When an Ex Dies

I had at least six boyfriends during my high school years and thought each and every one was true love. I was young and fickle and didn't really have a clue what love was. After high school I got engaged, only to call it off three months before the wedding. At age 21, I finally met someone and fell in love, true love, for the first time in my life.

His name was John and he was funny, outgoing and a little crazy--which made him all the more attractive to me. He had the bluest eyes and the warmest smile. We lived together in an apartment and had a loving, wonderful relationship for 4 years. When we decided to split up, it wasn't for the normal reasons. You see, he had been married previously and had a son. He had to obtain custody and I didn't want to be a mommy. Don't get me wrong, I love kids as long as I can give them back. But I had decided way back in high school that I didn't want any children or the financial burden or hassles of raising them. We went our separate ways, even though we loved each other, but made a promise to remain friends.

He met and eventually married a lovely woman who had 2 kids of her own. I met and married my first husband. John worked at a beverage store, so I made it a point to drop in there two or three times a year to buy wine and visit. He kept me up to date on his family and I kept him up to date on mine. During the next 25 years I divorced my first husband, remarried and divorced my second husband and married my third husband. He and his wife raised their "Brady Bunch" family and had another child. We were both where we needed to be in life and I was happy that he was happy. Then one day I went to the beverage store (after not being there for 4 or 5 months) and I was told by the owner that John had retired due to advanced cancer and that it was terminal. I walked out to my car, stunned. My heart was flip-flopping, my mind was racing and I couldn't see through my tears. I had always thought, for some crazy reason, that he'd always be there. I came home and told my husband and we sent him a card telling him that he was in our prayers. I prayed for him every night, hoping he could beat the deadly disease and live to see his youngest son graduate high school. A few months went by and he lost his battle November 17, 2005. His wife, who had been battling colon cancer for over a year died just 3 months later.

I have gone through a whirlwind of emotions over the last 2 years. My sympathy for his children, for losing both their dad and mom just a few months apart.. My own grief of losing a beloved friend. But because we were so close many years ago and even talked about marriage at one point, there were so many more feelings that I had to process and work through. The fact that he was only 57 was a big part of my pain and the fleeting thoughts of "if we would have married, I'd be losing my husband". On top of that was the undeniable fact of my own mortality. I still think of him often and have found his youngest son Jonathan on Myspace, where I've started a friendship. Occasionally I think of something about his dad when he was young, and I email him. He usually replies with "that sounds just like him". It's the very least I can do and somehow I know John would approve.

When an ex dies it can be a very complicated thing. If you had remained friends it can be devastating. If you broke up and hate each other, you might not care. But then again, it's hard not to remember the love you once shared. You may think about some of the happier times and find yourself in a pool of tears.