When Your Child is Out of Control

Trying to help our daughter who was "out-of-control" relate in our family required my wife and I to define success by measuring one small "baby step" achievement after another. It also meant we had to work with a team called Therapeutic Behavioral Specialists. TBS workers had their own personal style and we had used the techniques that we were "re-learning" with their input.

What did "out of control" look like? As she entered her teen years, we were unable to direct her to do a task as simple as putting away silverware from the dish washer or pick up her room. Forget asking her to empty the trash because that wasn't about to happen. She threw screaming fits at home when homework time rolled around and no one at dinner could speak with her unless they were willing to risk a personal explosion. Perhaps the best way to state the situation was she wasn't out of control. She was clearly in control and we were trying to plan the most effective ways to have her comply with what we asked.

While this type of behavior could happen with a child born into any family, our daughter was adopted just like all of our children. She came to us at five weeks of age. Her birth mother died in a drug house so she was likely exposed to drugs and alcohol during pregnancy, although she was not officially labeled a "drug baby." There is a strong likelihood that she was born with fetal alcohol syndrome. She is on various medications, too, yet she was given to extreme anger and yelling fits. She was clinically diagnosed as "oppositional defiant" by age 8. Intellectually, she functions around the age of 7 and will probably never function higher than that. Trying to give her reward and punishment scenarios was difficult because she almost never responded to positive incentives.

While each of the TBS workers who came into our home were helpful, there was woman in particular who developed a strong rapport with our daughter and she has given us helpful guidelines which I'm sharing here.

Setting out a clear structure and consistent expectations is the first step. That means waking up a set time each day to do individual tasks such as brushing teeth, washing her face, taking a shower and getting dressed. There are times when having a point system to reward positive behavior is helpful and not deducting points for tasks that aren't done.

In the afternoon and evening, consistent expectations must also be set out. First, we gave her space after she arrived home from school. We started having her place her lunch bag on the kitchen counter and step out of the kitchen without demanding a snack. Then, I would let her know I was expecting her to do a task such as homework when she was finished with her free time.

A time chart worked well: 15 minutes or 30 minutes of free time, then another 15 minutes of homework time, followed by a 5-minute break.

TBS is normally a 90 day to 120 day service. But we were able to get extensions lasting up to 8 months. There were improvements in her behavior and we found other, creative ways to get her to comply.

Repeating directives through made up songs and tunes became especially fun. Try to put "It's time to brush your teeth, hey, isn't that neat?" to music. You might feel silly singing it, but a child or even a teenager who can't comply will find it fun.

Consistent phrases to keep her focused is also a part of the strategy. If she becomes confused then we'll simply say "first things first" and direct her on task. Her attention span has been as short as literally one minute. Now, she can sit down and do basic math problems for 10 to 15 minutes at a time.

Since she's now 16, we let her know we're talking to her as a "young lady." This is important because some day she'll be living either in a group home or in an independent living arrangement. We also verbally remind her that we will no longer treat her like a child.

We also try to give her two options when explaining consequences and we remind her to "handle her business."

Lastly, we've been reminded by one person we highly respect to not give in or give up on new methods and strategies. And when she does succeed, we strongly praise her in front of the other kids.

We did have a breakthrough. She finished all her school work in the classroom because she wanted to earned the right to attend a big football game. Her team lost, but we feel hopeful that as parents we're winning the little battles to help her comply and have a productive future.