When Debt Collectors Won't Let Go

Thanks to an identity theft ring possibly connected to the 911 terrorists, my apartment has become skip tracer central. Yes, even though all the branches of law enforcement from the State Controller's office to the Federal Bureau of Investigation have been unable to find hide or hair of this merry band of desperadoes, it has become customary for the skip tracers of the world to call my apartment night and day in the fond hope of tracing down a deadbeat who is equally apt to respond with a check or live rounds of ammunition.

What do you do if the collection agencies of the world decide that you are personally the one to find Osama Bin Laden and bring him to justice? A sense of humor couldn't hurt. That, an answering machine and a working connection to the internet.

Because anyone who is anyone has taken to using cell phones with disposable numbers that they can ditch in a trice, the skip tracers of the world have decided to latch onto the few remaining people who are traceable in the vain hope of capturing those who in the immortal words of Queen practice the rule: "To avoid complications, she never keeps the same address..."

Here are some signs of trouble. Should you foolishly answer your phone without screening first, you will hear dead air. Hang up immediately. It is a robo-dialer. Let them know you are present, and you will never hear the end of them. I've had calls all hours of the day and night, regardless of current laws. Allegedly, there is a sound file available on the internet that imitates the tone given by a non-working or disconnected phone. If you want to give it a shot, Google it, download and add it to the beginning of your answering machine, it can automatically disable robo-dialers.

I am an early riser with a cranky personality, so I prefer the blood sport of giving callers the rough end of my tongue. When I am in a particularly peppy mood I like to respond to the question of "May I speak to nonexistent person who moved to the hills of Afghanistan? Thusly, "You could speak to them, if you would just call their number."

I am amazed that they expect someone who has a different last name, lives in a different apartment number, and whom I have never met to be available on my phone in an instant. I know it takes a village to raise a child, but New York ain't exactly known for its cozy, neighborly ways.

A skip tracer demanded of an English friend of mine that she immediately locate an unknown party and command him or her to pay their debts. I suggested that instead of taking umbrage, she agree, run to the door, slam the door and then quietly sit by the phone waiting for the idiot to hang up. A few smart asses like that could ruin a skip tracer's day.

Some of us use internet answering machines like Callwave so that they can eak by with cheaper dial-up service instead of using broadband. Callwave will display a telephone number with the message, "Caller unavailable". If someone calls while you are on your computer, simply open up another browser window or tab and use Google, 800notes 800notes.com/Default.aspx, whocallsme whocallsme.com/ or whocalledus whocalled.us/ to reveal the scammers in all their fraudulent stupidity.

Or you can enlist the help of the phone company. Many people are not aware that there is a special call trace feature that will send calls directly to the police and DA's office for prosecution. While you will not be informed of the number or the person making that annoying hang-up call, the right people will be. A cancer survivor friend of mine, tormented by minions of Madame Cleo because she refused to pay a whacked out bill generated for a 5 minute call (she's German: she timed it with an egg timer.) used this feature to obtain justice. Madame Cleo's company of crooks and con artists is now dead. My friend is very much alive and kicking.

Do not assume that a simple, "Wrong number, please do not call again", will get them off your back. They are twice as toxic as poison ivy and spread much more quickly. Upon being informed that your number is a dead soldier, they will quickly re-sell it for whatever coins they may obtain. After a dormancy period, a new round of zombies will be onto you.

My recommendation is that you love, honor and obey your answering machine. Give the collection agencies none of your time and all of your contempt. And oh, by the way, I really hope that they do locate that Arab terrorist deadbeat who has escaped them so far.

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