When Your Child Refuses to Attend College: A Higher Education Professional's Advice

If you're a parent who strongly values higher education and sees college as a necessary part of your child's future, the last thing you want to hear is that he or she has other plans. When presented with such news, you may feel a range of emotions from shock to anger to disappointment. While you may be tempted to convey to your child that enrolling in college is non-negotiable, doing so could possibly cause you more frustration in the end.

Having worked as a college instructor, counselor and academic advisor, I can assure you that forcing your child to attend college is not a good idea. While some parents do this and are pleased at the transformation that takes place in their child during the college years, many others come to realize that there's truth to the saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."

Ultimately, it is your child who must assume the responsibility of attending classes, studying hard, completing assignments, passing exams and meeting all of the requirements for graduation. Furthermore, attending college can be very expensive, and even scholarships and federal funds can be suspended if your child does not achieve success in school. Oftentimes, parents who force college on their kids - only to watch them slack off and/or fail - end up becoming angry and resentful.

If your child has expressed that he or she does not wish to attend college, I would suggest that you initiate further dialogue on the subject instead of taking things at face value. There could be a number of reasons why your child feels this way, and it's important to try to understand where they are coming from instead of being quick to overreact. You can begin this process of communication by taking the following steps:

Step #1: Hear them out. Your child is now a young adult and will begin to make decisions for how to live his or her life. Silencing them by yelling or giving ultimatums will not increase the desire to attend college. In fact, it may only exacerbate the problem. The best thing that you can do up front is listen. Ask them why they feel that college is not for them and avoid the temptation to interrupt with 101 reasons why they should attend.

Step #2: Calmly express your concerns. After your child has explained why they don't wish to attend college, you can express your concerns. Avoid flying off the handle, as this will prove counterproductive. Also, it is wise to keep your part of the discussion short and to the point. They already know that you disagree with their decision, so there's no need to drill this into their head.

Step #3: Encourage an informed decision. The decision not to attend college is sometimes made based on a lack of information or information that is false. Have you visited any colleges or universities together? Does your child know what their job prospects are without a college degree? Are they inundated with examples of celebrities, athletes and other individuals who have "made it" without a college degree? Encourage them to make a decision that is based on facts and not just feelings or images presented by the media. Offer to help them research this information, but don't force it on them.

Step #4: Suggest a compromise. The word "compromise" is not necessarily a favorite among parents when it comes to raising their children, but remember that your child is now a young adult and in order to be effective in teaching them certain life lessons, you may have to change your approach. On the subject of college, one compromise might be to hold off on making a firm decision until they have attended several college fairs or open houses. Another might be to take a class or two at a community college, or complete an Associate Degree program.

Step #5: Give them time. Just because your son or daughter does not see college in their future today does not mean they will feel this same way a few years down the road. I have met with hundreds of students who waited to attend or return to college until they saw how valuable a college education was in their lives. Some were given incentives by their employers to earn a college degree while others simply gained the desire from being out there in the world and gaining a greater understanding about what they want out of life.

Step #6: Set an example. If you have never attended college or did not finish, your child may not see the value or point of higher education. I have a very good friend whose oldest son did not do well in college and eventually decided to take a break. My friend was disappointed but realized that he had put too much pressure on his son because he wanted him to do better than he himself had done in life. "I just want him to have the education that I never had," my friend once told me. However, after thinking about it, he realized that perhaps he should focus on his own education. He is now the first person in his family to earn a college degree - and his son has returned to school!

In short, you cannot force your child to see the value of a college education. This is something that they must discover on their own. While you can offer some parental support and guidance, the best thing that you can do if your child doesn't want to go to college is help them understand that decisions always come with consequences and therefore should never be made lightly. The more you can convey this point and encourage intelligent decision-making, the better you will prepare them for the future. Above all, it is important to reaffirm the unconditional love that you have for them as a parent. You cannot force your child to go down a specific path, but you can welcome them with love and open arms when they return to tell you what they have learned.