When You Disagree with Your Pediatrician

Up until my son was 12 months old, he was fully vaccinated. After doing some research, I decided to be more selective. At his one year check-up, we declined MMR and Varicella. A nurse told me, "We've had an outbreak of mumps here in Colorado Springs. You really should reconsider!" My husband and I exchanged glances, before I replied, "Oh? And how many cases have you had?" She informed me that they'd had one case in a two year-old girl. The chances of my son randomly coming in contact with one infected child in this big city are smaller than the risk associated with the vaccine.

Chances are, at some point, you will disagree with a pediatrician or nurse. If you're lucky, you have a well-informed doctor who is respectful of other views. Unfortunately many myths circulate even the medical community about issues related to parenting. Doctors are well-educated, but they don't know everything. It may have been years since they graduated medical school, so their knowledge may be outdated. Your pediatrician may have valid concerns about your choices. He may also, however, be misinformed, especially about natural family living and attachment parenting.

Doctors can't help it if they are ignorant about something. Everyone in this world is ignorant to one fact or another. Many doctors are open to new ideas and will let you speak your case, accepting any new information of which they were unaware. Unfortunately, doctors are human, too, and they aren't all wonderful, accepting people. Some doctors are so sure they know what's best for you, they'll say or do anything to get you to do what they feel is right. Some will even lie or use scare tactics to manipulate you. Certain ones can even become abusive or threatening, bullying you into compliance.

You have to know the difference between valid concerns, misinformed, and manipulation. The easiest way to do this is to educate yourself and ask questions. Learn the myths surrounding your parenting choices. When you know the myths, you can tell when your doctor is just misinformed--or lying to manipulate you. Then you are better prepared to handle the situation.

Chances are, if the doctor is perpetuating a common myth, he doesn't realize it. A doctor is as likely as your next-door neighbor to be ill-educated about home-schooling or the dangers of sleep training your infant. He went to medical school to learn about health, not parenting practices or even child development. He also didn't spend an enormous time on each subject such as vaccination, breastfeeding, or circumcision. He may not have read the most recent research about those topics or have ample experience with toddlers who nurse or intact penises, being that its not so common. Even doctors believe myths about these topics.

If your doctor is telling you something that you know to be false that is not a common myth, he may be fibbing. It is easy to recognize when a doctor is lying or trying to scare you. If he says something that makes you fearful, he's probably using a scare tactic. Asking questions will help you know if a doctor is being honest. If he can't answer, if he answers in a manner that you know is false, or shows signs of being nervous, he's probably lying. If you threaten to check after him to make sure he is being truthful, the truth may come out, or he'll at least back off a bit. Be informed, and get information from him about the things he tells you.

If you believe your doctor is simply misinformed, preaching what is actually common myth, let him know. Show proof if you need to, if not at that visit then the next. Be polite about it. Just say "Actually, that's a myth" and tell him the truth. Hopefully the doctor will be open to this new information. At the very least he should be fascinated by it. He may have heard it before and attempt to discredit it, and that's fine. Have a pleasant discussion to see if you can come to an agreement. However, know that the pediatrician may also complete reject it or casually dismiss it. Hold firm; demand acknowledgement. Stand your ground, especially if you know he's misinformed.

If a doctor becomes abusive, threatening you or insulting you, do not tolerate it. Tell him you will not put up with it and that it's not acceptable. Do not be manipulated by threats, and do not let him make you feel unqualified to make healthcare decisions for your child. You have the right to switch to a different pediatrician. You can also report the doctor's behavior. Doctors will often say "I'm the one who has been to medical school!" because they know it can render the patient speechless. Have a good come back. "One doesn't need a medical degree to be capable of reading or learning from experience! You may have the degree, but I am the parent!" Stand up to him, and don't give in.

You also need to know how to recognize when a doctor is lying, because many will. A pediatrician may say, "I've got a baby upstairs dying of pertussis right now!" when trying to get you to give your baby the DTaP vaccine. Ask him how she caught it, how old she is, if she was vaccinated, what her immune system was like before becoming ill, what her prognosis is, and if you can see her. Ask if he reported the illness, as he is supposed to do with communicable diseases, and check to make sure it was reported. Before changing your mind about your decision, ask questions and check after the doctor. If you do decide he's right, come back another day after doing a bit more research rather than giving in that day.

Do not be manipulated or bullied into consenting to something that you don't feel is necessary or that you feel is potentially harmful. A doctor may threaten to call CPS on you or even tell you that the first time your child gets a cut, she'll get tetanus. Neither are true, and you have to learn your rights and learn the facts. Don't let a doctor use scare tactics or lies, and if you catch a doctor doing this, report him. There are plenty of pediatricians in the world that will not treat you in such a manner over disagreements about your parenting and your child's health.

Hopefully you are lucky enough to have a well-informed, open-minded doctor who is respectful of your views. If you have a phenomenal doctor with whom you see eye to eye on nearly everything, count your blessings. Not all doctors are perfect, and it can be hard to disagree with your doctor and come out ahead. Be informed. Ask questions. Stand your ground. Be polite as possible. If a doctor begins abusive, insulting, arrogant, or manipulative, don't be afraid to drop him for a new doctor and to report him. Most importantly don't give in to scare tactics or be manipulated by lies. Don't let them trick you into vaccinating, circumcising, weaning, or anything else with which you don't feel comfortable. You can raise a healthy child in your own style despite a doctor who disagrees!