When Divorce is Best

Introduction
Whenever someone hears the word "divorce", they automatically think it is such a sad thing, Some people think that parents should stay together "no matter what" for the children's sake. Others may just believe that divorce is wrong, or maybe it is against their religion. People stay married for many reasons. Some women may be afraid to be on their own. Others may be worried about how to provide for the children if they got a divorce. Those are just a few examples. But many people do not realize that staying married is not always the best thing to do. More studies are being done recently that are showing that, in some instances, divorce may be the best answer.

Expectations
Many couples start their marriage out thinking that everything will be just wonderful. He may think "she will take care of me from now on". And she may assume that "he can meet all of my needs". Each person has an expectation of what they think marriage will be. Unfortunately, it rarely turns out as expected. Marriage can provide love and comfort for each other, but it can't meet each other's every single need. People need to realize that getting married is a lot of hard work and dedication. Then when children are involved, it is imparative that both partners agree on a type of parenting. When parents disagree, it not only hurts them, but also the children (Hone, 2006, p.1)..

Constant Chaos
Sometimes, little things add up to big problems. Too often, people are quick to jump into a divorce without really trying to save the marriage. If the parents really do love each other, and want the marriage to work, then they should make every possible attempt to do so. When a child's parents are happy and get along good together, that is the best possible atmosphere for a child to grow up in. But on the other hand, if there is constant fighting and arguing, causing tremendous stress and tension in the home, then maybe it is best for the children that the parents DO get divorced (Heine, 2006, p. 2). It cannot be beneficial for a child to live in such a place. Whatever changes might occur due to the divorce would be much easier for a child to deal with than to live in fear or tension. The parents may also be better able to care for the children, both mentally and emotionally, if the tension and stress is removed from their lives.

Effects of divorce on children
Studies have shown that sometimes, a good divorce is better than a bad marriage (Heine, 2006, p. 1). According to Heine, there are three areas that can be addressed regarding the effects of children after divorce. 1) First, we need to consider what the child went through before the divorce. How much fighting went on in the home? If children were exposed to neglect, bitter arguments, or violent behaviors, then that is likely to negatively affect them even after the divorce. 2) How long did the negative behavior go on? And how often did it happen in front of the kids? Parents could have been fighting for a long time, but perhaps they were able to keep it from the children. 3) We also need to look at what happened after the divorce. Did it cause a financial strain to one or both parents? Was custody agreed upon smoothly, or did it become a battle between the parents? Also, too many adults tend to fight over children in a sort of emotional tug-of-war. (Payne, 2006, p. 2) This can cause tremendous pressure on the children. They may feel as though they must take sides, which could cause problems such as guilt, anger and confusion.

These are all things to be considered when looking at the effects that divorce has on children. Research is beginning to show that the negative effects on children do not necessarily start after the divorce, but may begin as far back as a year before the time of the divorce (Heine, 2006, p. 1). But divorce doesn't always have to be negative. If parents can focus primarily on the children, it is possible to have a "good divorce" (Rosen, 2006, p. 2). How well a child adjusts to a divorce depends on the relationship of their parents after they split up. Children can survive the experience of their parent's divorce, but they cannot survive as well if the parents are not able to act as two mature adults afterwards. (Burnard, 2000, p. 1). Fortunately, it seems as though parents are beginning to think about what is best for the child after the divorce.. One man wrote, "I finally decided that the more I fought with his mother, the more I was hurting him". (Payne, 2006, p. 2). If more people would realize that, it would help the children in so many ways. Society is also beginning to look at divorce differently. Divorced women are no longer looked upon as negatively as they once were. The notion of "broken families" is more commonly referred to now as "single-parent households". (Rosen, 2006, p. 2).

My comments
I personally found that last statement to be very true. In 1990, my mom got divorced. I was only 8 years old at the time. Whenever someone refered to me as being from a "broken home", I would say that our home used to be broken, but my mom fixed it by getting a divorce! I don't think people should give up too easily on theirs marriages. I believe that the vows given on a couple's wedding day should be for real. But I also feel that it takes two people to make a marriage work. When one person is trying to do it all, then it is no longer a partnership. And if the cons of the marriage begin to outweigh the pros, then it will not only have a negative affect on the marriage, but on the entire family.

I think the idea of a good divorce is the best solution to a bad situation. Hopefully, this will become a more frequent outcome of divorces. Children have many pressures to deal with while growing up. A divorce can only increase the pressure. But, even though the parents may be living apart, if they would work together, the children can still have a family.

References

Burnard, D. (2000). Children & Divorce, Retrieved November 10, 2006 from www.relatewell.com.au/link.htm

Heine, Dr. (2006). The Good Divorce, Retrieved November 14, 2006 from www.parentkidsright.com/print.php?s=pt-gooddivorce

Hone, P. (2006). When Parents Disagree, Retrieved November 14, 2006 from www.61v.com/family/parenting-relationships.html

Payne, M. (2006). Five Good Reasons I Stopped Seeing My Son After Divorce, Retrieved November 15, 2006 from www.ezinearticles.com

Rosen, M. (2006). The Family that Plays Together, Retrieved November 15, 2006 from www.lhj.com/more