said, Good Now sit down. He then proceeded to tell me that my husband had a rather large mass on his right lung and it was imperative to get him to a lung specialist right away. And the clubbing usually came from end stage terminal illness of some sort, Well that is when cancer invaded our entire family, It was April 25th of 2000. We fought with him and for him as a family, My daughter was 16 then and really couldn't grasp what was going on, So we made her do all the normal things teens do and we dealt with it as best we could, Each trip worse than the last, It spread to his bones first and then the brain, He lost his battle on December 22,2002. Things change so much when this happens, Every little thing we so arrogantly take for granted become our most prized possessions, We noted the sunrises and sunsets more, The smell of fresh cut grass, the leaves turning in the fall, all so much more vividly than ever before.

When he passed, I thought my life was over, and at that time, I wished it was. After the funeral home, Christmas eve, I went home, and the first thing I saw was his Camouflage jacket hanging where it had been forever, It was my pillow that night as I clung to it and cried for most of the night, How does one come back from that, What do you do? Well, I will tell you what I did. I cried every day for a year at least, did not want to leave the house, but forced myself to, I had to work so I went back and got a CNA license and worked a nursing home for awhile. That was, I think to see if I had done all I could for him. Found out, yes, I did all the things you can do, That helped with the healing. But the thing that helped the most were his words as he fought the cancer, They were these. "As much as it builds my ego to think that you will hang on to me forever, I do not want that for you, You are young and still have a lot to give, and I want you to live and do all things the same"