When and How to Explain Adoption to Your Adopted Child
However, many adoptive parents worry or fear telling their child that he or she is adopted. They fear the child will feel differently toward them after they know. This is not true. Children will still love the parents they have always known. Of course, they will be curious about their biological parents. That is perfectly natural. And yes, they may want to locate their birth parents and even meet them. This too is normal. It does not mean they will love you any less. After all, you have raised them. In many cases, the biological parents are complete strangers. They may come to know them and even love them, but it is not the same. The parents who have raised and loved the child will always be the "real" parents.
Even though adoptive parents often worry about telling their child they are adopted, most parents will and do tell their child. But how do you decide when the child is old enough and mature enough to handle such an important detail?
The truth is that only you, the parent, can make that decision. You know the child better than anyone else and will have to decide when you think he or she should be told. Some children are told they are adopted early, even before they actually understand what it means. Their parents make no conscious effort to keep it a secret. This is often the simplest and easiest solution. Just be sure that as soon as the child is old enough to have some concept of adoption that you do explain it to them.
Children will be curious. They will probably ask questions about why they were adopted and about their birth parents. Depending on their age and maturity, you can explain how you and Daddy were given the opportunity to adopt a child or baby. Tell them they were a gift from God, just like any baby or child is. The less importance you attach to the circumstances of their birth, the better. Who their biological parents were or why they allowed the child to be adopted may never be known. Unless you do know the true reasons for the biological parents' decision to give the child up for adoption, then tell the child that. What is known for sure, is that you, as the adoptive parent wanted them more than anything.
As the child gets older, he or she may start showing increased interest in knowing about their biological parents. Try not to take this as anything other than what it is: a need to know. Curiosity is a very strong attraction. The child is not trying to replace you or hurt you, he simply needs and wants to know things you probably cannot or will not tell him. There may also be medical issues and questions that only a biological parent can answer.
Many children search for and find their biological parents and even establish some type of relationship. Whatever that relationship becomes, it can never replace the love and care an adoptive parent or parents bestowed on their child over the years. So do your best to accept their curiosity and continue to do the job you have been doing for years, being their parent.
Published by Shelia West
I am the mother of two wonderful young adults and the grandmother of one highly intelligent and well mannered young man. (No bragging, just facts). Writing and reading have always been a source of enjoyment... View profile
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8 Comments
Post a Commentpart 2... better off with strangers. I love my adoptive mother; I love my natural mother more because she understands me on a level that my adoptive mother never could and never tried to.
I was told that I was adopted at such a young age that I don't remember being told, I just always knew. As far as I'm concerned, this is the only way it should be done - waiting until the "right" age means that you spend a certain amount of time lying to your adoptee and that is wrong. What is also wrong is the concept that adoption is always a wonderful thing. As has been said, adoption is based on loss, it is a complex issue that makes a huge impact on the lives of those involved, especially on the only person with absolutely no say in the matter, the adoptee. While you are reassuring adoptive parents that they are the real parents, that they are the only ones that matter, you are dismissing the adoptee experience as completely unimportant and irrelevant - but don't worry, we're used to that. You are also dismissing a biological family who may have longed to keep their child but because of socio-economic reasons, they were convinced by authoritative figures that their child would be
I am so tired of seeing "adoption is a beautiful thing". It is not a beautiful thing. It is an unnatural way to 'create' a family and never the best possible scenario for children. It is often necessary, however, in a perfect world there would be no adoption.
It is entirely possible for adoptees to love not only both sets of parents, but every last person in every one of their families. It's not about who is the real parent and who isn't. It's about a complex issue with many sides and many outcomes.
Adoption is not a win-win-win situation like you have tried to portray it. Fundamentally adoption is based on LOSS and that is something that people need to recognize before they skip to chapter 2 and work within the idea that it has created a new family. Birthparents lose their child. Adoptive parents often lose their dream of having a child biologically, or have actually lost children due to miscarriage/infertility. Adoptees lose access to their heritage, their medical history, a life growing up with people who genetically mirror them, and so much more. Let's not start at chapter 2 and really examine the fundamentals of adoption. Adoptees are denied access to their original birth documents, open adoptions are not legally enforceable, their birth certificates are falsified (stating that their adoptive parents gave birth, which is biologically nor historically accurate), make up a huge majority of those that are in special education, therapy for mental illness, institutions, or incarce
Yes- keep patting the adopters on the heads. They're the real parents. The only ones the child will love. Don't worry. You're the real deal. They *might* want to search, but they're not replacing anyone. Good for you, adopters, for saving the little children.
But, children, if I'm not mistaken, grow up. Even adoptees become "adults," complete with their own opinions! Shocking. Also, they might want to leave you adopters behind. Maybe you sucked as parents. Maybe you were great, but the adoptee wants to know his or her original parents. Maybe you should be grateful that your adoptee didn't turn into a psychotic killer. And that he or she considers you real parents as well (assuming he/she does at all).
I find this very disrespectful to me, as an ADULT adoptee (not a child, in case I didn't clarify that). I found my natural parents. They're my real parents. They certainly aren't unicorns or Santa. Just as my adoptive parents are real too. Because they also exist in the real world.
The
"What is known for sure, is that you, as the adoptive parent wanted them more than anything."
Ummm, not usually true. My adoptive mother had a dozen failed pregnancies--proving that "more than anything" she wanted her own children.
And as an adoptee I wanted nothing more than my own mother.
Adoption is FAR more complex than this fantasy you've conjured up. And EVERY adopted child I've ever known figured out the myths very early on.
You aren't making sense. You state that the child needs to know and you are okay with the child's needs not being met?
What are you advising adoptive parents do? Not take it personally? Meanwhile the adoptee still needs to know but that doesn't matter. As long as adoptive parents are completely secure in knowing that they are the "real" parents nothing else matters.
I have a solution. From now on why not have every adoptee come complete with their own, unaltered, authentic birth certificate and get rid of the fake identity that comes with being adopted.
Are you for real? By what authority do you write about adoption? How dare you speak for adoptees and what is best for them. "The less importance you attach to the circumstances of their birth, the better", you say. Just so you know, most of us will spend the rest of our lives wondering about these silly "circumstances", and because of the criminal act of adoption, we will never know the truth. I hope you are happy for your role in perpetuating a horrendous and corrupt institution. And please don't speak for us; we can speak for ourselves.
http://tinyurl.com/on-adoption
http://tinyurl.com/adoption-myths