When Family and Friends Don't Agree with Your Child Rearing Methods

When you choose the values to raise your children by, those are the values that you expect to be followed. So, what do you do when your family members and friends either don't agree with those values or simply don't follow them when it comes to your children? It can certainly be very difficult to try to instill certain values and ways of life in your children when someone else is doing completely the opposite.

As a mother to more than one child, I have had plenty of experience dealing with those that don't agree with me. It started with my first child and will likely continue as I make choices for my children. I have learned along the way that it is impossible to make everyone happy all the time.

First. let's start off with with a couple scenarios. They will be followed with advice on how to handle those and other situations involving your values for your children versus another person's ideas.

In this first scenario, we'll discuss a woman named Mary. Mary has 3 children. She is a single parent. Mary's sister Nita enjoys the company of Mary's children and enjoys doing things for them. Mary would like to raise her children believing that material things are unimportant and that they can be fulfilled without always getting something new. She does a very good job at this. She only buys the necessities and buys them special things when they deserve them. Anything else must be earned. Mary has a set of ideals that she follows in order to teach this to her children. Nita is a material person. She is always dressed nice and flaunts herself in a sexy way, even in front of the children, but probably not on purpose. That's just who she is. Mary believes that a woman should not have to strut herself around in this manner and would like her children to believe the same, but one of her children is starting to mimic Nita's actions and the way she presents herself. Nita also buys things for the children all the time, which is very nice and thoughtful, but Mary does not believe children should receive material things all the time. She believes that by buying them all these things, Nita is teaching her children that these monetary things are important. Mary has talked to Nita about this, but she continues the same actions, regardless of what Mary says.

In the second scenario, there is a woman and man named Maple and Roger. They have two children together. Maple's mother often checks in on things and asks about things that are really of no importance to Maple. Her mother, Ruby always wants to know what time the kids ate their meals, what they ate, and which cleaning methods and products that Maple used. Ruby walks around Maple and Roger's house inspecting it for things that are out of place. She doesn't say something every time, but she looks at things that she believes to be out of order with a disdained look if she doesn't say anything. If one of the kids tells her about a situation, she is more likely to believe the child's recounts of the story over either adult, regardless of how ridiculous the child's story may sound. Maple believes that all the food her children eat should be healthy, so she prepares everything from scratch and if the family eats out of the house, it cannot be fast food and must be as healthy as possible at the particular restaurant. Ruby is always feeding the children unhealthy snacks and meals when they are with her, like potato chips, fast food, candy, tv dinners, and doughnuts. She even checks Maple's pantry and when there are none of these treats in it, she goes and gets more. Maple has told her many times that she does not want her children eating those foods, but Ruby does not listen. When those foods are in the cupboards and pantry, Maple still gives her kids the healthy snacks, but when she is not looking, they will sneak the unhealthy ones. Then, she looks like the mean person when she punishes them for stealing them or whenever she says no. Maple does give them the unhealthy snacks sometimes to try for a compromise, but she does not believe she should have to do it all the time.

In those two scenarios, while they are different, there is a family member interfering with the parent's rules and regulations. So, what should these two women do? If they have already talked to the person to no avail, what choice is left? If this was just a friend, they might consider distancing the friend from the children, but since it is a relative, that option is not ideal unless the children are in physical danger.

There is another option available, one that is not considered often, but is a great tool for such situations. These parents could buy their children books about the particular subjects at hand. There are many nutrition books and workbooks available to children. There are also many books that address the importance of not loving material things. There are also many Bible verses that address both of those, as well as the issue about dressing and acting in a proper manner. Some do not believe in the Bible, so they can refer to other books. Etiquette books can help with this as well. As for the issue about a mother examining her cleaning and household habits, not much can be done about that one if talking does not help. That may be one issue that the proverbial Maple will just have to deal with.

There are many other instances where a relative will interfere with your child-rearing. Sometimes it's on purpose and sometimes it's not. Just remember that you are the parent. You are the one your child sees every day. Find books and materials that will help instill the values in your child. Then, just lead by example. Keep living the way you feel is right. Do not be afraid to discuss your reasons for your viewpoint with your child. It helps when you also have literature or even just stories to retell from past experiences to back it up. Also, when someone interferes, do not be afraid to let them know how you feel. Sometimes they will listen and sometimes they will not. But, remeber, if they are only interfering in minor ways and it's a relative, maybe the best thing to do is really not to say anything at all and just live your life as you normally would. By sticking to your plan, even through adversity, you are teaching your child about having the strength and courage to stay strong in their beliefs, even when others think they are wrong. This is a good virtue for your children to have.