When a Child Dies
Don't search your brain for something positive to say about the situation. A parent doesn't need to hear you trying to put a positive spin on their child's death. What they need is your love and support. Please avoid saying such inane things as "It was God's will" or "God must have needed another little angel." If you have lost a child then maybe it is okay to say, "I know how you feel." Otherwise do not say it nor indicate that you can imagine their pain. You can't...not ever. Another thing to avoid saying is "Time will heal this wound." While they are adjusting to the shock of the death of their child isn't the time to let the parents know that they will eventually get over this. They won't. They lost their child; time will not heal that fact. Telling the parents that "You are young enough to have another child" is totally inappropriate. Children are not interchangeable.
Instead focus on positive memories of the child that died. Tell the parents a story about their child. This is a way to let them know that you remember him/her. You will validate their existence and let the parents know their child made an impact on you. A simple "I'm sorry your child died" will do if you don't have any other thing to say. Be careful not to tell the parents what to do. They are the child's parents; thus they get make the final decisions on everything related to the child.
Being emotional is normal. Crying is okay. The death of a child is something to cry about. Perhaps your tears will led to a healthy release of tears by the parents. Telling funny stories about their child will also help the parents. Laughter at the funeral home is okay; it helps heal the pain.
Offer to help in anyway you can. If they have other children, perhaps you could offer to baby-sit. Run errands for them. They may be unable to do the grocery shopping, gather their mail, do their yard work or house keeping. Offer to do it for them. If someone has made a gift in their child's name offer to help them write thank you notes. Be there when they need someone to listen to them talk about their child. In their grief, they may need to repeat the same things over and over again. You will need to be patient, nonjudgmental and have an open heart to help in this way.
After the funeral is over, stay in contact with the parents. All the support they received at the funeral was wonderful, but they need support the following weeks and months. Keep in mind that near the anniversary of the child's death or his/her birthday will be a hard time; be there to show your love and support. Don't be afraid to talk about the child and do use his/her name in conversation. Somehow, talking about a dead loved one helps ease the pain. Just keep in mind that it's okay to say positive things about the child's life, but never is it okay to put a positive spin on the child's death. Remember, hugs are good. Sometimes a person just needs a hug more than they need words.
Resource:
http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/how_can_I_help.htm
Published by Genie Walker
Genie Walker is an amateur photographer, gardener, philosopher who also needs to write to feel complete. She supports her writing habit by working as a Librarian and a Reiki Master III. Her articles cover... View profile
- A Christian Woman's Guide to Grieving the Death of a ChildPart 3 of my 11 part series dedicated to providing women a way to counsel other women.
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Dealing with the Death of a Child: The Traumatic Story of Having a Child...My story of the loss of my daughter and how I used it to help others. Kyra's death was going to be used to try to reach out to others experiencing the same feelings.- A Death of a Child - How You Can Help the Family Cope with Their LossWhen a child dies the family is left with a grief that many of us thankfully never have to feel. Here are some things you can do to help the family.
- My Story of Dealing with the Death of My ChildWhat happens when your child dies? Mother talks about her experience with dealing with the grief, healing and memories after her child died of SID
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- Focus on positive memories of the child that died
- Be willing to give a hug or a simple touch to show that you care.
- After the funeral is over, stay in contact with the parents
30 Comments
Post a Commentgood work, thanks!
Is there anything more difficult to face? Good suggestions about what to avoid. The idea that God must have needed another angel in Heaven is blasphemous to God, anyway. He didn't take the child. He hates death and will soon do away with it. The only true comfort is actually from the Scriptures, which indicate a deceased person is merely at rest, and has a great opportunity to live again one day, in the Resurrection.
I like hearing "I will always remember Susie." I liked hearing that at my father in laws funeral.
Well written and very good suggestions! Our first child passed away when he was 5 days old - but my experience could be very different than another parent's who loses a child, so I don't say "I know how you feel".
Well done. Since I don't have kids, I never say "I know how you feel" to anyone. I just tell them how sorry I am an keep quiet. Just being there in silence shows support.
Very well done. This is a hard subject to write on but you hit on a very good point. Lend an ear and let the family aire their hearts.
Genie what good advice and tips you have offered here. It can be awkward but these are a great guideline. The same principals can apply to adults too.
Very good article. One of my friends lost her first two babies, one a few hours after birth and one at 11 months. When someone loses a child she's always one of the first people to go to them. Another friend lost a son in college, and she, too, always rushes to the side of anyone she knows who loses a child. I know it helps the grieving to have a person there who has experienced the same loss. But the worst thing I ever heard was when my daughter's classmate was killed in an accident. I went to see her mother and heard another woman who had lost her son say, "Don't ever let anybody tell you it will get easier, because it won't!" What a horrible thing to say to a grieving mother.
A tough time for anyone and difficult for others too. A well thought-out article and practical advice - siva
When my best friend's sister died, I was shocked. The girl was my age- we were also friends. We bawled on the phone for hours together, then met up and hung out, sharing the hilarious bar stories we had together in her last days. On the anniversary of her sister's death, we released red balloons into the sky. We still laugh over the day she tripped over a speed bump and spilled her purse contents everywhere- it keeps her alive. You're right, don't ignore the family (I talk to my BFF mom all the time) and remember the good times...