When is Divorce the Best Solution?

It's usually difficult to know what to do when a marriage has fallen into a rut. Spouses have a lot invested in each other; not only are there matters like shared finances, assets, and living circumstances to consider, but also the whole emotional life that's been built up around the partnership. Ideally, people will want to consider every possible approach to saving a marriage before deciding to dissolve it. Marriage counselors can help to put the problems occurring within a relationship in perspective; they can also aid the personal growth and recovery of each partner in the event that they choose to separate.

Sometimes the issue is best addressed with a pragmatic approach: simply weighing the advantages of staying together versus the advantages of living apart. There is a lot to consider above and beyond how married couples feel about each other. They're likely to have shared friends, in-laws whom they've grown close to; perhaps they've become used to moving in similar social circles throughout the time that they've been together. If they have children together then this, of course, is a major factor to consider. It might be helpful to draw up a list of all the pros and cons, in order to see more clearly what one stands to gain and lose by making either choice.

Another way for partners to gauge the odds of their relationship surviving the long haul is for each of them to honestly examine their dreams and goals for the future. For example, do they have a shared vision to sustain them together beyond the time when their children have grown up and left the house? Do they foresee traveling, or changing careers, in their future? How will staying together, or divorcing, nurture or interfere with these goals?

The key is to form some kind of picture of how one's whole life might look as a result of making either decision. It can be disastrous to make an impulsive choice on the basis of hurt feelings or anger. Here is where counseling or therapy can help spouses to understand the destructive patterns within their relationship and hopefully learn to grow past them. This can only work, however, if both of them are committed to pursuing every option before deciding to throw in the towel. Seeking help can also give them a more realistic outlook on the future. If they're hoping for more romantic fulfillment with someone else, for example, can they really be sure that they won't repeat the same patterns with the next partner they find?

Many counselors agree that there are certain circumstances in which divorce may be the best answer. If one partner is abusive, addicted to alcohol or drugs, or extremely controlling, there may be no other option. Even in these cases, however, there can be hope if the partner is sincerely willing to seek help for their problem (and not merely promise to change, or "do better", in the future). Another malaise of a relationship can be harder to overcome: when partners have lost all sympathy or love for one another. If this is truly the case, then all the hardheaded labor and therapy in the world won't be able to put the pieces back together again. Going their own separate ways is probably the only solution.